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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Exclamation I'm insane and I know it - July 12th 2009, 09:59 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

It won't be long now. just a few more weeks before I commit suicide. I'm losing my mind. I'm not exaggerating. I mean that as seriously as I can. Like those psychotic people who go and kill someone, and they know they are insane. That' me. I don't know if I'll kill him though. Definitely me though. Definitely me. I think I'll jsut wander off and see how far i can get by and hopefully die slowly. I deserve it. If I don't and I know I'm about to be found I'll jump off a bridge.

I did stuff with jeff willingly tonight. Twice. And I cshouldnt. I shouldnt enjoy it. I LOVE SHAUN! I LOVE HIM! I really do...he's all I want. but I can't see him now. I'm filled with guilt. I hate myself so fucking much. SO FUCKING MUCH! I'm going to kill myself before I see him I think. I wish he knew...I wish he knew how much I loved him. I try and tell him but my actions says otherwise. I hate myself. I'm insane...Just a mtter of time before I hear voices. Just a matter of time ebfore I do it.

And nobody is really going to care. Im only posting this because Im interested in the responses. You cant stop me. Ive been planning this a long time.
   
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Re: I'm insane and I know it - July 12th 2009, 10:03 AM

Can you not talk to Jeff about it? or write him a letter telling him about your guilt and what you did? if your strong together you could get through it, you don't need to kill yourself for that. Not at all. How much would you be hurting him if you did that? how much would it hurt to lose him? think about it, you should be honest and tell him how guilty you are for doing it and you could both get through it.
And you should talk to him about this as well, he can help you.


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Re: I'm insane and I know it - July 12th 2009, 03:16 PM

Hey Mystery,

hun, I know that I can't force you to not do anything, but I can beg you to please not hurt yourself. You're way too cool a person, and there would be such a lack without you.

People do things they think they shouldn't, or shouldn't have. It happens. Whatever. Try talking to Jeff about what happened, and talking to Shaun. If you're open about what went on and how you feel about it, people are more likely to respond understandingly than angrily. And try telling Shaun how you're feeling, too. Try telling someone. Because you deserve to not wander off alone - you deserve to keep going, with someone at your side.

And I definitely really do care what happens to you. Even if I'm just some random person, I do.

Hang in there, Mystery.


Drown in the music,
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block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I'm insane and I know it - July 12th 2009, 03:51 PM

Thanks guys...I think I'm going to visit Shaun soon. And if I do I'm going to tell him exactly how I feel - suicidal and all. Jeff knows I am. I don't know if I'll be thinking rationally often though, like I am now. I really scare myself sometimes, you know? My head's so messed up anymore...It's in my mind all the time. =[
   
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Re: I'm insane and I know it - July 12th 2009, 03:55 PM

when you get bored could you not ring one of your friends so you don't scare yourself or think about how much you hate yourself? and as I said PM anytime and I'm happy to talk about anything
I hope your okay.


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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I'm insane and I know it - July 12th 2009, 04:31 PM

I only have one friend I talk to on the phone or see. I do usually text him and sometimes he'll come over or come get me. But he can't be here all the time, you know? Idk. I need help...but I don't want to go inpatient again.
   
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Re: I'm insane and I know it - July 12th 2009, 04:38 PM

ah yeah i know well could you not stay with him for a while if your feeling bad? maybe being around someone alot would give you something else to focus on and might make you feel a bit better, if he's there to talk too.


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  (#8 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I'm insane and I know it - July 12th 2009, 04:41 PM

Yeah. The past month or so Ive been staying at his house. It's been nice. But as soon as I'm home it all hits again and I lose it. =[ Blah. I can't win for losing. And my only reasonable solution is to just end it and get it over with.
   
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Re: I'm insane and I know it - July 12th 2009, 04:43 PM

Did you talk to him about it while you were there? ;/ could you not go and see a therapist or someone about it and take him with you for support? You wouldnt have to do it alone.


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Re: I'm insane and I know it - July 12th 2009, 04:52 PM

that's NOT a reasonable solution! and you don't have to have only one friend, if you can't make any usually, i hope you know that there are TONS of people on TH that want to be your friend. Even me, I would love to be your friend! god that sounded cheesy, sorry. but it's true you know.
   
  (#11 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I'm insane and I know it - July 12th 2009, 04:58 PM

Meh. Since Ive been in this depressive state nobody really seems to care. I'm so tired of being strong and there for everybody else and when I need someone I get nothing. Idk, I have plans. Ill try and respond more in-depth later tonight. Thank you for the replies, honestly.
   
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Re: I'm insane and I know it - July 12th 2009, 05:00 PM

but when your depressed you do convince yourself nobody cares but they do, otherwise your friends wouldnt be taking the time to try and help you and listen to you, we all want to help and be your friend. People do care honestly.


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  (#13 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I'm insane and I know it - July 12th 2009, 11:57 PM

I keep trying to do things that will push myself over the edge. I'm TRYING to drive the guy I love away. I'm trying to make myself feel guilty. I've pushed all of my friends away except one. I don't know why I'm so intent on killing myself though...
   
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Re: I'm insane and I know it - July 13th 2009, 12:22 AM

Is it maybe because you have so much hate towards yourself? Even if you want to do this, killing yourself would hurt the people you love and that love you, no one wants that - everyone wants what best for you. So if you can stop pushing him away and do the opposite to what you want, so your not doing things to try and push yourself over the edge.


'Cause there's no pride to be found when you follow sheep around..

<3 15/3/09 <3
11 months, I love you.
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  (#15 (permalink)) Old
Never Forget Hope
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Re: I'm insane and I know it - July 13th 2009, 12:48 AM

I think so...And I tried to talk to him but he was busy =/ so I hope I can talk to him tonight...I just hope it doesn't backfire like normal. =[
   
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Re: I'm insane and I know it - July 13th 2009, 05:58 AM

Hey Mystery,

I hope talking to him went okay. I understand the whole "pushing things away" response - I remember thinking, "maybe if you're mad at me, it won't hurt so much if something happens to me." But actually, it would have. People forget having been mad at you when you get hurt. And they sometimes actually resent that they were. So hang on to your connections - you deserve to have someone help hold your hand when it starts shaking.

Hang in there. PM me anytime


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
  (#17 (permalink)) Old
Never Forget Hope
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Re: I'm insane and I know it - July 14th 2009, 04:37 AM

Meh...Im still planning on doing it n a few weeks. Sorry. Leavin TH though. THanks for talking guys. Take care.
   
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Re: I'm insane and I know it - July 14th 2009, 04:49 AM

Mystery!

I know that I can't force you not to do anything, but please, please hang in there! No apologies. You are really cared about here, and I promise that we're not giving up on helping you, whenever you need it. I guess the most I can do is beg you to remember that even when things feel overwhelming or like they should just be done, there are always other ways to fix that besides suicide. And sometimes we don't have to be the ones to fix what's going on in our lives. Sometimes things completely unexpected and spontaneous happen and help things get better.

Mystery, without you there's a void that can't ever be filled because you were the only one who could ever have been in that space to say such-and-such, think whatever, laugh however, do thus-and-so. You're the only one who ever has the potential to be you.

And that you means a lot to a whole bunch of people. And will still mean so much, do so much. But you have to stick around to find out what.

Please take care of yourself, Mystery. I'll be thinking of you.

Hang in there.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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