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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Good Morning Offline
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I don't want to be here anymore. - July 17th 2009, 05:48 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I just can't take it. I'm sick of trying to live out this Suzie Sunshine lifestyle where I can just take in everybody else in return for nothing. Yeah, that's right, you can come cry on my fucking shoulder because god knows there are enough tears there already. Sure, cry on MY shoulder because you know I can't back away. Oh no, of course you would never have thought that I had problems too. Goddamn, I want a shoulder.

And I'm sick of getting failure speeches from my parents. Of course I realize I'm screwed, thanks for pointing it out. I actually took my AP scores and hid them today. I don't need them knowing I failed one and got a two on the other. But no, they make it perfectly clear that I'm not going to ever get into a good college and I'm never going to be a good student and I'm lazy and irresponsible and "not working to potential." Fuck you. You try working to potential when somebody is constantly breathing down your neck to get something done and criticizes your every move.

I just realized how much I typed and it ended up more like a rant. I have more built up inside, but I'll save that for whenever I can see straight and breathe out of my nose. I'm this awful mix of angry, depressed, and suicidal at the moment and it's killing me (no pun intended). I picked up the knife earlier. Two years down the drain? Would it have been worth it? I put it back down. But I really want to pick it back up.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to live out this half-assed life anymore. I'm obviously a complete failure, a disappointment, and a sorry excuse of a human being. All I can think of now is my neighbor and childhood friend who committed suicide recently. I don't know where he got the willpower. I just can't bring myself to death and I hate it. I want to see the blood and feel everything just leave my body and mind.

Because I just can't see how living like this is worth it.

Last edited by Good Morning; July 17th 2009 at 05:55 AM.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I don't want to be here anymore. - July 17th 2009, 06:06 AM

Hi Sydney,

I'm sorry that things are so tough right now. But please, please don't hurt yourself. And you don't have to keep things bottled up - we're here to listen to you, whatever and however you have to say and for however long you have to say it. We're here for you.

I understand what it can feel like, always having to be the "golden one," the dependable one for everyone else. But it's okay for you to ask, really ask, for support, to. It's okay to not always be okay. Is there anyone like an aunt or uncle or cousin or neighbor of friend's parent or anyone like that you could try talking to? Counselors can also be really helpful.

And you're not a failure. Nobody's perfect. Nobody. That would be incredibly boring. There's a book about "how to be perfect" in which all the perfect people sit in an auditorium and do nothing, not making mistakes, just being their perfect selves. Ick. 'Cause they don't grow, either. People are dynamic. People need somewhere to move. If you start out perfect, how can you ever get anywhere? Having improvements to make just means being like the rest of the human race and getting the chance to grow.

And school isn't everything. Not-so-great AP scores completely suck, but you're life can never be measured by a 1-5 scale. In fact, it's worth so much, it can't even be measured at all. Your importance, how much you matter, surpasses anything like that.

I have a cousin who nearly failed out of high school. He's now going to a perfectly fine college and is happy without having had to "settle" or anything. My father also was - well, not-so-hot at school, didn't even finish college, but now runs his own fairly successful business.Getting good grades and being a competent person are not always the same thing. Please don't listen to your parents - as long as you try, you'll be completely fine.

Is there any way you could find some breathing time for you, away from your parents? Like, by going for a walk, hanging out with friends, things like that which make you happy and remind you that you deserve to be happy?

Please don't hurt yourself. Not having killed yourself is a sign of strength, not weakness. It takes more to hold on than to let go. People often mistake the quiet little fight in themselves for cowardice. Please don't do that. And please don't pick back up the knife. There were times I did, and I regret them. If you think you might hurt yourself, please call 911 or a helpline (like 1-800-442-HOPE) or get to a hospital.

Please hang in there. We'll getcha through this. Because there is hope. It'll be okay.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I don't want to be here anymore. - July 17th 2009, 06:25 AM

Hey Sydney,

I am so sorry you are struggling with all of this but please don't hurt yourself because you deserve to live and you are not a failure of a disappointment. I know things may be tough right now but please hang in there because they can and will get better with time.

I know how sucky it can be to be the perfect/dependable one but you don't have to be that way all the time and it is okay to ask for help(dancer is right). Asking for help doesn't make you any less human or strong or anything like that so please don't ever hesitate to ask for help. If people were okay all the time the world would be way too perfect and that would be boring :P

Do you have someone you could talk to? A friend, cousin or family member? Talking can be really really helpful and it helps to get all the bottled up emotions out which is really really good.

You know, school is definitely not everything and as much as not so good AP scores suck that does not mean you won't get into a good college. I know a friend that took AP classes and didn't do too hot on the tests and still got into good colleges; how did you do in the classes? If you did decent in those that is really all that matters. You know, AP classes are not everything when it comes to colleges, they can help but they are not everything so please try not to stress over that.

And, Dancer is right, you should try not to listen to your parents because as long as you try you will be fine; sometimes parents just expect way too much.

Getting away from your parents is also a good idea; personally I like to go sit at the library and read or go to the bookstore and browse the books but if you like to hang with friends or see movies do you think you could do that? Everyone needs a break from their family sometimes and, personally, I think you deserve a little break from your parents every once in a while.

Just hang in there and if you ever want to talk my pm box is always open.

~Jenna~


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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I don't want to be here anymore. - July 17th 2009, 06:46 AM

Hey Sydney, Trust me, I became suicidal at 10 years old
i didnt wanna live anymore. I practically had dS and Fs in my grades as it got close to the end of the year, and finnaly, when 4th grade came, after a few months, i just gave up. I couldnt take it anymore.
the pain caved in on me I thought school sucked and there was no point in it.

But, lets just put it this way,
TRUST ME, THERE IS HOPE,
JUST HANG ON
NOBODY IS PERFECT AT ALL YOU MAY SEE PEOPLE THAT
'ARE TOATALLY POPULAR AND HAVE STRIAGHT As AND ARE RICH AND ACT COOL AND EVERYTHING AND DOESNT LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE ANY PROBLEMS, TRUST ME THEY DO HAVE SOME PROBLEM OR WEAKNESS THAT THEY HIDE.
IT JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT NOBODY IS PERFECT!
AND YOUR PARENTS SHOULDNT EXSPECT YOU TO BE PERFECT, YOUR A TEEN, NOT AN ADULT, YOU MAKE MISTAKES. AND THAT SHOULD BE OKAY RIGHT? THEY CANT EXSPECT YOU TO NOT MAKE ANY MISTAKES AT ALL.
ITS NOT REALISTIC.

YOU WERE PUT HERE FOR A REASON, TO DO GREAT THINGS
SO DONT PICK UP THE KNIFE EVEN THOUGH IT MAY VERY HARD NOT TOO.
JUST HURTING YOURSELF MAY MAKE YOU FEEL WORSE. ITS NOT WORTH IT SWEETIE. jUST KEEP YOUR HEAD HELD HIGH, CAUSE THIS IS GONNA BE A RIDE, JUST KEEP PUSHIN ON YOULL MAKE IT THREW, TRUST ME.
AND GET HELP PLEEEEEEEASE

P.S. YOU DID NOT THROW 2 YEARS AWAY AT ALL EITHER.
pLEASE STAY HERE! DONT HURT YOURSELF OR KILL YOURSELF OR ANYTHING! TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS, THE PEOPLE THAT YOU TRUST.

YOU CAN COUNT ON IT!
LOVE, SHATTERED HEART
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I don't want to be here anymore. - July 17th 2009, 06:55 AM

Thanks you guys. It helps to hear that even strangers can look out for each other.

More thoughts:
It's just always upset me that I have to put on this happy face whenever one of my friends is unhappy. Some (five, to be exact) even jokingly call me "mom" because I look out for them so much. I give away so much love and attention to these people and have nothing left for myself. Lately I've just been craving affection and love anywhere I can get it - ultimately I just want somebody to take me in their arms and hold me and tell me I'll be okay. God, I'm such a child at heart. But I have yet to either have that happen or figure it out for myself. =/

And as of right now I have nobody to talk to, considering it's almost 2 AM here. I was talking to a friend earlier, yet the conversation just kept going back to how great this girl is and how everything is going to work out between them - I had to send little "aww, congrats =]" text messages when I just felt my insides shrivel up. I envy these people so much. I'm getting desperate for love. But back to talking to people, the one useful thing to come out of me talking to my mom is her telling me she's trying to find me a therapist. Even though it's for my anxiety problems, I'm sure I can bring this issue up as well.

And it just sucks that all my life I was expected to be the perfect child. Placed in all advanced courses since the first grade, outstanding SOL scores all my life (even now), and my parents just jump off the deep end when I'm slipping up in a class designed for people four years older than me. They don't understand how hard it is to deal with both the class and their anger. I wish I could stick THEM in those classes and see what they think then! (Alliteration at its finest, people. Yay for English.)

I don't think I'm going to hurt myself tonight. But I don't want this feeling coming back full-force tomorrow or the next day or any day for that matter. I need to cope or give in. I'm torn. I want to leave this place forever... but I want to be happy? God I just don't know anymore at this point. The only thing I do know is that I want to be loved.
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I don't want to be here anymore. - July 17th 2009, 07:17 AM

Hey Sydney,

that doesn't sound childish at all. I completely get how you feel; that's kind of exactly how I've been feeling some, too. It's not childish or anything to want affection, when you've depleted all your reservoirs focusing on other people. I know that it can be sooooo hard to not focus on everyone else first, to not be there for them before taking care of yourself, to not pretend like everything's okay to make sure that everyone else is okay, too, but you get to not worry about everyone else, and focus just on you. It's not selfish. You completely deserve it, especially after how thoughtful you've been for other people. Even the friends that you put up a front for, if you're comfortable with it, it would be okay to talk to them about what's bothering you for a change. They might be happy to get to return the favor, by being there for you.

That's really awesome about the therapist - you can definitely bring up this stuff, too.

And you don't have to be the perfect child. Regardless of what anyone else may expect you to do, you don't have to be perfect. I know, easier heard than remembered. I tend to put harsh expectations on myself, too. But please remember that the fact that you're even trying to get through AP courses is awesome, and definitely speaks for your motivation. It takes a lot of hard work to even attempt to keep up, and you should be proud of yourself, however your grades are, regardless of what your parents say.

And yes, yay for English Good job on the alliteration

Wanting to be happy is a good thing. And wanting to be happy is something completely normal, and definitely understandable, given all that you've been through. But being happy doesn't mean completely severing yourself from what's making you unhappy. There are ways to cope, and maybe even change that. Problems can end while you go on. Please hang in there, and please get yourself safe if you do start to feel again like you're going to hurt yourself. Your therapist will be able to help a bunch, and you won't always feel this hurt. Things will be okay.

Really, hang in there. And I'm know I'm just a random person and whatnot, but hey, love ya!

You are cared about here.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
Good Morning Offline
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Re: I don't want to be here anymore. - July 17th 2009, 07:34 AM

Thank you so much for taking your time to try and talk some sense into me. It's kinda sad how I've been thinking like this lately - like I'm completely lost and hopeless and can't find my way out of it. But everything that's been stated here by all you guys really hit the nail on the head for me. I think eventually I can get my self-esteem back up and be able to hold my head high. I was just lying on my bed in a dark room at 12:45 in the morning and I felt like dying. Now it's a bit past 2:30 and I'm beginning to calm down. God I love this site so much - nothing is better than being reassured by others that you're going to be fine at any hour of the day. But I should probably be going to sleep now. And now I know, at least for tonight, that I'll be waking up tomorrow morning. Again thank you all so much for everything. You have no idea how much even the tiniest bit of conversation means to me. I really appreciate it. =]
   
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Re: I don't want to be here anymore. - July 17th 2009, 07:43 AM

Anytime

Just glad you're feeling a bit better. We'll get that to "way better."

Sometimes people just need reassurance. When we're upset, we typically don't think all that rationally. Anytime you need to be reminded that you're worth that, that things will be okay, and that you are most definitely cared about, we're here for ya

Feel free to PM me anytime!

Hang in there


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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