Loneliness beyond the void

[InnerDarkness]

I'll always be alone.

I have thought for a long time, that for one reason or another I'm not suppossed to ever be with anyone, at least not loved or have the oppurtunity to love someone.

My ex-girlfriends have cheated on me, used me for money, turned my friends agaisnt me... but I still keep going back for more because I can't accept the simple truth: it is my destiny to be alone.

Every girl is just another lash to my soul - each time I get more and more catious but the moment I start to have feelings for someone it goes bad - slowly over the years my soul has begun to die.

I don't know why I'm here - a punishment for a passed life? Do I even have a purpose... to think that maybe I don't...

Whatever reason I excist - I haven't found it yet. I'm useless in career, a pathetic loser with social life and hopeless when it comes to love life. Why I'm here - I don't care.

I finally accepted that I will be alone for the rest of my life. Over my life I have become better and better at being alone through nessessity and sometimes choice. But I can't do it anymore.

I feel so alone, an outsider, distant from the normal world. If I dissapeared I don't think anyone would even notice - not till a whole bunch of work would pile up and someone would eventually say "Hey - where's the guy who used to do that stuff?"

No one cares about me. People know me... but they don't care, they don't believe in me. No one ever will, not in the way I desire. Maybe I want only one thing out of life - and that is someone to share life with but it will never happen.

What's the point!?

I've already beaten myself around the face in anger at my situation... now I am tired and there's nothing more I can do - even so soon after I already regret it - I'm so fucked up, why am I so suprised that no one stays with me?

What happens when you die? Are you even aware that you're dead? Nothingness sounds better than my situation. Heaven would be better... I'm already in Hell. What about reincarnation? A new start - a fresh slate. Whatever happens it would be better than where I am.

I want to die and bring this pathetic story to an end. There's nothing worth living for, not for me, not in this world - just a lonely monotonous life of failure and humilation and pain. But...

The most painful thing - is that I can't let go of hope. I still hope one day... I'm such a moron.

I want to take a long walk and never come back... or lie down somewhere and never wake up. I want to go out in the street and provoke someone to kill me. I don't know what I'm trying to say... I can't stand feeling like this!!

Maybe I should sleep... I don't want to sleep... I feel sick just thinking about trying to sleep... I can't talk to my friends... they can't see me like this, they'll just think I'm messed up in the head.

I can't face another day feeling like this and keeping it bottled away. I'd rather die. Hope is false, a dream, an illusion - there's no point in clinging to it anymore.

[Linz]

I can relate to how you're feeling so similarly is almost scary. As I read the words you typed and posted on this page, I felt through most of it I was thinking in my head, not reading about someone else.

I know what it feels like to feel so alone that the only way you can see yourself to continue on in life is to share it with another person, I think and have always thought "how can that be so much to ask for?". And when that thought processs starts, I started to feel like you do now, like it's all worthless to have hope, no point at all. BUT THERE IS. I know you might not be able to see it now, but hope is there for a several reasons, one of the most important: it keeps you alive in the moment when you're feeling down. It keeps you going, even if it's barely there. One example I have for you: I in my last suicide attempt a few years back....yes, it was certaintly not the greatest decesion in my best interest and well-being, BUT, THE IMPORTANT WAY HOPE CAME INTO PLAY was that I told my mother after I took it, because I changed my mind, and my hope for life kicked in. Even when I was in the E.R. still depressed, the POINT IS, I WAS AND AM STILL ALIVE.

Now I don't know if you listen to or like the band Slipknot, but one of their songs off their most recent album was extremely touching and a challenging statement for me; actually, it still is, but it's getting easier to say: "I won't control or restrain things I do not understand. Now I realize that I'm stronger, better, more." (From the song Wherein Lies Continue) I reltate this to what you said because you mentioned you don't know why you keep getting treated this way, but you're labeling it with you feeling worthless and undeserving. It was really difficult for me to record and say to the world, but most importantly to myself, but I recorded this youtube video, kind of like a vlog if you want to watch it, but it's basically how some of my recent reltaionships have been, how i've felt, and what realization i've come to, no matter how badly I want and have the NEED to want someone romantically in my life.

This is the link to my video: YouTube - My Relationships


Take care, and please feel free to PM me if you need to!

[dancer]

Hey Ethan,

what's the point? You're the point. I'm sorry to hear about how girls have been treating you - but that just reflects their own immaturity, and doesn't have anything to do with you. You can still have a relationship - I know the whole "you're still young" thing can be frustrating to hear, but it really does mean that you do have time. And so much can change in even one year. I promise, there is someone out there for you. Not every girl will treat you so disregardingly. So there's definitely still reason to hope. One of my favorite quotes is said by Newman Noggs, a character in Charles Dickens's Nicholas Nickleby, "never leave off hopin', it don't answer."

I can't say for sure what happens when someone dies. I can say general things that I believe, but I can't say anything specific for certain. But I can tell you what happens when you live.

Things change.

Typically, for the better.

The unexpected happens.
Things lighten, unforeseen.
We find that we matter.
And that there are times that we wouldn't have wanted to miss.
Like a friend's thank you, or a mother's pride, or being the first thing a newborn sees, or getting a whole-in-one in golf, or celebrating your little cousin's birthday, or getting stuck at the top of a ferris wheel, or seeing a shooting star.
Or just being you.
Because you're the only one who can ever be you. Ever. The only one who can ever write your story as a chapter in the narrative of the human race.
So try to have fun with your life's pen.

Hang in there.

[InnerDarkness]

Sorry about that crazy post guys... I've been kinda depressed for a while and a string of unfortunate events recently nearly pushed me over the edge for a moment. I'm glad I vented it though - left me feeling tired and didnt have much time to be sad before I fell asleep.

I still feel really down... maybe not depressed but still like sad and stuff.

Lindsay, I watched your video - really struck a cord in me. I came to a similar realiseation a while ago and have actually been single for more than a year. Things going badly with a girl is actually one of the reasons I got really depressed last night - quite possibly the trigger. We have been seein' each other for two weeks (not really dating - more friendly) but obviously I got ideas in my head and a few days ago she stopped replying to txts or returning my calls. A few more personal events happened and I guess I just cracked for a moment.

I understand what your saying too, dancer. But what you described is exactly what I mean by false hope. That sort of thing only happens in the movies. It's true that I am the only one who can live my life... but playing the waiting game is so painful and even if I wait till the end of my life, there's is no guarantee that anything will ever happen. It's the same with suicide. If I ended everything, there is no guarantee that it wouldn't be better or worse. I guess last night I just thought things couldn't get any worse. To live life like that is static. Just ploughing through everyday mindlessly hoping blindly that something may one day happen. I feel you have to go out and make these things happen - but everytime I do it ends badly.
I guess what you mean is to just look for the things that I enjoy and focus on them.

But that's why I'm frightened now. A year ago i decided to stop dating and swinging between bad relationships. To focus on myself - I went to the gym, got a car, partied with my mates... After a year of living for myself, I didn't want to continue doing it alone. So I started dating again, and it feels like I just took two steps back. I don't know if I can be bothered to live another year for myself... alone. But what else is there? I already know what lonliness has to offer and I'm not happy with it.

I don't feel like hurting myself or dying anymore... but I am frightened that if I keep dating something will happen that will set me off again. But I don't want to go back to living for myself at the moment... I'm just setting myself up for pain. That's why it's so hard to keep having hope...

[Linz]

Originally Posted by InnerDarkness

I don't feel like hurting myself or dying anymore... but I am frightened that if I keep dating something will happen that will set me off again. But I don't want to go back to living for myself at the moment... I'm just setting myself up for pain. That's why it's so hard to keep having hope...

You need to figure out what's more important, coping with lonliness and changing your thought process so that you have a higher self-esteem (because i know that's a part of the reason i feel lonely when I'm not in a relationship), OR, you can "keep setting yourself up for pain", and drain your hope. You see, if you find a medium with your thoughts and coping skills, you can still date and have relationships, and you would be able to handle it as well when you can accomplish this. I'll be honest, I believe I still need to work on this for several reasons, one being that I'm already doing things to myself that is physically damaging.

So your actually ahead of the game psychologically, because you've been able to withstand it for a year without giving into your sadness/depression and not harming yourself in any way. That's something you could brag about and be proud of. Koodos!!

I can't tell you what to do, you have to sit down and think seriously what's most important and benefitical to your well-being, and what steps you need to take. As well as many different people here on teenhelp, I'm here if you need anything.

[InnerDarkness]

I don't think I can handle it anymore... depression always seems to be worse in the evening for me so maybe that is why I'm feeling bad again.

In the morning, I feel awful - like I don't want to get up and face another day. As the day goes on, I guess I kinda supress the feelings and even though I'm constantly down - I don't think people can tell. It must be getting bad now though - because recently I've been getting complaints from customer because I was "rude" to them. I just try and keep my head down and try not to talk to anyone when I feel like this, so I know I wasn't intentionally rude, I'll probably lose my job soon if I don't get some control.

Even other workers are starting to talk about me - they're saying how I'm not myself and they've heard things about me and thought it doesn't sound like me. I keep to myself at work even when I'm not depressed, but it seems people are starting to avoid me which just adds to the loneliness I'm feeling. I can't blame them though, I'd probably just bring them down if they talked to me.

As the day draws to a close I get more depressed and it's late in the evening that I start to consider suicide. I'm aware of my mental state and that I occasionally feel like killing myself and I deal with it. But I'm starting to get frightened now because this is the first time in over a year I've contemplated it two nights in a row...

But that's not something I haven't done before... when I used to get depressed, thinking of suicide was like a last resort - I decided it out of recklessness and because I was in an emotionally unstable state. This time... I'm aware of my mental state and that it is badly wrong and possibly unstable - but I feel like I have complete control... and this option of suicide doesn't feel like desperation... it's like I'm considering it in the same way I would consider any other life changing choice in my life.

This girl who things went bad with... I didn't even know her that well... I'm not even sure I had feelings for her. I small crush maybe. So why had someone who has practically no influence on my opinions caused me to consider ending life. Especially when this has happened lots of times before and not bothered me at all...

I guess each time I fail in life... it's like chipping with a pickaxe at the base of a mountain. I think my whole life this "chipping" has been going on, and this last little knock has destroyed my foundation and I'm starting to crumble.

I still fail to see the point in continuing life. I'll never get anywhere. I'll never be wealthy. I'll never have true friends and I'll never be loved. I can't change anything because the more I try to help the situation the more walls I'm met with. It seems to be going well at first (like relationships or a new job) and then just goes rotten. I'm a walking failure.

Lots of people enjoy life... but those people have friends or money or they're good at something they enjoy doing. I guess I could dissapear, travel and start a new life somewhere else. But my lonely destiny and lack of any kind of social or academical skill would only come back to haunt me.

There's nothing for me here. Not in this town, not in this world. There's nothing I can make from what I've got. I've tried it and I still feel empty. I've reached my full potential and it's pathetic.

I can't end my own life... because I so foolishly cling to hope. But I kind of hope I get the swine flu - or some other fatal disease you will die of quickly. I've been really ill before (for about 6 months) but I pulled myself out of it through will power and just never giving up. I made almost a full recovery, but for what? Yeah - it changed who I was, I'm a better, stronger person. But I feel like it was all for nothing now. If I get ill again, I can just let myself die.

I can't live just waiting for that to happen... I could make it happen, by not sleeping and just wreaking my body with drugs and alcohol all the time. But... there's that damn hope again.

I hate having hope, because without it I could die peacefully. With it - I'm dying inside.