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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Elz Offline
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pathetic failure.. - June 27th 2009, 10:53 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

right now i'm in tears as i right this..
past month has been horrific for me.
i can't understand why on earth it has gotten this bad
or why i'm even allowing it.
i feel suicidal right now..
i'm sick to death of my life.
i feel worthless, useless, pathetic, selfish, a failure.
i can't do nothing right.
i dont help myself
i dont let people help me.

i have pills, i have alcohol, i have cutting tools..
not best way to go, but right now i can't cope no more
and i couldnt give two fucks if i were to die.
let me go.




   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: pathetic failure.. - June 27th 2009, 11:06 PM

Hey there, Elz.

Try to take a deep breath. You can cry all you want, hopefully it will help you somewhat, you may feel better after you've let it all out of your system.

I'm sorry that the past month has been horrific for you. Have you talked through what's happened this month that has made things so tough for you? It may be helpful to write it all down or to talk to someone about all the things that have happened, it could really help you.
Start to help yourself, start to let people help you - thats what people are for. We are all here to communicate and help each other. I think that you've done a great job of posting here for a start, that's allowing people to give you the help and support that you need right now. It's important that you do allow people to help you, Ellie.

Sometimes what we WANT is different to what we NEED. Even if you don't want people to help you, you need to start letting people know how you're feeling. There is always someone who cares about you and someone who will not want you suffering alone or to get hurt. Talk to that person. It's hard, but it's something that needs to be done.

I know that you've probably heard it before, but it's true that suicide is not the answer. It's not going to help your situation. Pills, alcohol and self-harm won't help you, Ellie. I'd suggest that you get rid of these things, or give them in to someone who can help you. Go and sit with someone, keep yourself safe. Even if you don't tell them how you're feeling right now, being with people means that you'll be safer.
Suicide doesn't guarantee anything apart from hurt from those who are left behind.

We're not going to let you go. There's always going to be someone that's holding on to you. We can all get through this tough time together, okay?
We're always here for you.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: pathetic failure.. - June 27th 2009, 11:14 PM

Hi Ellie

Firstly you need to calm down, regulate your breathing & try to relax.

Im so sorry you feel this way. It must be so hard to deal with. Do you know what triggered it off?

Can you elaborate on why the past months have been horrific?

Its gotten to a stage where its so bad you just want to end your life. I understand that, but I also know, that deep down is a person who wants to be heard & who wants the pain to stop.

I think you are pretty serious about these suicide ideations...so Id honestly go somewhere, like a 'safe place'...another relative...or even a hospital.

Honestly though, you can get help. You dont have to be suicidal forever.

Why do you feel the way you do about yourself?

You may be sick of life....but people will miss you if your gone.

Instead of believing all these negative thoughts, try replacing them with good thoughts. Example;

A) Negative - I want to cut
Positive - I dont have to cut


B) Negative - Im unhappy
Positive - Im doind something I enjoy whichmakes me a bit happier.

Its difficult at first, but if you want to get better than you could give it a go.

Theres no point in saying you cant do anything right, well I can think of two things you did right....realising you need help & making a thread on teenhelp....you are very brave in doing that...so well done.

The only thing I can say is, you must let people in.....you have to let people help you even though you say you dont want to help yourself. If you give people a chance, then it gives you a chance to get better & enjoy life.


Please, dont use any equipment...if you are rock bottom, there are two ways to go...1....to a hospital or 2....realise that nothing can get worse, so things must logically get better.

If you cant give a fuck, well, then I do...I want you to be here, safe.

You are more special than you realise right now.

Just if you feel in danger, please get to a hospital

Im praying for you

Jamie
xx



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Re: pathetic failure.. - June 27th 2009, 11:17 PM

Ellie, I'm sorry things have not been going so well for you. I know it's hard when we have bad months, years, or even just a couple of weeks, and it's far from easy to deal with. But believe it or not, not reason enough to kill yourself. I understand that you feel suicide is your only way out of this, but I know that is not the truth. You say you cannot accept help, but have you ever gone looking for help? If your feeling like you may kill yourself, I really urge you to talk to someone. All it takes is to simply tell someone that you are feeling suicidal - they're going to be willing to help you, as long as you are willing to be helped. If worse comes to worse, call a suicide hotline. But don't let your emotions take control of you, Ellie. I think often we let our emotions take control of our reasoning, and cannot see that there are other ways out of what we are going through besides suicide. But I can tell you that suicide is far from the only way, and it's far from the best way. I may not know you as a person, but I bet that you are a strong person. I bet that you are not worthless in the slightest. Look at it this way - you're here, you're alive, there's so many things that you can do to make a difference in this world - but you need to be alive to do it. There are so many things you can accomplish, many things that you can do to prove to both yourself and the world that you are far from worthless. If you meant nothing to this world, you would not be in it. Simple as that. But here you are today. I really believe that you are far from worthless, and that you are strong enough to pull through this, so long as you give yourself the chance. If you need to talk about anything, you're more than welcome to PM me. Keep strong





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Re: pathetic failure.. - June 28th 2009, 01:05 AM

Hey Ellie,

I am sorry you are feeling so low and I know how much it sucks but you can get through this. I know that probably sounds like some useless words at the moment but please try to hold on to them and believe in them because they are true. Things may be bad right now and they may be bad for a while longer but eventually things will start looking up for you.

So, I know you don't really like the doctors but is there anyone you could talk to at all? If not a doctor maybe a friend or family member or some other trusted adult? Talking is, at least I think, one of the keys to feeling better. Because you start dealing with your problems head on instead of keeping them bottled up, do you think you could try talking to someone?

Ellie, the last thing I wanted to say is that you are not worthless, pathetic, selfish or a failure. You seem like a good person. And, if you were worthless you wouldn't have been put here in the first place; people are not put on this earth if they are worthless. Ellie, you have a purpose in life, a really good one I am sure, and although it might be hard to see right now you need to stick around so that you can accomplish that purpose.

I hope this helped and if you need someone to talk to feel free to pm or aim me.


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Re: pathetic failure.. - June 28th 2009, 10:00 AM

thank you for your replies guys!
sometimes i realli wonder where i would be without TH..

past months i'v had family problems, i relapsed in my cutting, my eating disorder has got worse, and just general life hasn't been amazing.. the only thing i'm pretty much hanging onto is my job which the way i'm going atm isnt going to be there for much longer unless as my manager said to me 'buck up'

family.. i can't do nothing about her.. she's just going to constantly hurt me and other people around her, i just realli need to deal with it and try not let it control me, easier said than done of course. also my aunty is way too controlling over me and its doing my head in..

cutting.. i went for 6 months and 2 weeks SH free, i was so so proud of myself and then one night i got an urge and i gave in.. i don't know what came over me, but i felt this sense of release as well as this sense of failure. i don't understand why i went so long without it and in the space of my relapse this week have been pretty much cutting every night. obviously this is affecting work, because we have to wear short sleeve shirts and i'm the only pathetic one wearing a long sleeve one, boiling hot.. i know i can stop again, but right now i dont know how...

eating.. well i think because i went so long without SH, i went into controlling my eating again, i mean i am quite a small person anyhow, but i have been battling anorexia for some 8 years now and its just seems i'm fighting a battle not worth fighting for. i'm scared of letting it go and i have been to clinics and stuff and everytime i either faked getting better or just been kicked out because at end of day theres nothing they can do if you're not willing..

i have been seeing a councillor since december up until last week where i told her it wasn't the point anymore.. the thing is i realli realli like her and grew to trust her and stuff but after my last clinic spell (feb-apr 09) she became ill and was diagnosed with cancer and so my sessions slowed right down, and it seemed everytimes i realli need to speak to her she would cancel that morning. i know its not her fault and if you don't call this selfish then i dont know what is.. but yeah i kinda started to feel angry against her and in the end have just not opened up to her or nothing, apart from last week where she saw me, was only meant to be for 30 mins but ended up like an hour ina half to which i cried right through broke down and told her i couldnt do it no more.. walked out.. so yeah.. i don't know.. also the thing with this help business is i want help i honestly do deep down, but i'm scared of letting people in, scared of letting go, i don't know how i would cope and as soon as people get that bit too close i shut them off and turn into some psycho bitch..

i feel so tired of life, i have no energy left, i'm fighting a battle i can't win it seems, and tbh i just feel like giving up..



   
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Re: pathetic failure.. - June 28th 2009, 08:51 PM

Hey there Ellie,

*hugs*

I'm sorry stuff has been so tough lately. On your family... it's great that you know not to listen, but I understand how that really is easier said than done. Getting out of the house and away from the situation, to do something that you like doing (like going to the library, the park, wherever) can be helpful. Try keeping stuff around you in your house that reminds you that you are cared about and worth caring about - for example, I have a friendship that I basically plaster to my arm at times.

Six months and two weeks is amazing! You should be so proud of yourself. But hey, slip ups happen. Then they're over with, and we get to move on. Was there anything in particular that helped you before, alternatives or something? I've found that doing something else with your hands when you feel like cutting can be helpful, too - like texting/emailing/whatever technology-ing friends, or writing, or learning how to do cat's cradle or something.

Hun, you are in control of your life. Not cutting, and not anorexia. You can beat both of them. I know how hard that is - I still struggle and stuff with eating issues, too, but you can beat it - and you are worth fighting the battle for. Yes, you can still control that aspect of your life - but maybe try to do it in a way that means that you actually get to be someone sticking up for you, and caring about what's healthy for you.

I'm sorry to hear about the issues with the counselor. Is there anyway you could ask her for a reference, someone she thinks you might also be comfortable with, who you could try? I know how scary it is, letting people in - but if in the end it means getting yourself out, out of the situations are hurting you, then it's worth it. You're worth it. You can always start slow, too.

Hang in there.


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Re: pathetic failure.. - June 29th 2009, 07:52 AM

Hey Ellie!

Familly issues can be really really tough. Sorry you have to deal with that at the moment. So, I was wondering, is there anyway you could avoid the person that is hurting you? I do it with my mom and it works for the most part. I mean I still see her and at those times all the feelings come boiling up but like you I have realized that nothing will change so I have to ignore it and move on. So, avoidance is the only thing that will do, do you think that could work for you?

As for the controlling aunt could you talk to her about it? She might just be worried about you and think that controlling you(which she might not see as controlling) will help keep you happy and safe. I mean maybe it is not an option but it could help.

Ellie six months and two weeks is amazing! If I could dance and my room wasn't so messy I would be dancing around. Even though you have slipped up you went that long and that means you can and will do it again when you are ready. Just don't give up on yourself, okay? You are to important!!

Eating: Ellie I wish you would eat but I can understand that. ED's and Self harm are both about control and in that respect that might have been why you went back to it again. But, you are in control of your own life. Ellie, I know it is hard to give up something that you have lived with and used as your safety net for 8 years but you can because you deserve to be safe, healthy and happy and this ED will not give you any of those things.

I understand the whole counselor thing and I am glad you were able to come to trust her that is a great thing. However, I am sorry that she got sick. It doesn't make you selfish for being angry with her. I mean, you trust someone and you have probably told her a lot of things and all of a sudden she isn't there anymore like usual...not the constant that she used to be. Ellie, you are not selfish!

Maybe you could talk to her about these feelings she would totally understand them. And, if you wanted, she could probably recommend another counselor for you to go to.

Hope this helped and if you need someone to talk to feel free to pm me.


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Re: pathetic failure.. - June 29th 2009, 10:50 AM

thanks again for replies, i realli appreciate it.

i do try so hard to ignore my mum.. i mean after putting me thru physical & emotional my first 8 yrs of my life i can say i dislike her with a passion! i dont use the word hate because it is such a strong word and despiste everything she has done at the end of the day she is my mum. i havent seen her in 6 yrs or spoken to her in 4.. but it just hurts so much and well with my lil brother speaking to her its just i can't seem to just cut her out completely.. my parents then divorced and i moved in with my dad until he started sexuallly abusing me at age of 12 until around 16 until i finalli spoke out and he is now in prison.. i went to a boarding school so it wasnt too bad and then my aunty took me in once i had finished school and became my legal guardian. i understand she wants to protect me and stuff, but i mean i am 17 i'm not a kid no more.. and all she does is ground me and keeps me locked in house.. i mean i can't go make friends because i'm never allowed out apart from work and a few clubs she allows me to go to.. but parties are a big no no and days out i usually lie about them using some work excuse.. its pathetic.

i suppose with the self-harm thing i just have to be patient, its just frustrating knowing i can live without it but yet i'm relying on it again atm.. but i guess i'll stop again when ready.

eating well i do have a thread in ED forum that willl show my progress..

councilling.. i dont know if i could go back.. i mean it took me ages to trust her and i realli find it hard to trust people and such so yeah.. i have been talking to my youth worker at my church though who is like a second mum to me to be honest so maybe i can just do that..

i don't know i'll see where life takes me to be honest.. at end of day you get to a point where you're beyond caring and thats pretty much where i am.. i'm just kinda hanging on.. not sure how long it will last but yeahh.. LIFE SUCKS!



   
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Re: pathetic failure.. - June 29th 2009, 11:12 AM

Hi Ellie,
I'm sorry to hear you feel that way! *hugs*
Family can be pretty pathetic at times huh? But do hang in there. You certainly ain't a kid anymore, and you do deserve to be treated your age!
You're aunt just probably doesn't want anything else to happen to you, which is why she's being a little weary. Have you tried talking to her about how you feel about her doing this to you?

Going for counselling might help you get out all your pent-up hurt. But it all depends on how comfortable you are...
Try keeping your mind off things for a while, maybe it would help??
Hope I helped! Hang in there
Hugs
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