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Lil-x Offline
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So hard to cope with all of this.. - July 2nd 2009, 08:42 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Last night, I was just sobbing and screaming for like hours, curled up in a ball in the corner of my room, with my knife, just holding it. I felt so suicidal, I stay up all night, not wanting to sleep because of the nightmares. My dead baby and being raped, every single night. That is as well as the day flashbacks.

I can't escape. Im trapped by these memories, and I cant get out from this pain.

I sat there all night, I would have done some serious damage if it wasn't for the love and care I have for my friends, who were pleading with me at 3am not to do anything i'd regret.

I felt like I deserved to die for what those men did to me. And my baby, I can't stop thinking about it, what if it was something my body did. What if it was my fault it died? What if im a murderer?

I'm in so much pain, Im weak from my ED and sore from my SH. I want help, but I'm just not ready to accept it. I don't want to hurt that much again, but I've been buliding up to that for like 2 weeks. What if I feel the same tonight? I might actually seriously hurt myself. I want pain, that's what I deserve right?

I need help. I can't be like this, but I can't face it.

Help me, please!
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Re: So hard to cope with all of this.. - July 2nd 2009, 09:39 PM

Hey there,

I am so very sorry that all this has happened to you. You do not deserve this type of pain or to die. You have suffered some awful things but that does not mean that you don't deserve a chance at a life.

It seems like your friends care quite a bit for you so please keep hanging on to them and talking to them. Don't quit fighting because you can get through this.

I really wish you would get some help; talk to someone, like a therapist or something because they might be able to help you heal. I know how hard this type of thing can be to deal with but you can heal and start to feel better.

Please don't blame yourself for your baby dying because there was nothing you could have done to stop that. You can't think about the what if's because there are way to many, you know? And please don't blame yourself for what happened to you at the hands of those people because that is their fault not yours. You are not to blame for their actions.

Hang in there and please consider talking to someone and if you need someone to talk to feel free to pm me.

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dancer Offline
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Re: So hard to cope with all of this.. - July 3rd 2009, 06:19 AM

Hey there,

*hugs gently*

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a tough time right now, hun. But please know that nothing that happened to you is your fault. Not at all. I promise. A friend once explained to me that people sometimes turn to blaming themselves for things like that because it a way to "make sense" of what happened - but that doesn't mean it's true. Because it's not. You are wonderful, and have none of the blame.

I'm glad that you have friends who seem really caring. Could you talk to one of them, ask them to help you through things right now? Or ask one of them to help you find a counselor, and then maybe go with you your first visit? That can help things be a lot less intimidating, and you have a second set of vocal chords to help back you up. You can get help, but you don't have to do it alone.

You deserve to love yourself, and to be with those who remind you just how much you are loved.

Hang in there.

Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
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Darrenboy! Offline
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Re: So hard to cope with all of this.. - July 3rd 2009, 01:24 PM

you know...

whatever those people did to you is unforgivable, and the memory of it doesnt even deserve to exist. you know, you always got us in this thing.and we aint going to leave, nonono.

and what other people did to you, is not your fault. and you cant be blamed for anything.

you deserve to be happy, and there's so much ahead of you. think this through...

and in case i forgot to say this, I'm going to be in this together with you . so will everyone else be. we got your back, hear?

caring, always.

Those who have went through more pain than everyone else, and want to protect anyone and everyone they know and care for from that pain, are stronger than everyone.

we come, we help, we stick and never leave. pm me anytimeee!

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