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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 18th 2009, 05:38 AM

COULD BE TRIGGERING, FORGOT TO LABEL WITH PREFIX!!!!
[Note: Labeled it for you].




“Laura, why are you depressed?”
That’s probably my most asked question. Usually I reply either by shrugging, changing the subject or saying you wouldn’t understand. I think that I need to make you understand though, just so you know. Okay, so I know that people have much greater issues in their lives, but these affect me a lot. I figured I should let you all in a little…

So, umm, where should we start? Maybe we should start when I was four or five? My dad used to have a night job at Tesco, so he used to sleep during the say which meant me and my mum weren’t allowed to make any noise, and if we did…lets just say we tried our hardest not to. My dad was pretty violent, I vividly remember the things he did, no matter how hard I try to delete them from my messed up mind. I remember he used to keep my mum a prisoner. Whilst all of her friends spent their Saturday nights clubbing, my mum was forced to spend a silent night in. He used to hit her. I used to watch in fear as he’s throw glass ashtrays at the wall…or at her. He used to hit her for stupid reasons…because his tea was a bit cold, or stuff…whilst he slept I was banned from playing, but by the time he woke up for work, it was time for me to go to bed. There were many times when I used to wake in the middle of the night to find him strangling her, and I used to rush over screaming. When he saw me, he always stopped…always. My mum often says she wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me. I’d saved her so many times. I remember when we all went over to my mum’s friend’s house for a party. I was getting tired so my dad brought me back. Our neighbour had dumped several bikes on the pavement and we couldn’t see them because it was so dark. We tripped over them, and that’s when my dad span out. He kicked our neighbours door in, ran up the stairs, dragged them back down and kicked the crap out of them. There was loads of other stuff that I don’t want to go into much detail about but yeah…he was violent. When we finally managed to get rid of him, my mum and I became happy. That was a good part in life I guess. We did so much stuff together, I loved it.

When I was seven she met my step-dad…at first he seemed like a really nice person, but soon enough he turned out to be just like my dad. He kicked my mum when she was pregnant, used to hit her for stupid reasons. One time he tried to set the house alight so me and my mum had to spend the night at the local alcoholic’s house. Sometimes he scared me more than my dad, because I was a little older and understood more. He’d twist her arm, try to break her wrist. He’d strangle her, throw heavy furnature on top of her. The one thing that made him different from my dad though was that he also targeted me. He locked me in my room once, locked me in the house. He twisted my arm and shoved me backwards when I tried to call the police. Then he poured petrol on himself, he’d try to gas himself in the car, he’d do pathetic stuff. He cheated on my mum so she kicked him out but took him back soon enough. I detest him, and there’s so much more I could write but meh…I can’t.

My friend got cancer, it really affected our relationship. It bonded us together more but she wouldn’t speak to me much. She’d pretend she was ok but she wasn’t, she was far from it. She survived it, but at one point I thought I would lose her…and it still hurts to this day, I still see it in my mind…I’ve seen a guy get splattered by a lorry. It was pretty sick…I always thought you’d at least stay in one piece if you got ran over…but jeez….his brain was all over the road, and I’m scarred by those images. I was in a bus accident recently, Christmas Eve to be exact. Although no one was seriously hurt, one person fainted and another hit his head pretty hard. There was a lot of blood all over :/

You know…I can’t actually write anymore…I mean, there’s so much I want to write, worser things have happened but…I don’t feel up to writing about them yet, and you probably think this is nothing and I’m moaning about nothing but meh…this stuff affects me. I’ve had friends who have died, killed themselves. I can’t write anymore…but yeah…now maybe you understand a bit more.

Last edited by Katrina; January 18th 2009 at 08:47 AM. Reason: See above note.
   
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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 18th 2009, 10:24 AM

Hey Laura.

Good for you for getting the courage up to post all of this. Know that when you're ready to share the rest of your story, we'll all still be here listening. [: I'm not sure how helpful I'm going to be on the advice front, but I'll give you my best shot anyway. So, are you guys still living with your step-dad? If so, I strongly urge you and your mom to speak up about this - it's abuse. It's not right, and he shouldn't be doing it. There are a few hotlines in this thread that you might want to take a look at when you have the chance.

As for your friend, I'm sorry to hear about a cancer, but you know, I've heard that if any good can come out of things like that, they will - they will make the person stronger and make them really value life and their friends. So, I imagine this is why she's trying not to complain about it too much - she doesn't want to bring any of the great friends she has down [which, for the record, is completely selfless and admirable].

All in all, I hope things shape up for you. Take care of yourself.



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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 18th 2009, 01:47 PM

Thanks for replying, I guess. Yeah, my stepdads still here, and although he's changed, I still despise him for everything he's done in the past. I live in the past and I can't escape...
   
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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 19th 2009, 04:40 PM

Im sorry you had to go through that.. I dont blame you for hating him..

Im sorry for your friend aswel, at least he/she got through it though

I agree with Katrina, You really should talk to someone. I understand that hes changed but i would still not like to stay there.

Maybe if anything does get worse, would it be a possibility to stay with a friend? then maybe get the police involved to help your mum..
I cant believe some people.. honestly

I hope you okay
   
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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 19th 2009, 04:50 PM

I can't get over this depression! I promised myself I wouldn't return and yet here I am, haven't even lasted 24 hours away from this place. Its my lifeline, I need you people in my life. I can't survive alone just yet, I'm not strong enough...not strong enough to cope...and I feel weak, but at the same time...idk. I shouldn't have came back so soon. I shouldn't have given in...I shouldn't have...
Today i've been so tempted. So, so unbelievably tempted. I've held off though. I don't even know why I'm depressed today, although on the news today has been labelled as the most depressing day of the year...I feel weak, like I'm never going to become anything. I hate myself in this state, I want to be happy, I really do but I can't get out of this trap. Thats whats happened. I'm trapped in this state, and I can't escape.

I was seriously considering hospitalisation tonight.
   
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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 19th 2009, 04:57 PM

Laura, there i nothing wrong with needing help. I myself couldn't make it without this site and the friends I have made here. You aren't weak for needing help!

If you feel you need it, hospitalization may be good. Just don't let yourself get to the point where you do anything stupid, ok?

It will get better, you're not trapped. Just stay strong, you can make it through this. And whether you like it or not, I care about you. PM me anytime you need to talk.


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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 19th 2009, 04:59 PM

Thanks Cody, I think I'm gonna take another couple of sleeping pills, hit the deck for the night, wake up in the morning and seriously sort this out. I'm scared to ask my mum for hospitalisation. Maybe i'll take a trip to the doctors if i'm feeling brave enough...
   
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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 19th 2009, 05:01 PM

Ok, but just a couple. I'll be here for you if you need me, anytime.

Good luck tomorrow. I hope everything goes well for you.


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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 19th 2009, 05:09 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheNumber42 View Post
Ok, but just a couple. I'll be here for you if you need me, anytime.

Good luck tomorrow. I hope everything goes well for you.
Yeah, i agree, dont go OTT on them.

Good luck, Just remember that it cant really get worse, if you feel brave enough to talk to your mum about it - Try doing it while your dads not there - and things can only really get better.

Remember - Everyone whos posted is here for you if you need to talk to anyone

I hope everything goes well too
   
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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 09:37 AM

So, I never did go to the doctors. I was late for sixth form today [the sleeping pills worked well i guess :] I was watching tv and this guy said 'everyone focuses on the negatives, if we were to solely focus on the positive side, then things would appear better'. i agree with him, but its hard, real hard. today went pretty well i guess, until i went mad and collapsed in the school toilets crying, with some pills..and when people started talking about razorblades in media. Triggered!
   
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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 10:34 AM

That guy on the TV really was entirely right. It is way too easy to focus on the bad and forget that there is even any good. But if you star focusing on that good, things really do seem alot better.

Maybe you could try this exercise:
Every time you think a negative thought, think of two positive ones. They can be anything, you might think "I look pretty today" or "I'm working really hard to get better" or anything like that. It doesn't mater what you come up with, just find two positive things about yourself/your life to counteract any negative things you think. If you can get into the habit of doing this, it can really help.

I'm always here for you if you want to talk


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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 11:39 AM

mhmm, maybe you're right. look, see...im listening! :] as ive been sat here watching the obama ceremony on tv ive been thinking...things can get better. i know they can and i can do this...i just need to focus on the present and the future...
   
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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 12:07 PM

actually screw that - lets fuck this shit and get it over with haha. the voices are back haha. theres only one way to escape them haha
   
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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 12:18 PM

Oh, Laura, just stay calm. Take some deep breaths. It's going to be ok. Stay positive, alright?

Can you go to your doctor? Maybe that would help.

I'm always here for you.


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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 12:27 PM

they said it is the end. they tell me what to do, where to find the pills. shut them up :'[ i dont want to end it anymore... :'[ i cant stay positive, not when they're here. i need to get rid of them! :[ why the hell does this happen...i want to get better...
   
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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 12:29 PM

Laura, you will get better. Don't listen to them, you don't want to end it. I know it is hard to be positive, but do your best. I know you can make it through this. Just keep talking ot me and don't give up.


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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 12:42 PM

i think im gonna take some sleeping pills, knock myself out so i can escape them..
   
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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 12:45 PM

Ok... but don't over-do it with these sleeping pills, alright? I understand wanting to get away, but you aren't making progress while you sleep.

Can you get an appointment with a doctor or therapist so that they can try to help you through this?


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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 01:03 PM

ah i cant find them anyways..im gonna book an appointment tomorrow i think...if i have enough strength to...i think i make progress when i sleep...but i cant sleep without the pills...hmm..
   
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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 01:10 PM

Well, maybe you do. I suppose I can't be sure. And I'm pretty sure you don't go backwards at any rate.

That sounds like a great idea. Seeing someone about this could really help. I know you're strong enough to do it.


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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 01:16 PM

mhmm...though you'd be surprised...im not strong, hell if you could see me now then youd agree on that...aha
   
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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 01:35 PM

No, I think you're incredibly strong. You're going through alot right now, but nothing could change my opinion of how strong you are.

What's going on?


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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 01:44 PM

strong is something im not. trust me. im having visions of jumping off the local motorway bridge...finding it hard to hold back
   
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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 01:47 PM

Laura, can you call and talk to someone on a suicide hotline? Maybe that would help. And if you really feel like you're in danger, call an ambulance for yourself, ok?

I'm here for you, just keep talking.


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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 01:50 PM

are you insane?! i cant call them they'll lock me up! argh...
   
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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 01:53 PM

Well, have you ever considered that? Maybe it would help? I'm not saying it would or wouldn't, but anything is better than you dying.


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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 02:01 PM

i cant take this and now my parents are fricking arguing...sigh...i need a break, i just need a break
   
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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 02:05 PM

Can you go for a walk? Listen to some music? Call a friend and talk to them? Do something that will take your mind off things and relax you.


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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 02:13 PM

i cant do this. my lifes a mess. if i go for a walk then i promise you wont hear from me again
   
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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 02:29 PM

no going for a walk!!! You will stay here and talk...



I'm so tired of pretending everything's okay, my tears are starting to show and my smile is fading away.
PM or VM me if you need me, I'm here if you need someone to talk to or to just listen. I also have most messangers if you want to talk on one of those.

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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 02:30 PM

Then don't go for a walk, just stay here and talk to me, ok? I'm here for you, you're going to make it through this.


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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 02:39 PM

im scared...i just need to do this, i need this to end..
   
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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 02:41 PM

No you don't...you just need to be not scared...hmm...that sounded akward...anyway, just keep talking you can make it through...



I'm so tired of pretending everything's okay, my tears are starting to show and my smile is fading away.
PM or VM me if you need me, I'm here if you need someone to talk to or to just listen. I also have most messangers if you want to talk on one of those.

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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 02:42 PM

I know that you're scared. I fully understand that, but I'm here for you. Can you just take some deep breaths, maybe put on some music and try to stay calm for me. I know that you can make it through this.


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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 02:48 PM

no Cody...what i said to you...i meant it. i really meant it.
   
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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 03:10 PM

Laura, please don't go. I know you can come through this. Just don't do anything drastic. Someday you'll look back on this and be so thankful that you didn't give up your life.


~Cody

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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 03:17 PM

I won't...I won't though, will I... :'[
   
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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 03:19 PM

You won't give up. You are strong. In the time I've known you, you've done things I could only dream of having the strength to do. I know that you can pull through this too. Just keep talking to me. Don't give up on yourself.


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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 03:22 PM

I can't...I can't...I can't...I can't...
I feel so bad now...I feel...I can't carry on!!!!
   
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Re: ''Laura, why are you so depressed?'' (A little explanation which i'll complete soon) - January 20th 2009, 03:25 PM

You can... you can... you can... you can.

I know how it feels. Like you can't o, like it is all too much, but the truth is: YOU CAN. Just don't dwell on the negative, try to look at the positive.


~Cody

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