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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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I'm not very well. - July 13th 2009, 07:46 PM

I thought I was but I'm not.
I've been depressed...since I can remember. I self harmed up until a year and a half ago, I still do every now and then, but it's rarely.

When I was younger I was sexually abused. I also have a violent father and a mother with what I think is a mental disorder. I haven't looked into it but I know she isn't right. I am no longer emotionally attached to my parents, however I do live with them at the moment.

I recently dropped out of college and have got a new job, I'm a carer which is quite a strain physically and emotionally, I also work odd hours, very early in the morning, very late at night or the night shift.

I've got the ball rolling on moving out of my house. I'm waiting a few people to get back to me, and although I'll just-abouts be able to afford the new flat, it will be very very tight.

A very close friend of mine died this christmas, and my girlfriend killed herself two years ago. I also got out of an abusive relationship about a year ago.

I've just abouts got over my panic attacks although I am very sensetive and a claustrophobic.

All of these things challenge me every day. They say bad things make you stronger, and I felt stronger for a while, but now I feel as bad as I used to, and its been taking every bit of energy I have to not over dose.

Its becoming more and more apparent to me how much trouble I'm in right now, and a lot of the time it's all I can do but stop from crying. I had to remove myself from a situation today because it all just...over flowed.

I don't know whats triggered this. Nothing in the last month has happened except for applying for my new flat, but I feel so awful.
I've been drinking more, smoking weed more. Binge eating a hell of a lot more (and its noticeable) , and I can't stop smoking.

Please help me. I'm scared of myself, I hate myself for being like this.



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Re: I'm not very well. - July 13th 2009, 11:58 PM

Hey. I'm sorry so much horrible stuff has happened to you and its perfectly understandable for you to feel like this, you've been through so much and now it's probably all caught up on you and dragged you down.
It's great that you have a new job and you'll soon have a place to live at least that will get you away from the situation with your parents, have you tried talking to your dad about his behaviour and how it's affecting and has affected you? and same to your mum, would she go to see a doctor with you?
I'm sorry you've had bad relationships but your past girlfriend wouldn't want you to be unhappy and wouldnt want this to be dragging you down I'm sure so just try and remember the happy memories you have with her and not the bad things. I hope you got out of that abusive relationship quickly you don't deserve to be treated like that and don't let yourself be treated in that way again.

I know it feels hopeless now but it will make you stronger and people will admire you for that, I admire you for dealing with all that, I really do. You've been through so much and your alot stronger than you believe you are, don't overdose you're better than that and people will miss you. It's not worth it at all, just hang on you can get through this.

If you EVER want to talk or need someone to talk too, please PM me I'll be happy to help you.


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Re: I'm not very well. - July 14th 2009, 12:15 AM

hey there, Im sorry for all the things that have happened, but you can be strong I agree with all that Jess has said but I think that you could be feeling like this now because moving out of home is a challenging time, you have lived your life with your parents and although they aren't perfect they have always been there and now your at a junction where you have to stand . It could be this thats causing all these feelings to flare up now.
Im sure things will get better I know its hard to stay strong but over dosing will not solve anything. stay strong and please pm me if you need to talk ok, stay safe.


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Re: I'm not very well. - July 14th 2009, 12:50 AM

Hey,

I am sorry that you are struggling so much but from everything that you stated you seem like an exceptiontionally strong person and you should be so very proud of yourself for that. You have overcome a lot of very tough things and that does make you strong. Right now you may be feeling a bit low but you can overcome it all again. You sound like a fighter so please keep fighting.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with your parents but I am very glad you are taking steps to get away from them and that situation. I think that is great.

Right now I think you need to focus on placing one foot in front of the other, you know. Just focus on what you really need to do; getting out of your parents house for one. Try not to overwhelm yourself because overwhelming yourself won't help. (I know its hard but please try). Something that helps me is to keep saying 'I can do this' or 'this too shall pass'.

Try not to think that you are falling back into your same old ways 'feeling as bad as you used to' because part of that really could be your mind trying to psych you out. It sounds like you are doing so well and maybe your mind/body is a little afraid of that, you know? Your mind could be afraid that you will fall back into your old ways.(This happened to me for a long time) Keep telling yourself that you are okay and you can make it through this because from what you have said I think you can.

Lastly, is there anyway you could go see a counselor? It could be really helpful to you. I know it can be scary but counselors can help keep us on the path of 'good'. If you have someone you could talk to openly about your fears/frustrations/anger it could prevent all the emotions from building up inside of you. Please consider it?

You mentioned that you cut on occasion and if you want help stopping that you should check out the alternatives thread in the self-harm forum; they are really helpful. The one thing you should remember about the alternatives is that they do take awhile for your body to get used to and want to use instead of cutting.

Please hang in there and if you ever want to talk my pm box is always open.

~Jenna~


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