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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
justme Offline
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I break people - July 18th 2009, 02:47 PM

I always end up breaking the hearts of the people I care about.

Iím one of the few people in this world that will listen with an open mindÖ and who really really cares. Itís just the way I am. I get myself emotionally involved. I get myself involved in their lives and end up close to their hearts. And thenÖ obviouslyÖ I donít care because Iím in loveÖ I care because Iím a fiercely loyal friend. ButÖ I end up so close to their heartsÖ andÖ god. I donít know why. I donít do anything to lead them on, ever! I used to do that sort of thing, a long time ago- but that was then. But if a friend is cryingÖ fuck, Iíll cry with them. Iíll hold them close, stroke their hair and tell them everythingís gonna be okay. Itís not fair. Itís like, if I let myself get close to someone, Iíll break them. Although itís usually reserved for the ones who are already most broken. Those are the ones who typically get hurt. It makes no sense. Iím not a really great personÖ my only redeeming quality is my ability to fully and completely empathize. I suppose Iím not terrible-looking eitherÖ I think they call it unconventional beautyÖ but Iím not convinced that has anything to do with anything.

Why do I crush without trying? And of course the ONE time I loved one backÖ I was the one who ended up getting crushed. So I broke down and everyone else hated him and let me in closer to them. I fucking hate myself for this. Itís never, ever on purpose and itís like I have poison dripping from my fingertipsÖ Iíll reach out to help, and end up killing. I want to be there for themÖ I donít want to separate myself from people. But sometimes I think I should. Sometimes I think it would be so much better if I was dead.. But I know theyíd feel responsible- when itís really the other way around. See where Iím going with this- itís a lose-lose situation.

I donít typically ask for a lot of adviceÖ something I pride myself in is always being strong enough to find the answers myself. But for once, I donít. And I need help with this. Please.
   
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Re: I break people - July 18th 2009, 04:24 PM

Dont be afraid to ask for advice - be proud that you have the wisdom to know when it's time to reach out for help.
It's great that you are such a giving and loving person. Your friend's are lucky to have such a selfless person around.
When someone is at the lowest or broken, any lifeline can seem like their only hope. It's not your fault that people misunderstand your intentions, but because you offer support (possibly the only person in their life that does) and bring hope they may attach the good feelings of hope with you only and transfer this into to love or hope of a relationship. This is absolutley not your fault - and it's a difficult one to get round because you obviosuly don't want to just abandon them!
The best thing to do (and I know it isn't easy) is to try and have another trusted person with you when you are chatting personally with them. If there are 3 of you there they wont mistake it for romance and also if there are any problems where you are worried that your friends are in danger or you are unsure what to do, the 3rd person can offer wisdom aswel. Secrets bind us up so if you are swearing to people to not tell a soul it can become your burden too because of the worry.
If anyone hints they feel like your friendship is developing but you dont feel that way, tell them straight up. Avoiding let them down because of how they will react is creating extra problems for the both of you. Tell them you care about them so much but it's not like that, and that you want the best for them and thats for them to work things through as a singleton before them looking for the couple thing.
I'm so sorry you were hurt by the person you loved, it is a horrible thing - you need to know that you are amazing and don't need someone else to prove this. It's hard, but if they werent right for you then the best it yet to come!
Dont be blaming youself for circumstances out of you control - how your friends feel, their difficult situaitons, how that special person feels - it's not you fault and you can't change what goes on. You can only do your best (and it sounds like you are doing a flippin great job at supporting people!) sometimes that means taking a step back or learning that you can't fix everything for the people you love.
Look after yourself - you are more use as a friend when you are in a good state of mind and doing well!
If things are hard now it means things have to look up soon! Hold on and keep going.
Dont put so much blame on youself - its so hard but sometimes we have to let our friends work things out for themselves : (
You sound like an amazing person, stay strong, and dont ever be afraid to ask for a helping hand. We all need one sometimes.
x
   
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Re: I break people - July 19th 2009, 04:49 AM

Hi Kat,

take a deep breath, hun. It'll be okay. It's great that you're asking for help - a lot of times it's a really hard thing to do and is a strength, emotionally and mentally, rather than a weakness. Asking for help doesn't make you weak - it just means that your voice is strong enough to know when to speak up.

And how other people respond to the help that you've given them, that's not your fault. You can't control their emotions or actions. All you can do is be there for them, which it sounds like you're incredibly amazing at doing, and let them know that you will be there for them as a friend. You can be caring and clear at the same time. Sometimes, just mentioning things about how you're glad you're friends or how someone is important to you as a friend can help subtly get the point across, and if they do seem to be reading more into it, when they're in a calmer, more rational state, try having a "clarification conversation" with them about where your relationship is. But you should be so proud of yourself for being such a wonderful friend; your help has probably been exactly what some people have needed to get them through.

And I'm sorry that the person you loved hurt you. But you will be loved back that way, eventually. For most people it just takes some looking. Please don't be discouraged. And anyway, you are always loved and cared about, anyway. By your friends, by us here at TH We hold you to be invaluable.

Hang in there. Feel free to PM me anytime.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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ladyninetyfour Offline
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Smile Re: I break people - July 20th 2009, 09:52 PM

I read this and it made me cry... I feel like you are just like me... and no one understands me no matter how much i understand them... Hold out though, things get better. I'm sure they do, else I wouldn't be here. Don't blame yourself babe, or in the end you'll hate yourself. And that's not a nice place to be.

xoxox PunkRoxS9 xoxox
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