Triggering: no quite self destructive

[Anthony1323]

I'm new to this site and I want to get a few things off my chest that I didn't say in my other post. I need help. I found it in something called marijuana. It doesn't sound like a serious drug until it controls your life. When I would get depressed, I would smoke. When I got frustrated, I would smoke. When I couldn't handle people anymore, I would smoke. At every chance I got I would smoke. I treated it like air and my friends made it easier. I could smoke with anyone at any time. Little did they know I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. I was addicted. I would snap for no reason and then I would cry. People treat it like its nothing. It is, especially when its the only thing that matters. I still have burn marks on my hands from my liter. I still forget simple things. I still have intense urges for it. With out it, I began to hate myself. I smoked it to suppress the thought of suicide. It worked as long as I was high nothing mattered. Becasue of smoking I lost a very important person. Eryn Nadine Ricketts. She was the world to me and she still. We had an up and down relationship because I'm an idiot. About a year into the relationship I lied and said I was getting a serious operation on my lungs. I felt bad and told her the truth. She left me, and then came back to me. She said she loved me to much to leave. I had to earn her trust which was hard, because she wanted me to be her friend. I didn't want a friend, I wanted her. We got back together and she dumped me again because I told her I hated myself. We got back together and everything was fine. And then the pot thing came up. She found out I had been smoking and told me to stop. I told her I did. But kept doing it anyway. I came clean about it and she left altogether. All the sites we were friends on, she deleted her profile. All the sites where we weren't friends, she blocked me. She wouldn't answer my calls or texts. I still try to get her to say goodbye. She wont even respond it. And all of this puls the things in my other post have driven me to the thought of suicide. Theres nothing stopping me. I'm just a coward.

[braidenowns]

Hmm. You said it in there at the very beginning.'I need help.' Those are the magic words. It seems to me like this cannot be controlled by you. So you have to get into an environmentthat will help you control it. Tell your mum or dad, I'm sure that they can help you and if you don't feel comfortable tell a friends mum or dad. That's the easiest thing to do. Even if you print of what you wrote up there and gave it to them and ask them to read it, that would help too. (: You can email it to them to if you'd like instead. But you've said it already. You need help. That's what's important. And you've done the right thing by coming on here and talking about this.


Take Care,
Braiden.

[.:Bibliophile:.]

Hey,

I am sorry you are going through this; it really sounds like a lot of stuff. Please don't give up because you can make it through this. Life is really hard at times but in the end the hard times don't last and the good times are always worth hanging around for.

I am sorry that your relationship fell apart but there will be others. I know right now you might not want to hear that but it is the truth. The other thing is that maybe in the future when things start going better for you and when Eryn knows that you are feeling better she will be willing to take up the relationship again. But, if not there will be others out there. Don't ever give up on finding another relationship because you can find one.

I agree with Braiden, I think that you should talk to someone about all of this; talking can be really helpful and an adult might be able to help you get you better help. Do you think your parents would be willing to listen to you and help you out? If not your parents is there another trusted adult out there that you could sit down with and talk to?

If you don't feel like you could talk to them in person then a letter would be a good idea. Writing down your thoughts might be a good idea anyways because it will help you organize what you want to say.

Please hang in there and if you need someone to talk to feel free to pm me.