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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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dancer Offline
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broken - July 4th 2009, 04:18 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

hi.

sorry that this'll probably be really disjointed and inconherent. Not feeling so talkative right now.

I got yelled at.

A lot.

It hurt.

a lot.

Every doubt that I have about myself, taken and slapped screaming into my face as the truth.

Kicked at. Shrieked at. Told everything is my fault. It was my fault, because I wouldn't answer a stupid question. Told things building were my fault. I've tried so freaking hard for so long to make things better, to get things out in the open, to help my family - and apparently where things are is my fault. I was even told not to be so hard on my younger sister - the one who I say hello to in the morning, who I let hit and scream at me and don't tell so she doesn't get in trouble, the one whose bed I leave letters on telling her how amazing I think she is or just wanting her to know I hope she has a nice day - and the sister who I've seen plunge into anorexia and anger issues, who I've been trying to get my mother to help before she gets hurt - I was told to not be so hard on her.

I don't want to review some of the other comments.

And I gave up on not SHing. But stupid blunt knife.

Sorry, just not feel worth a whole bunch right now...

because the people I've been hanging in there for apparently don't want me around.

Sorry. I don't like being the one to post this. But I don't know what to do, when I wake up each day to a look that says "oh, you're still breathing?" or get treated like a total offense the rest of the time.

People have said that they care about me. Just don't feel like I'm worth their caring about.

I'm sorry.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: broken - July 4th 2009, 04:48 AM

Oh sweetie. I can feel the pain in your words.

I'm guessing that one of your parents told you these things? First of all--you should never, EVER be kicked or otherwise physically hurt. Second of all, I am so sorry that this happened and so sorry that you're feeling as though these things are the truth. They are not the truth. Remember that one person can think one way but they're not necessarily right. It happens in the most basic cases--like a little kid being adamant that there's nothing wrong with having ice cream for dinner. That little kid believes he's right. But he's not. You know? It's HARD having someone tell you something because it makes you think that it must be true if they believe it. But hold onto that reminder that it's not true.

This is not your fault. None of it. It is not your fault that your parents are having issues, it's not your fault that your sister isn't nice and has eating issues, none of it is your fault. Remember that it's easier to blame yourself (and possibly this is why others blame you too--it doesn't make it okay, but it's similar, in that it's easier to have someone to blame than to accept that things are just hard for no reason) but that blaming yourself doesn't do anything. It doesn't fix the problems. Hurting yourself doesn't fix the problems.

Remember that we're moving towards self-care and compassion. Those things are what are going to help. In a time when things are hard and you are struggling, the last thing you need is to make yourself even more vulnerable and hurt, you know? It's those times that we're struggling when we need to care for ourselves the most.

I am so sorry things are hard right now. I'm glad that you posted--that was a very good self-care thing to do. Please take good care of yourself tonight--do something compassionate. Listen to music, watch a funny tv show, read a good book, curl up with warm blankets, etc. And know I care, and I'm here, and I think you're amazing.

<3




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“if nothing changed, there’d be no butterflies”

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: broken - July 4th 2009, 05:14 AM

Hi Jen,

yeah - my mom, and my sister. My dad's currently out getting drunk. I was stuck in a car with the two of them, so I couldn't just leave.

But... I feel like it is true. At first my mom tried to do the whole "let's say what we feel" thing and my sister started screaming that everything I say, everthing I do is to put her down to make myself look better. When I keep trying to forfeit everything so that she won't feel like there's a competition between us. She started screaming that I "get away with little things" - I wouldn't answer her question about what I had had for lunch because typically no matter what I say she'll find some way to criticize me, even if I don't say anything, and I didn't really want to go into the food thing - that makes it "even worse" than what she does. And my mom started to agree with her. Basically, nothing that I do is perceived as right by them, and I was told that my existing just gets in their way and makes things worse for them. A few days ago my mom made me feel like she thought I was lazy and told me that she didn't want my dad to be hard on her when she got back to the office because of me.

Idk, it's just that when it seems that I'm the problem, hurting myself fixes that... or at least silences it for a bit...

I'm sorry. I just don't want to be left getting tangled in unspoken thoughts.

But thank you <3

I might just go to bed before I manage to trip over myself even more...


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: broken - July 4th 2009, 05:39 AM

hey you,

don't let your parents get you down, everything is not your fault. i'm sorry that, that happened to you, it's not fair. but think if a month or so you'll be away at college and away from all that non-sense, you won't have to deal with that anymore.

You need to hang in there for just a little while longer! Plus, you got Monday as well. That's only two more days and I suggest telling him everything that's been going on! It'll make you feel a little better.

Is there a friend or something you can stay with throughout the summer? Just to get out of the house? If you have to do that, your eighteen, they can't stop you!

I'm sorry about your sister, it sounds like she's had a rough time as well but that gives her no excuse to hit you and stuff. Have you tried to talk to her about her anger issues. I'm sorry that your parents don't seem to notice. It's not fair.

hang in there and seriously, I'm always here for you, always!


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keep your faith alive.
we're not alone <3
   
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Re: broken - July 4th 2009, 09:09 AM

Hey clover (just popped in my head). I'm sorry about your parents and sister. You're leaving for collage soon, so hold onto that thought.

In the mean time, is there some where you can go to get away from your family for a while? I don't want you hurt because I do care about you, and being with your family harms you.

I'll talk to you soon, okay? You're wonderful and smart and sweet; you don't deserve to be treated like shit.

Hold on. Try not to believe the horrible things they tell you, because it most certainly isn't your fault.

Take care.


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Re: broken - July 4th 2009, 09:42 AM

Hey Dancer,

I am so very sorry that this has happened to you but please believe me when I say it is not your fault; none of it at all. Honey, it is not your fault that your parents have issues or your sisters. You know, sometimes people take their problems out on the one person in their life that they think is the strongest; not that that is right.

Dancer please stay strong because you are and you only have to wait a little while longer before you go off to college and get away from all this. I know right now that time you have to wait might seem like an eternity but it really isn't so keep on holding on because you can make it; I believe in you with all my heart and I think about you a lot(even though I am just some girl on the net)

The sh may make you feel 'better' but it doesn't do anything in the long wrong and all it does is damage. Please try your hardest to stay away from it because you deserve so much better; you are such a wonderful wonderful person and it is a shame that your parents and sister don't see it.

Hang in there and pm me whenever you want because I am always willing to listen to you.


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Re: broken - July 4th 2009, 04:48 PM

Hey all of you,

thank you. Being cared about is nice. Really, really nice.

Yeah, I've tried talking to my sister about what's going on with her in multiple ways. Normally doesn't turn out so well.

I wish that I could stay elsewhere, but my parents don't seem to be grasping the whole eighteen-year-old concept, so I'm kind of stuck here until college starts. 82 days left.

But really, thank you all for your advice. I'll get through this somehow.

You all hang in there, too.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: broken - July 5th 2009, 03:19 AM

Hey there, sorry I got to this so late. Hope you're feeling better. I just want you to know I really, really do care about you.

I'm sorry your family is treating you so badly. I know you've tried talking to her and leaving the letters, so at this point, just try to hang on for the next 80 days. If you ever want to talk, you can message me on Yahoo/MSN. I always want to talk to you about whatever. I'll send you my messenger details in a pm tomorrow when I get home.

Sorry this was so short, but I'm on my phone and most people have covered things. Just wanted to let you know I care.

*big hug* stay strong


~Cody

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Re: broken - July 7th 2009, 02:32 AM

So... updates...

first off, thanks Cody And short but sweet messages are always nice You know I care about you, too.

Anyway...

so, Saturday, my dad ended up getting out of hand. He had been drinking the night before, and I don't know what he had done that morning. But while I was up in my room, I heard a fight start downstairs that ended up involving my mom, my sister, and my dad. I didn't really know what was going on, but my dad's voice was the harshest it'd been in a while. Then the bangs and crashes started. Then I heard the door open, my sister run outside. Then I heard her shriek followed by my dad yelling something.

I found out later he had chased her out of the house and told her to leave. She's not even fourteen yet.

My mom ended up taking her to my grandmother's so she'd be safe. I didn't know this, but I left on foot (my mother has said she doesn't want me driving when there's been fighting), knowing that I was to the point of not coping anymore, so that staying in my house wouldn't be a good thing. So I walked out of my house, not intending to come back.

A friend picked me up from a nearby high school, and I spent the day and the night with her. I told my mother and my grandmother where I was, but my father, who apparently proceeded to drink the rest of the day, texted me and said that my being gone was apparently unseemly, since we had company.

I ignored that.

I spent most of Sunday really not sure what to do. I ended up asking my friend to take me back home. My mom had said that my dad was "out" with my uncle - one of his drinking "buddies" - the last time I had talked to her.

He was home when I got there.

I decided to not be more antagonistic than I needed to be, and tried an attempt at a cheerful, "Hi, Dad."

He looked over from his computer, moving his eyes more than his head, and then looked back.

Apparently I wasn't worth responding to.

So, that sent me off into the self-condemnation that had flooded me again Saturday with the fighting... not so good...

Monday I ended up talking to a pastor at my church. He said he couldn't really do much, other than be there to listen to me or to do whatever I might need him to. But then, when I got home, my mom asked what I had thought of my dad's behavior. I decided to not cover up what I was feeling and told her I was sick of it. I was fed up with seeing people hurt - each other, themselves, and with then feeling hurt myself (and actually hurting myself, though I didn't mention that part to her) because of it or because they turned some of that hurt on me.

It was kind of a long conversation, but basically my mom ended up agreeing that my dad's abuse had gone on for way too long, and that it wasn't healthy for me to be in our home environment.

So I might be moving out.

We're currently working out things with a friend of mine - the friend who had picked me up Saturday - and an aunt who lives out of town...

I just hope this isn't one of those "I'll agree to it in a teafull conversation but then forget about it when the heat dies down" thing.

But hopefully things'll get better...

And thank you, thank you all for being there, and for being friends. Sometimes people don't hear that enough. So I just thought I'd mention it again.


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dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: broken - July 7th 2009, 02:35 AM

I am so proud of you. You didn't blame yourself at all. I love that. Because this was absolutely, positively, NOT your fault. You are going through so much right now. I'm so proud of you for being honest with your mom, for staying strong, for reaching out. Please please please keep doing all of that, okay? You are wonderful. <3




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Re: broken - July 7th 2009, 03:29 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by dancer View Post
my mom ended up agreeing that my dad's abuse had gone on for way too long, and that it wasn't healthy for me to be in our home environment.

So I might be moving out.

We're currently working out things with a friend of mine - the friend who had picked me up Saturday - and an aunt who lives out of town...

I just hope this isn't one of those "I'll agree to it in a teafull conversation but then forget about it when the heat dies down" thing.
Never mind.

That's being rather retracted.

And apparently I'm a lazy ingrate who's being too hard on her family and asking for too much and not bending enough.

I'm so done...

No, I'll probably end up being okay. Just... ugh.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: broken - July 8th 2009, 08:59 PM

hey!


family sucks. it's just how it is. and guess what's the hardest and most painful thing of all? we can't change them.

It's tough, I know. but you just have to hang in there. you said "because the people I've been hanging in there for apparently don't want me around." while, I think they would be devasted if you were to hurt yourself, I think they also don't know how to treat you. and that's terrible. however, you want to hang in for YOU, because in the end that's all that matters.

if you hang in for you, then down the road you will meet more caring people, and you will eventually go off to college and leave your family and a lot of your stress behind.


you just have to keep on pushing. it's hard I know, but you are to good to give up on. you care so much about how other people are feeling. try not to let your family get to you to much, I know it's hard. and that's wonderful what you do for your sister, and I am sorry she still treats you bad. but, it sounds like she has a lot going on, and I am sure she actually appreciates your letters, and help.

you're fantastic. don't give up. it's not worth it. you have an amazingly bright future ahead of you, you just have to be around to see it.

love you. pm anytime.
   
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