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Popo Offline
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I think I'm finally losing it. - July 5th 2009, 06:14 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

**This topic is on the line between mental health and suicide, I'm not sure where it should go.

The past few days have been revealing for me. I realize that I'm slowly losing my sanity, losing my closest friends, and losing everything I found joy in.

First, my sanity.
I talk to myself. A lot. And I mean actually carrying out a conversation with what's left of my happiness and the rest of me. I had an hour long conversation on what's going to happen when I die. And there's no psychaiatrist around here, though even if there was one, I'd have to tell my parents about it, which is (and let me make this clear) Out of the question.

Second, My friends.
One of my friends (lets call him J) Nearly killed himself back in November. I am the sole reason he's alive today, and he's even told me that. I told a girl, (who at the time, I had almost zero connection with) about it, and J had liked her for several years. I knew he wouldn't hurt her, and I knew she could help. She talked to him, and within an hour, he was back to normal. Fast forward a few months, they're dating. No problem I thought, just means he'll be spending a bit less time with me, that's fine. Well, he basically forgot I even existed, until one night someone I was talking to told him that I was just about to commit suicide, and he rushed in like an action hero. He basically yelled at me because I said I was lonely, and said that he and another friend were all I needed. He completely misunderstood what I meant. I'm lonely in the sense that I've never felt love. Not the love a sibling has for you, not the love a parent should have for you, the kind of love that makes a relationship last for 70+ years. Since that night, we've drifted further apart, and I don't know if he feels it or not, but I do.

Another friend (Lets call her B), I accidentally met because J never signed out of instant messenger on my laptop when he left one day. So B just starts talking to me like I'm J. Eventually we get to talking, and we get to become friends. I tell her about how I had been suicidal for about half a year then, and she helps me. A lot. Up until recently, we were good friends, but now she barely talks to me, and the last time she talked to me it was to ask where J was. No greeting, just asked me. That hurt. And now I've got nobody to talk to about this.

Third, enjoyable activities.
This 4th of July sucked. First off, I spent a good 2-3 hours in the early morning thinking about killing myself. The first hour I thought about what would happen to people around me after I died, the second hour was spent planning how to do it. Then I never got any sleep, because by the time I was ready for bed, it was 8:30. So I didn't sleep. Then, because of that, I was half awake on the floor hitting myself to stay awake. I ended up falling asleep anyway, and hit myself more because the "sane" part of me was angry at me. And when it came time to light the cheap-ass fireworks bought from the grocery store, something I used to love, I stayed in my room. Then, when the real firework show started, I stayed in my room cursing the noise because I couldn't hear my music.

I'm growing up faster than what I can handle. So much is expected of me that I have to just put on a happy face and grind through the day, and when I'm alone, I curse every moment I live while I'm hitting myself with enough force to break a wall. I'm glad I don't have any bruises yet, my mother would notice immediately. My "father" wouldn't care. I use quotation marks around father because nobody could call that man a father. Not to me at least, my brother gets the fatherly act, and that's only because he's in the air force. The man I am supposed to call father thinks that computers are obsolete, and physical labor is how a person should get ahead. He's just too idiotic to learn how to use a computer. Whatever.

I can't handle this much longer. The character Kip Crombwell from the movie Charlie Bartlett reminds me of myself in a way. Even the way he tried to kill himself is the way I was going to. Hell, even the computer equipment he uses is the same as mine (Alienware)
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Re: I think I'm finally losing it. - July 10th 2009, 07:36 AM

well, how are enjoyable activities enjoyable without friends to enjoy them with? honestly. i feel like a really big problem is lack of socialization. i think the more you get out and talk to people the less you'll talk to yourself. i'm not saying that it is the only issue. but drifting apart from friends really can make you feel terrible. i've been having similar issues, i just am not contemplating suicide. when you don't have anyone to talk to is when things actually start to get worse, in my experience. i'm not saying it would be the best idea to go out and talk to some random people on the street but it certainly wouldn't hurt. and as for your friends, why don't you just tell them exactly what you mean? be straightforward. it is really hard for some people to correctly assume what you said meant.

i've never told a lie, and that makes me a liar.
i've never made a bet, but we gamble with desire.
i've never lit a match with intent to start a fire.
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Re: I think I'm finally losing it. - July 11th 2009, 10:51 PM

Originally Posted by Popo View Post
I talk to myself. A lot.
A lot of people, including myself, do that. I call it thinking. You debate against yourself on an issue, ex: what to wear tomorrow, and you follow the orders of the winning side in that debate. It can become a conversation at times.

Originally Posted by Popo View Post
...I'm lonely in the sense that I've never felt love.
Hey, not everybody has to marry young. Don't you hear the elders. They keep complaining about how young people date too early. And most people "love" when they are young from lust. How do you know that a lot of the people you are comparing yourself against are "in lust" and not "in love". You have an entire lifetime to find the right person. No need to rush the delicate things.

Originally Posted by Popo View Post
...now she barely talks to me, and the last time she talked to me it was to ask where J was. No greeting, just asked me. That hurt. And now I've got nobody to talk to about this.
I say get out more in things like jobs or volunteering to meet new people who could become your new friends. If it's a small town, it might be time to move out. Both ways, I think you have been stuck with too little people you can talk to and trust. Once you have real friends who listen to you and not themselves first, cut the strings to the old ones. Don't help them if they don't help you.

Originally Posted by Popo View Post
I'm growing up faster than what I can handle...My "father" wouldn't care.
Some of us will become the good people in society. There is a difference in doing the right thing and the easy thing. I congradulate you in not turning into some bully from your problems. So the "growing up faster" can be a good thing. Try not to worry about it.

As for the father, I would just treat him like a human, to preserve your humanity. That way, good people like you don't harden into cold people. Just get by your father and try to move on.

Originally Posted by Popo View Post
I can't handle this much longer.
You must hold on. When the hardships passes, you will look back and be amazed in how much purity is left in you compared to others. I had the same thing happen to me. It's a shame that people like us aren't living in some town together. There are too many jerks in where I live.
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Re: I think I'm finally losing it. - July 12th 2009, 03:09 PM

Hey Colton,

I'm sorry to hear that things have been pretty rough. But I'm proud of you for posting - we'll try to help sort through this.

So, on your "insanity." I'm not sure if the whole "if you talk to yourself, and "yourself" answers, then you're crazy" thing is really true. Especially since you notice it. And apparently people aren't supposed to notice/be worried about it when they really are "insane." And besides, some people are just really extraverted, or loudly intraverted, and think out loud more than others. And of course you're going to have comments on what you think; most people's thoughts aren't monologues. If you can't actually go to a counselor, you could try a helpline, like Hopeline (1-800-442-HOPE).

So, on your friends. Could you try talking to "J," tell him what you feel about what's been going on. Mention that you feel like you've drifted apart, and that while you understand that you can't hang out or whatever 24/7, you still would like some sort of actual dynamic, maybe. And maybe try something similar with "B" - be the one to contact her, mention that you'd like to get back to talking, that you'd like to be her friend in your own right and not just as an association with "J."

On the enjoyable activities - sometimes it's just hard to "have fun" like we normally would when we're feeling down. Keep at 'em, anyway. Or try doing something new, maybe, when it seems like you've exhausted the reservoirs of what you would normally do.

Growing up at any speed can be scary. But in the midst of all that you're expected to do, it's okay to say, "now, hang on a minute" and let someone know that you need help handling something, whatever that may be. How you're feeling. What you have to do. What you expect of you and what others expect of you. Whatever. And I'm sorry to hear about how your dad is to you - is there anyone like an uncle or older guy cousin you could try hanging out with? You deserve to have that sort of figure in your life.

Hang in there, Colton. You can do this. And we're always here to try to help. Feel free to PM me anytime

Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
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