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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
shipklaine Offline
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Name: nick
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Unhappy i'm am alone - July 8th 2009, 02:02 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

i hate my life right now. i lifeguard for a job. i have been out of work since april 25th. i kad to have unexpected knee surgery. as for now im getting evicted from my apartment next month. i just moved in here in may, paid a $525 security deposit cuz i dont have any credit or a co-signer, and signed the lease the day before i knew i was hufrt. i woke up the morning on the 24th with my knee swollen. went to work then to the e.r. they siad to use a brace and go back to work-no restrictions. no ice, elevation, nothing. went back to work the next day. tried to swim and found out i could not. told my boss who was there and also told him i couldnt stand let alone barley walk-i was limping at that point. he tried to get me to stay. then he made me go on stand where we have to stand up on our feet to guard. i could have killed him at that point for making me do that. then he let me leave. found out 2 weeks ago he got fired. and by that time i dont think anyone else at my work knew what he made me do but i emailed my other boss about it and his bossn and no response from either of them.

and also i was apparently supposed to email the manager of the city back about coming to work. not my boss like i did-and he never wrote me back. i have had no contact with him since the last day i was at work-which was april 25th. as far as me and my job are concerned it's like i don't even exist anymore. what the fuck does the manager of the city have to do with me getting recertified anyways? absolutley nothing as far as i know. and im going in on the 13th to get recertified to guard. im trying to leave where i am at now to go to another pool.

turns out the supervisor from the pool i wanna go to is a manager at the pool i work at now-they are all all-year around pools to guard at(indoor and outdoor). anyways he will be recertifying me, one of my potential future supervisors will be recertfying me. im hate the idea of that. i know how to do my job. no worries. we have to get a brick though and thats i timed event and we have to swim on our back with it to the end of the pool after we get it from the bottom of the pool and i suck at breaststroke kick on my back. thats the only thing im worried about. but i dont wanna work with him, not now. and if i can, as much as i wanna work outside i will not work with him outside. i dont know how long he has been there so far and i dont know what he has been told about me-all bad things i can imagine. i complain alot where im at now but fuck i shouldnt have to sit on stand and tell another guard to go get a kid that is drowning underwater and have him not listen to me. thats bullshit. and the boss that got fired, i wish i knew y but i dont. and no one else does either, unless they r just lying to me. he started here in january. 2 weeks after he started here i told him i was transgendered-female to male. he said ok. but not once when he was here NOT ONCE did he ever say HI or anything. he avioded me at all costs. even sometimes when i asked him something or told him something he ignored me. i tried telling my other boss and their bosses about this and guards and headguards and managers fucking up on the job and they just said i was lying about everything. and as far as work is concerned-for transitioning-i'm not allowed to talk about ANYTHING that has to do with it or anything else about my life to anyone at work. unless im on stand or complaining about someone fucking up i might as werll shut up when im there.
it's like i don't even exist anymore there. ya think my boss that got fired is transphobic????

here's my take on my job(part of the letter i sent to the pool i want to guard at; mainly everything said here was all on the letter except what my job does wrong. if you want the whole 4 page letter i wrote them i will be more than happy to pm it to you....
My name is XXXXXX XXXXXXX. I have been lifeguarding for about 3 years. I have had one interview with you before, back in March. At that time I didn't show you how I am as a lifeguard and what I could bring to the company in fear of not getting the job since I am strict about lifeguards not doing their job correctly and I do take lifeguarding very seriously, unlike just about every other guard I know. As a lifeguard you are, in the eyes of a patron, responsible for making sure they are safe in the water and to attend to their needs if they need help-ex. Anywhere from if they are drowning in the pool, they need help finding the locker rooms, or if a child cut their finger. There is no room for screwing up on stand and by doing that and not paying attention to patrons in the water you are putting them in danger; should they need help, you wouldn't notice it if your on stand messing around.

Headguards and managers should not only being there in case of an emergency. They need to make sure the guards are doing there jobs right (ex. making rescues when needed and to make sure the patrons follow the rules of the pool) and to make sure if guards need to make a save that they do it. Also they are there to answer patrons questions as them come about and to fix the pool should the chemicals become unbalanced. If they don't do their jobs correctly and something were to go very wrong it's not only the lifeguard that would be in trouble for not doing their job that they are trained to do, it would also be the headguard or manager that would be in trouble-for the fact that they weren't doing their job of making sure the guards were doing there job. I want to lifeguard for you because I love my job, the pools are closer to my home, and based on what I've heard, your guards know how to do their jobs right. Be proud of yourselves for that; I have yet to find a pool where their guards can actually do their jobs correctly. I know you would want a person like me working for you because of my impressive guarding skills along with all of my other job skills I possess. I've never missed a shift or in-service and since I have started guarding, I have subbed for someone else due to various conflicts over 350+ times and have attended 103 in-services(and still counting). And only 47 of those in-services i was paid for.

My manager and my boss both should have not made me go to lazy when I told them I couldn't stand. In doing so they were putting me at risk to injure myself even more and with me not being able to swim I wouldn't have been able to make a rescue if I would have had to make one, thus putting patrons in danger too. They both owe me an apology. Even if I have to go back there, I know I will never get one from either of them. During surgery on my knee holes were drilled into the bone to let blood seep through to make new cartilage . I have been off my left leg since April 25th and I can't put any weight on it until July 1st. After that I won't be able to work for 2 more weeks so I can make sure I will be able to walk and swim again. I'm in physical therapy 2 times a week. I will be able to return back to lifeguarding again July 14th but I still have to be recertified so I can guard again.

Right now I work in an environment where my years of guarding and my knowledge of the job itself are not valued. My feedback about redcross compliance is not welcome. I am looking for a positive work environment, which I believe your company will be able to offer me. Due to my guarding skills, high work ethic, and truely caring about my job I believe I will make a great addition to your staff. Please consider me as lifeguard for you pool.
Thank-You

i emailed it to the pool i want to guard at. they wrote back saying they didn't have any lifeguard or management positions available at this time. i did NOT ask to be a pool manager. does that mean they want me as a pool manager in the future????

and now since i havent been at work cuz of the knee surgery i have no money to pay rent or bills. i havent had a phone cuz i cant pay my cell phone bill. im lcuky i still have internet. they r working with me on paying the bill off when i get the money. my electric and gas will be shut off soon cuz i cant pay the bill. im trying to get a modest needs grant-modestneeds.org-titled Knee surgery is keeping me out-to get my july rent paid. none of the grant has been filled yet and it wont be. my rent was due on july 1st so its allready late. i am still on my dads insurance but i never talk to him. i hate him. and even if i did i dont have a phone to call him on. and he gets mad that i dont call him but i tell him i have no phone to call him on and he doesnt listen. i have no one to help my with the bills, no place here where i live to help me with paying the utilities and rental assitance cuz there r all out of funds or cuz i havent lived here for 6 months. mainly cuz they r all out of funds.

and even though i get recertified next monday ill still have to wait to be put back on payroll to guard-if i can get the brick in tim-if not i wont have a job anymore. and if i do pass i wont be on the schedual to work till the end of july and i wont be getting a check till 1 month after i start working and by then ill have no place to stay. and my 1st check i get has to go to my bank so i can get my checking account back otherwise il never be able to open up another account at a bank cuz what i owe the bank now would go to a collectiosn agency. and i owe about $700 in medical bills-mainly co-pays-that i have to pay on top of all the bills i owe and i cant go back to dance practice(i started irish dance 3 weeks before i had to stop cuz of my knee)till like sept. but i cant afford it anyways right now so that doesnt matter.

i hate going to work. im always in trouble for one thing or another weather i did it or not and they never believe me when i tell them anything and some of the stuff i get written up for are lies. fuckin dumb asses!!!! and the boss i have now, back in april out of the blue he said that i work so much i might as well gohome and shoot myslef. i didnt write him up right away for that immediatley cuz i knew his boss wouldnt believe me. and of course they didnt. i had to try really hard not to cry when they told me i was lying about that and that i was making it up just to get him in trouble-and when my boss said what he said told me-he wasnt my boss at the time he was just one of the pool managers and then i told on him for it and they told me they didnt believe me about it and then they made him my boss=[

there is lifeguard appreciation day this saturday night. work said i may be able to go to it-what the fuck!! i should be able to go no matter what, i work there!!!-but if i do i cant do anything there since my doc. note says i cant go back to work till monday. there doing softball-which i wasn't gonna do anyways, and other games-so im not going to it. im not gonna go and just watch a bunch of people i don't know have fun(i only know 40 of the 100 guards on staff, there's a bunch of new guards this summer). they suck at trying to make their employees feel like part of a team. that's how a bunch of people doing the same job is supposed to work anyways. and i asked already but didnt get an answer so i asked again if i can come in before i get recertified on monday to make sure i can get the brick in time and to make sure i can swim-this is on my doc. note too-to make sure i can swim before i get recertified and go back to work-so they better let me. if not im fucked and wont have a job anymore. hopefully they write me back today.

i have hypersomnia and that's bad enough-its like narcolepsy-the only think is i dont wake up and not be able to move. anyways my sleep is really fucked up right now. i keep sleping during the day and staying up at night. and sometimes i sleep both day and night. and when i do sleep i end up waking up every 2 hours usually to go to the bathroom. and i keep having well i dont know if they would be called nightmares-but at least be called bad dreams-i keep dreaming of the boss i have now and him being a total asshole not letting me work for complaining a lot and the indoor pool i am at in the dream sits over an old mine with railroad tracks. and then the bottom of the pool opens up to a huge pit where u cant see the bottom of it and the boss i have now tries to push me in it for me to die and my old boss who used to work there back in sept. telling me to grab the rope that is hanging from the ceiling so i dont fall in the pit and die...

i had rope here when my sister was spending the night when i had my surgery to help me the 1st day after it. she put it somewhere. i cant find where though.

i wish i could find that rope so i could just go find a tree and hang myself.



This is bunny

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Last edited by shipklaine; July 8th 2009 at 02:50 PM. Reason: adding stuff
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
dancer Offline
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Re: i'm am alone - July 8th 2009, 09:54 PM

Hey Nick,

*hugs*

Sorry that things have been so tough lately. And the people at work - don't listen to them. Seems like you're trying to do the right thing as a lifeguard, so don't think their own ignorant comments reflect anything about you or what you should do.

It seems like a lot the work complications are also due to medical stuff - is there any way you could talk to your doctor about how your knee's affecting your work, and about how your financial situation is getting complicated, too, and ask for help from your doctor in sorting things out?

Hang in there.


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block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: i'm am alone - July 10th 2009, 05:30 AM

Hey Nick,

I think you're a really dedicated life guard, and that's something great to see because not many people care that much. I'm sorry things for that job aren't exactly working out for you though. It's always hard when things seem to constantly get worse. However, sometimes looking at the few positives more than the bad things can always help brighten a dull mood. It's important to prioritize and realize what is and isn't important to worry about at certain times. I know that all the past is hard to take, but it's in the past now and you should concentrate on moving forward - to a better place. When we only hold onto the bad, it leaves no room for anything good.

As for your money issues, just try and get any job for now. Any amount of money would probably be helpful. Maybe you can arrange something with your dad - maybe to move in until you're on stable money grounds. You might be able to talk to a financial advisor or something like that - they could give you advice on what to do next. Maybe there are charity ones near you or ones that ask for a fee once you can give one.

I know you're nervous about the tests, but put them out of your head. If you're really worried about the swimming tests, maybe put in some extra practice time. Then you can feel more confident about that brick test. Or you might be able to talk with the people evaluating you? Maybe they'd let you do the test the way you're comfortable with? It's never harmful to ask - just in case. Most importantly, be yourself and believe in yourself. You know how to swim, and you were already a life guard. So, just hang in there because you DO know your stuff.

Try and keep positive and remember that suicide is a permanent attempt to fix a temporary problem. Suicide will ruin how fair you've come and it will take away all this hard work you did to last this long, it is an accomplishment. Even if it's not what you want yet, it's going to help you get there. Remember, you're not alone. If you need anything, PM me any time.


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