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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 12th 2009, 01:32 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've been so depressed for the past week or so. It scares me to post this, because I don't want to admit that I'm not strong. I love to post on TH, and try to help people here. But I've realized that just like everything else, I suck at that as well.

I'm trying to pretend I have everything under control, in real life and here on TH. But guess what? I don't. Everyday I feel like cutting. It would be so easy, when I'm in my room at night alone, to just swallow all of my stupid antidepressants, and that would be the end of it. I really don't know why I haven't already done something like this.

I'm a burden for everyone. I make the wrong choices. I'm to trusting, and get hurt like Hell because of it. Whenever I'm proud of myself for something, and believe I should like myself because of that thing, someone tramples all over it, and proves that I was wrong to be proud of myself, that I was never good at anything to begin with.

I think tonight would just be a good time to kill myself. There's nothing holding me back but fear. But fear is easy to overcome, right? Depression isn't..

I'd hate to kill myself, because I know that makes me weak, I know it makes me afraid to live, afraid to be strong. But the truth is that I'm never going to be strong, no matter how hard I try. Say what you may, I'm not strong, I never have been, and I never will be.

No one in my life understands, and I've hurt them beyond belief. I hurt them everyday, just by being alive. I love my family so much, but at the same time they wouldn't be holding me back. I mean, they'd get over it. I'm not worth it. I'm really not.

To anyone that cares.. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough. I'm sorry that I can't get through this. I'm sorry I don't know how to live anymore, without feeling like dying.

I'm so close to the edge that I can see myself falling, and I don't know how to prevent it. I'm scared... I'm alone... and I don't think I can handle this anymore. I just don't know what to do.





A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts


   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 12th 2009, 01:45 AM

heya,

you're not alone, you have us.
i know it's hard to keep holding on and you don't think you are strong but by getting up and fighting this everyday, that makes you strong,
yes, it's hard and i understand that it hurts and it's hard trying to hide it and feel like you have to keep holding yourself together, but why can't you let go and show your weak side just once,
it's okay to to not be strong, it's okay to beed needy, it's okay to show that it hurts,
is there anybody that you can talk to; friends, family, another trusted adult,
how about counselling, that tends to be helpful,

don't kill yourself, your young and you deserve to live your life,
you WILL be happy one day, i promise.
you just have to keep living,
keep pressing on,
you can get through this!
i believe in you.

PM me if you would like to talk, i'll be here for you!


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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 12th 2009, 01:51 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by xxJesus_Freakxx <3 View Post
heya,

you're not alone, you have us.
i know it's hard to keep holding on and you don't think you are strong but by getting up and fighting this everyday, that makes you strong,
yes, it's hard and i understand that it hurts and it's hard trying to hide it and feel like you have to keep holding yourself together, but why can't you let go and show your weak side just once,
it's okay to to not be strong, it's okay to beed needy, it's okay to show that it hurts,
is there anybody that you can talk to; friends, family, another trusted adult,
how about counselling, that tends to be helpful,

don't kill yourself, your young and you deserve to live your life,
you WILL be happy one day, i promise.
you just have to keep living,
keep pressing on,
you can get through this!
i believe in you.

PM me if you would like to talk, i'll be here for you!


Thanks Cassie, I really appreciate it :]
I've talked to my family about all of this a lot, and I've been to two counselors, neither of which have helped me at all. Could be I didn't give them much of a chance, but I don't know. I'm on an antidepressant but it hasn't made things much better. Severe depression just turned into mild depression, with the occasional severely depressed days. I guess it's just hard to keep hopeful when nothing seems to be working, you know? I'm sick of having to ride out the storm, so to speak, I just want all of this over right now, at my command. I know that there is a chance that things might get better in the future, but how do I go about turning that chance into a definite possibility? HOW do I make things better? How do I let myself control this? Not being in control scares me and hurts me more than anything. I guess what I mean is that sometimes I feel like it would be a lot faster to simply end everything instead of having to wait months, years, for things to get better. It often feels like I just can't last another second. And that's how today has been :/





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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 12th 2009, 01:56 AM

i understand BUT everything will get better in time and honestly if you think about nobody is really in control or we would all be happy and healthy, you know.
everybody has something wrong with, nobody is perfect.
if you keep reaching out and giving people the chance, then things will turn around.
it takes time, it doesn't happen just like that, there's no magical solution per say BUT there is always hope and things do change with a little hope.
you just have to believe that.
i know what you mean but you can last another second, you can last another hour, you can last another day, just take it slowly, everytime you breathe is a step to a brighter future, you have a chance.


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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 12th 2009, 02:16 AM

It's just so hard to believe, when I feel like this. I don't see the hope, or the happiness that could be ahead of me, all I know is what I feel right now. I can't even remember living a depression free life, even though I did for so many years there. What if the rest of my life is only depression. Then I bet I will have wished I would have given up before it only got worse. I just don't think that I do have hope. I think I've lost everything but depression, because it's the only thing I ever feel anymore...





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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 12th 2009, 02:32 AM

depression isn't how your whole life is going to be; believe it or not.
life is a rollercoaster, sometimes we are up and sometimes we're down.... sometimes rollercoasters break, so maybe you just got stuck but they always start up again so you won't always be this way.

you've living without depression before and you will again.
sometimes we have to look deep within ourselves to find hope but trust me.
you'll be happy you didn't give up, trust me(:


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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 12th 2009, 02:49 AM

But what about the people that I hurt along the way, due to depression? What about the friendships I've lost, and the family members that I hurt everyday? Their life would be easier without me. It's not only about me, it's about them. I'd end so much of their pain if I wasn't here. They wouldn't have to listen to me complain about how insecure I am, or how no one even looks at me anymore, how I haven't had a good friend in forever. How no one understands. I can't stand hurting them one more day. Hurting people is what breaks me, yet I do it everyday. Then my mom, she has to pretend it doesn't bother her. That must be so had for her. I intentionally hurt my sister with my words. I'm afraid one day those words will turn into actions, like the violent thoughts that I have. I can't hurt people. I just can't. I don't want to do it anymore.

Then there's school. Even before I was depressed I was ignored, which made me feel so insecure. I was frequently laughed at, which has caused my lack of confidence. I never leave the house anymore, and that hurts my family as well. I know they're here for me, I know they try their best to always understand, but I know it must be hard for them. And it's not only about how much more I can take, but how much longer they can do this. I just don't want to be a burden anymore...

Then there's being betrayed, not just by a friend, like what has been happening since 2nd grade, but by God. I feel like God has abandoned me, like he's left me all alone. My faith has always been a stepping stone. It's been with me so long, since my dad died when I was five, and even before that. But now it's gone to.

I hurt everyone else, and I hurt myself. All I do is hurt. I've lost hope, no matter how many times someone tells me it's still there, I just can't believe it. If I had hope on my side, the therapy would have helped, the antidepressants would have worked. I'd have friends, I wouldn't be hurting my family as much as I do.

Whenever I tell someone how I feel they tell me that "life is a gift, and I should appreciate it." But how am I supposed to appreciate my life, when all it does is hurt people? I try to help people as much as I can, to make up for the way I hurt my family, the way I've hurt friends in the past. But no matter what I do, I can't make it all go away. I can't change the fact that all I do is ruin lives...





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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 12th 2009, 02:59 AM

You're lucky to have a family that cares about you. Trust that they wouldn't be better off without you, I used to think the same thing about the people that care about me. I actually had this conversation with my somebody who is like a dad to me and he said "yes, it hurts me to see what you are going through but it would hurt me a lot worse to see you gone, i never want to lose my daughter, never, and everyday i see you alive let's me know that we still have today and that we still have a chance.." it hurts the people we love but it would hurt worse if we lost them.

i'm sorry that you were ignored/laughed at in school that must have been hard. is it possible to join clubs/sports that interest you and maybe you could make some new friends..

god hasn't abandoned you, i know that for sure. you just have to keep up the relastionship with him. faith can be a huge factor in life if you feel you have slipped away from it just try talking with him a little bit everyday and i'm sure you'll start feeling him again! even if you have nobody He'll always be there!

if your family is there then let them help, it's easier to lock people out but it's so much better letting them in and letting them help you through you're pain. open up and tell them everything. it'll be okay!


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keep your faith alive.
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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 12th 2009, 03:16 AM

Part of me believes you, that they would be hurt, but the other part of me just reminds myself that I'm not worth it.. what is there about me to miss? I'm not blaming my family in any way, but it seems like they're hurt by me more than they care about me, if that makes sense. I say horrible things to my mom, that I wish she was dead, that she doesn't deserve to be alive... and every time I say something like that, it hurts, because I know I'm hurting her. Yet I can't stop it. I know that no one is control of everything in their lives, but I should at least be able to control my words and my actions, shouldn't I?

My family would be hurt at first, but I know they would realize sooner or later that their lives are better without me in them.

School... I can't even think about that. I'm sick of being judged, sick of being so hurt at school. It hurts so bad to go that I would self harm in the middle of class last year, right inside my desk (don't know how no one ever noticed. guess it just proves I might as well be invisible). I know that sounds so ridiculous, makes me sound like a loser. I've vowed never to have a best friend ever again, and I don't feel like I can face school again next year. I'm not ready, I'm just to weak, to scared.

Even if I do have hope, as you've been telling me, nothing is going to be better by the time school starts. It just doesn't happen that fast, I know that for a fact. And I can't face school again. It means hurting my mom and my sister even more. It means feeling even more suicidal. If I killed myself by the end of the summer, no matter how ridiculous and weak that sounds, I'd never have to face school, ever again. That seems like a deal breaker, to me.

I'm sorry to waste your time, I really am. I hate asking for help, it makes me feel as if I have one more reason to kill myself - because it makes me even more of a burden to everyone else.





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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 12th 2009, 03:23 AM

you are not wasting my time, trust me. it's okay we all need help sometimes.
do you know why you say these things to your family?
i'm sure they wouldn't be happier without you though, they love you, regardless and it would hurt them more than you ever know if they were to lose you!

i'm really sorry about school, is there anyway you could switch schools and have a new start? if not, just try your best to get through the day, school is not a reason to kill yourself. what about talking with a teacher or school counselor, they're pretty nice(:


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keep your faith alive.
we're not alone <3
   
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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 12th 2009, 03:34 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by xxJesus_Freakxx <3 View Post
you are not wasting my time, trust me. it's okay we all need help sometimes.
do you know why you say these things to your family?
i'm sure they wouldn't be happier without you though, they love you, regardless and it would hurt them more than you ever know if they were to lose you!

i'm really sorry about school, is there anyway you could switch schools and have a new start? if not, just try your best to get through the day, school is not a reason to kill yourself. what about talking with a teacher or school counselor, they're pretty nice(:
I think it's mainly because I'm so angry with myself. I get mad and disappointed with myself because I'm depressed, and because I can't make it all go away and just be happy. And then I take all that anger out on my family, and when I don't take it out on my family I take it out on my self by cutting. When I have that anger towards myself, I just can't prevent it. I've tried a lot of the usual ways to cope with anger, but none of it works. I've always been angry, I just have a natural tendency to be irritable and angry with life and myself, and when that happens I take it out on whoever I can, without even meaning to. I guess the reason that I feel they wouldn't really care all to much if I were to kill myself is merely because I would feel that way if the roles were switched, considering how much I loathe myself. I know it may not be that way for them, but it's hard to convince yourself that anyone truly cares about you when you've never cared about yourself.

And as for switching schools, that's why I'm so worried and nervous about next year - I'm going to a new school. My old school was complete Hell, and what worries me is that this new school will be exactly the same. I've went to catholic school for years, now I'm going to public, which is scary enough. But add on the fact that I can't even leave the house without worrying what people think of me, and that's when I'm simply going to the mall or taking the dog on a walk, or whatever. I've gotten so afraid of people judging me that I don't act like myself in person anymore. I never smile, I rarely talk. I guess I've brought all of this upon myself, in a way. I don't know how to feel comfortable with myself. I've been trying for years, nothing works.

I guess I could talk to a counselor at school if things are hard next year, but I hate talking about these things. I feel like I have to be strong, and if I don't feel strong, I have to at least pretend that I have everything under control. And the instant I reveal that to someone else in 'real' life, there's a good possibility that could simply make everything even worse.

God I'm annoying, aren't I? =/





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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 12th 2009, 03:38 AM

no, you're not annoying.

could you try taking your anger out on something that is more healthy, punch a pillow, write, draw, stomp around, etc. find healthier ways than what you've been doing!

well try and think of it as a new start, think about you can make friends and get involved and have a good experience! public schools aren't that bad, you can actually meet a lot of good people!

everything will be okay


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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 12th 2009, 03:49 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by xxJesus_Freakxx <3 View Post
no, you're not annoying.

could you try taking your anger out on something that is more healthy, punch a pillow, write, draw, stomp around, etc. find healthier ways than what you've been doing!

well try and think of it as a new start, think about you can make friends and get involved and have a good experience! public schools aren't that bad, you can actually meet a lot of good people!

everything will be okay
I do write a lot when I'm angry, I guess it's just a matter of trying to direct my anger at something else other than my family or myself.

And thanks, that really means a lot. I guess I just wish it wasn't so hard to let myself believe that everything will in fact be okay, because every time I've let myself believe that things would get better, I've been nothing but disappointed. I guess I just need to toughen up and be more trusting of myself though.. I just find it so hard to believe and do the things that so many people find so completely easy.





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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 12th 2009, 03:52 AM

understandable.
you just have to break the negative cycle.
you keep going around and around and that's why nothing changes and it hinders your ability to believe in yourself and the others around you.
you need to be able to say "this is what's wrong," "this is what needs to change" and i'm going to do it "such an such way"


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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 12th 2009, 04:33 AM

I'm really trying.. I really am trying to be positive. I'm trying to believe that things can get better for me. But it's so hard right now I just want to hysterically cry for hours. *Sigh* I just don't think I want to be alive anymore, even if things will get better. Even if tomorrow I wake up and everything is better, it still doesn't change the fact that I have no life, and that I'm completely scared to be alive. It's just so hard to handle. And I was I had someone to talk to, but I feel so alone. I either feel so depressed, or so emotionless. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I wish I could just be strong...





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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 12th 2009, 04:44 AM

but you are strong, you are a lot stronger than you think ----- you're ALIVE NOW and that's all that matters. It means you still have a chance to turn your life around but you have to be willing to step forward, step out of your comfort zone a little bit and try. you have to try.

you aren't going to be alone forever and you will find people who love you for you, trust me. like i said this year, you have a chance to start all over again, to make new friends, to have the life you want, you have to take that chance. it's worth it!

just try to keep repeating positive words and stuff. i find the more and more you repeat positive things the more positive you feel. it's okay to cry, sometimes we have to cry, tears = healing.

i'm always here <3


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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 12th 2009, 04:58 AM

I really appreciate all of your help Cassie, I'm extremely sorry if I'm wasting your time or burdening you with what I'm going through right now :/

Like I said before, part of me knows what you're saying is true.
But if I'm not in control of my depression, not in control of my feelings, how can I be in control of my life, and where it's headed?
And how do I gain control of those feelings? I guess it's probably not as complicated as I'm making it, but I really just find it so darn hard.





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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 12th 2009, 09:02 AM

I'm so depressed I feel sick to my stomach.
Ugh, I'm just so sick of this shit. Why do I feel like I'm so weak all of a sudden?
I just need someone to talk to. I'm sick of my ever changing moods.
I HATE this.





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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 12th 2009, 01:39 PM

Hi Amanda,

I'm so sorry about the late reply. How are you doing?

So, sorry if I post something that Cassie has already said - mostly went through and read what you wrote.

Anyway, first off, you're not being annoying or a burden or anything like that. You're being amazing and actually asking for help and talking to someone when you're feeling down.

And regardless of how you may feel about it, you're one of the most inspiring people I know. I've seen you around, your various posts and whatnot. The advice you give is awesome, and your writing is really "real" and strong and a few times reading it has actually helped me not SH.

I understand what it feels like to think that you have to be strong for everybody else. For a really long time, I never told anyone anything because I thought that the more I took, the longer I was silent, the stronger I was for it. False. Sometimes the real strength comes in talking to someone about it. Going it alone is not a sign of some superhero ability. Appearing "weak" is not a weakness. I'm really proud of you for posting here. That's giant. Talking to someone, like a counselor at your school or outside of your school, or someone maybe like a youth minister, would probably be a good idea, too, though. It's okay to have support. It's okay to not always be okay.

You just have to keep remembering that eventually, things will be.

Hang in there, hun. Feel free to PM me anytime.


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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 13th 2009, 02:40 AM

Hey, thanks for your reply, and taking the time to type all of that :]

It's always good to know that I've helped at least a few people on here, if I truly have. I mean, that's basically the main reason I post here. But sometimes I feel like one of the reasons I like helping people so much is simply because I feel that by doing that I can make up for not being able to help myself. Is that selfish?

I think that part of the reason I've never seen myself as worth very much is because compared to so many people in my life, I'm nothing. Take my sister for example - she's always been so much better than I am. She's a good singer, she's extremely pretty, she gets all kinds of compliments. And... I'm just me. And that little voice in my head is always telling me that being me just is never going to be good enough, because I won't be as happy, as pretty, as talented, as everyone else. I don't know, it just really sucks and hurts to feel that way.

The only thing about talking is that every time I do it, the only thing anyone cares about is my antidepressants. Like, if I tell my mom I've been feeling really depressed again lately, she'll simply ask "you haven't been taking your pills again, have you?" Sure I miss a few nights here and there, but that hasn't happened in awhile. What my mom doesn't understand is that the pills aren't going to work miracles. I've asked to go back and see my psychiatrist, but the few times I've had an appt. with her and told her the pills aren't doing much good, she simply tells me to give them time.

How much time can I give? I've been taking them for months now, and I still feel depressed. How much time does everyone think it's going to take? It shouldn't take that long.

I should go back to my counselor but I just don't want to. I had a couple appts with her, and all she told me was that I needed to exercise and lose weight to be happy. Well the only thing that did was make me feel worse. I already know I'm overweight and ugly as hell, how is being reminded of that supposed to make me feel better?

I already switched therapists once before, so I don't want to ask my psychiatrist to find me another one again. So I found it easier to simply not go. I feel like I have myself in a trap lately. Every time I leave the house I feel sick to my stomach. Today we went to a restaurant and these two girls saw the scar I have on my arm from cutting the other day, and I could tell they were looking at me like I had some kind of contagious disease.

I don't know... I guess I really just need to shut the Hell up, don't I? My life could be worse. I just really don't feel like living lately, something keeps telling me that dying would simply be so much easier. I know I'm already hopeless, so what's the point in trying any longer?





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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 13th 2009, 04:08 AM

In absolutely no way do you need to shut the hell up. Not one bit. Being silent doesn't help anything, trust me. How you're feeling and what you have to say and your words and all of you in general are important. And definitely not hopeless.

Honey, you're amazing. All by yourself. Dealing with feeling insignificant is really hard - I tend to think that I'm "not enough," too. But being a good singer, being pretty - stuff like that is pretty transient, and doesn't make a person who they are. How many times have you heard someone say "I love hanging out with so-and-so, she's a great singer" as opposed to "I love hanging out with such-and-such, she's an awesome person?" My experience is that people typically go with the latter. And thankfully you're an awesome person And definitely good enough. More than enough.

I know that you said that you aren't completely comfortable switching counselors, but it might help. I have a friend who's been dealing with depression for years, and for her it took trying different counselors and psychiatrists until she found the ones who she felt most comfortable with and who best understood her and how to address what was going on with her. You could maybe try talking to your psychiatrist again, too, to let her know that your current prescription isn't working, and you were wondering if you two could figure out a different approach.

Social situations can be unnerving. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to let other people's reactions get to you. I know that I often walk through a crowd looking down and thinking "please-don't-look-at-me-please-don't-look-at-me." But most people who do look at you are just going to see you as a normal human being. And those who don't are just weird. Ignore them

Most times the easiest thing is not the best thing. And the best thing is often the hardest or most uncomfortable. But sometimes it just takes a bit of internal scrunching to get to a place that's way more comfortable.

And we're always here until you find wherever that is. Hang in there


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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 14th 2009, 02:58 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by dancer View Post
Honey, you're amazing. All by yourself. Dealing with feeling insignificant is really hard - I tend to think that I'm "not enough," too. But being a good singer, being pretty - stuff like that is pretty transient, and doesn't make a person who they are. How many times have you heard someone say "I love hanging out with so-and-so, she's a great singer" as opposed to "I love hanging out with such-and-such, she's an awesome person?" My experience is that people typically go with the latter. And thankfully you're an awesome person And definitely good enough. More than enough.
But I'm not good enough. I've never been good enough. All I do is hurt people, including myself. If I was good enough, the people I trusted wouldn't have bailed on me last year. If I were a good person, I wouldn't cut. I'd be able to get through this. I wouldn't make my mom cry everyday. I'm not good enough. I never have been. I try to make up for it by helping people, but that's just another thing I can't do right. I mean if I helped people here, truly, if I were good enough, sorry if this sounds rude, but I'd be on staff, wouldn't I? I'm obviously not good enough, not at posting here, not at being a good person towards my family. I'm never going to be good enough. So why be alive?

I don't have enough pills left to kill myself. But when I get them refilled next week... what is there to keep me from taking them all, from killing myself? There's nothing I'd miss about my life.

I know it's weak to commit suicide, I know it's not right. But neither is the life that I'm living now, or the way I'm hurting people.

I just want out. I'm sick of crying all day long, I'm sick of this, I'm sick of living. No words help, nothing will make it all go away. I can't do this anymore, I just can't. I might have hope, but I'm not going to wake up and have everything be perfect. I know it doesn't work that way. And tonight it seems like I just can't take one more day of this.





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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 14th 2009, 03:13 AM

Amanda, honey,

*gives gentle but tight hug*

I'm sorry that you're hurting so much right now. I wish I could find some sort of magic wand to fix everything. Because you deserve to be happy.

Because you really do help people. A staff position isn't necessarily indicative of how much you have or can help people. And you help a whole lot, hun. The people who bailed on you - that's their own stupidity, not anything to do with you. In fact, it's typically people who are nice or helpful or whatever who get bailed on, because people feel they can do that more easily. It sucks, but it definitely doesn't mean that you're not good enough. And cutting does not make you a bad person. Not at all. Lots of good people have made even worse decisions. But the choice was bad, not the person. Amanda, you are an amazingly good person. And I'm sure that you're a wonderful daughter. How our parents respond to how we act, even in trying to make things better, isn't something we can control. Even when we do try to do the right thing or fix something in a family or let our parents know what's going on, they can react in unpredictable ways that are seemingly our fault. But they're not.

So, why be alive? Because the fact that you are right now means that you should be. That you matter. That you're someone's friend. That your someone's daughter who they don't want to lose. That you could be someone's mother. Or aunt. Or godsend neighbor. And whatever you "could" be, who you are right now matters, too. Because you're a person. And people, whoever they are, matter. Even if there's nothing you'd miss about your life right now, that's right now. I promise that there will be things in the future that you would have missed. Or would have been missed during.

Things don't have to be perfect to be better. But things will at least get better.

Hang in there, Amanda. I know I'm just some random person, but I really, really care about you.

Hang in there.


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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 14th 2009, 05:41 AM

the thing is nobody has a perfect life we all have something wrong, something that is hard. you're right, you're not going to wake and it will be magically perfect but that's okay, it doesn't have to perfect. there are things in life worth living for. think about times when you were happy, that's why life is worth living BECAUSE YOU WILL HAVE TIMES LIKE THOSE AGAIN.
you'll be happy again.

you are good enough. i'm sorry the people you trusted bailed out and left but that doesn't make you not good enough. some people just can't handle it and don't know what to do so they just leave. but not everybody does, so why don't you go out and try and make some more friends. decent friends that won't leave you.

like i said before, your family would rather you be alive, regardless of how much you hurt them. i mean, think about it, we all hurt the people we love but just because somebody that i love hurts me doesn't mean i would be better off with them not in my life; no. it would be horrible without them there. and i'm sure your family feels the same way. have you ever tried family counselling? that might be helpful.

don't take the full bottle of them. it's not worth it. life will get better. it will.

i'm sorry i didn't reply sooner.
but you can always send me a pm if you want to talk, you are in no way bothering me. i want to help you. <3


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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 14th 2009, 06:20 PM

But my family has told me that they don't want me alive. There have been times that I'll say "Well, maybe I should just kill myself." And my mom will tell me to go right ahead :/ I mean, I know that she only says it when we're arguing or in a fight with each other, but it still really hurts, regardless. She apologizes and all, but that doesn't take what she's said back.

Today I told my mom that I was thinking about killing myself, which was why I had stopped taking my pills. Which was a bit of a lie. It's not that I was saving them up so that I could kill myself, just that... I don't know, I'm not ME when I'm taking those pills. I know that I don't need them to be happy, and I'm determined not to depend on them to be happy. No one believes in me. I just want to prove to them that I can be happy, want to prove it to myself. But they just don't understand.

My mom complains about how much she has to worry about me, how much stress I put on her. So why make her go through that anymore? I try to be a good person, I try to not make them worry, I try to make them care about me and love me even if I'm not always happy. But I'll never be able to. It's not about being perfect, it's about being WORTH it. It's about being a good person. Something I'll never be, not when I cause more pain than anything good.

I just don't want to do this shit anymore. I want to give up, like the weak stupid idiot that I am. Because I'm sick of being alone, a bad person, of being me. And I just don't think I can do it anymore.





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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 14th 2009, 08:16 PM

you are worth it.
it's not right for your family to tell you to go die or whatever. it doesn't matter if you're fighting with them or not it doesn't give them the right to say that.
honestly, you need to sit down and tell your mom that that's not right and she need's to watch what she says around you because it triggers you!
is it possible that your family care's they just don't understand what is going on and they just freak out and say whatever.
i understand what you mean about your medication but sometimes we need that to make us cope, esp. when it's not the circumstances in your life making your depressed. if you have a chemical imbalance then you need it.

don't give up!
i know it's hard, i really think that you should seek some help.
even counselling didn't help before, why not give it another shot, it's better than feeling like this.
hang in there.


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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 15th 2009, 03:34 AM

Amanda, you are worth it. You are good enough. You are not a weak stupid idiot. You are not weak, you are not stupid, and you are whatever the farthest thing from an idiot is. And you are most definitely not a bad person.

My family has said stuff like that, too. Doesn't mean you should listen to them. Just because someone's your parent doesn't make them right. You are invaluable. Trust me. And you are not a burden to your mother. She is your mother; she is supposed to worry about you. And mothers tend to worry about their children to a potentially ridiculous degree even when their children haven't given them anything to worry about, so it's not like you in particular are the cause of that worry. And anyway, you're a part of the family-ish-type-thing here at TH, and you will always be a vital member of that.

But with your mom... could you maybe try talking to her about how what she says hurts you, even after she apologizes? How apologies don't necessarily repair the emotional damage done but just momentarily pause what caused it?

And on the pills... I think it's kind of admirable, that you realize you don't want to be dependent upon them. Too many people view them as a sort of "magic fix." Not that it's that they can't help, it's just if you realize you're not happy with them and want to find a way to be happy all on your own, that's great, too Would it help any to talk to your doctor about maybe coming up with some sort of plan to do that? So that you don't have to worry about figuring out how to effectively do that all on your own (which isn't the same as not being happy all on your own - you are allowed to use a roadmap )

Hang in there, Amanda. The best way out is through. And we'll getcha through this. Feel free to PM me anytime, hun


Drown in the music,
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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 15th 2009, 03:35 AM

Ya know, reading through this I could have sworn you took a couple pages out of my life story. However I see some big differences. The biggest difference I see is how mine ended and how you want yours to end.

Unlike you, no one would give me the time of day to let me vent. I didn't have pills and I couldn't transfer because I never had enough money for either. As for my parents, they literally put the knife down in front of me and said the day I die is the day they jump for joy.

There isn't much I can say that hasn't been said. Right now, all I can do is show you that a lot of people care. You can PM me, VM me, IM me, E-mail me. Hell, I'll give you my phone number if you want to text me or talk to me live. I'll share my story and solutions with you if you want. I'll end this post with this: It was in the midst of all this that I found out who my true friends were.
   
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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 16th 2009, 02:10 AM

Killing yourself isn't a sign of weakness. Neither is depression. Your anti-depressants don't sound like they're doing a very good job. Perhaps you should talk to a psychiatrist about them, BEFORE you kill yourself.

No one wants to know you're dead. Please stay here and just keep trying to get better.


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Re: I've realized that I'm just not worth it. - July 20th 2009, 03:51 AM

Concrete girl, don`t fall down! Don`t fall down, my concrete girl.


(I don`t actually mean to *roll eyes*, I just think that smiley works for the situation. I don`t mean it to be sarcastic..)

Last edited by lovenoodles; July 20th 2009 at 04:40 AM.
   
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