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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Arrow The darkest hour beckons - July 29th 2009, 06:08 AM

I think I would describe what I'm going through now as a form of depression.

Basically, I've lost faith in everyone around me. This has been one hell of a year for me. My cousin dies. Someone I thought was my friend stabs me in the back. Another supposed friend turned his back away from me when I needed someone's help the most. I no longer know if I can trust my adoptive parents or if I'm truly still alone. I've basically cut and isolated most of the people I know out of my life except for a couple who have shown that I can trust them. They're my only remaining link to humanity.

I feel an urge to become more reckless and dress darker as well when I get back on campus. Drinking. Experimenting with drugs. Seeing if I can get a therapist just to get my hands on some anti-depressants to help make me feel numb. Going to New York City alone at night to scope out the scene, get intoxicated and get stupid.

My life is spiraling so out of control right now that I don't know what's happening and why I'm going through these changes. For the first time I'm dealing with my biological father running away, thus making my biological mother give me away - he left me for dead. I'm waste, so why not act it? I'm kinda having this pull into continual and gradual exile from everything and everyone around me.

I don't know if you can call that depression. Because it's not necessarily feeling sad and suicidal. But, just not giving a damn about life anymore and living recklessly while I break down out of this burning anger inside me while trying to deal with my past. Would you call that depression? Rebellion? Something entirely else? The only thing I know is this is going to be the darkest hour of my life and I don't know if I'll be able to make it through to the other side.

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Re: The darkest hour beckons - July 30th 2009, 02:31 AM

i understand that you've been going through a lot... but always remember something: after you go through something bad.. the good stuff is definitely something to be beholded.. it is so nice it's work going through everything to come out on the other side and savour it.

you'll be able to, i swear on it. and you're not a waste.. you've gone through a lot, and i believe that deep in your heart a kind of compassion to help others has been built. i 'm sure that that compassion and willpower will be able to overcome whatever you may be able to face.

remember that all of us are willing to help at any time !


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Re: The darkest hour beckons - July 30th 2009, 06:46 PM

At the rate things are going, I have no idea of whatís going on. Right now I feel as though I can suppress the animal from breaking out of its cage. But, I know that when I get back on campus Ė Iím really going to fall apart because I just donít give a damn anymore.

When I look to the year Iím going to have: it includes getting high, getting drunk, wandering into the seedier parts of New York City alone looking for raves, underground night clubs, strip joints, and so on. Iím easily irritated. Wearing darker clothes, possibly getting a tattoo with my birth name written across my arm. And, if possible, sleeping around with any girl I see. Going to get into more exercise though, which I assume is good even if itís driving somewhere to run along the road and beat the fuck out of a punching bag. Iíll probably get into some fights in the city and if I see someone in danger Iíll throw my life into the balance to try to save them. Donít care if I die anymore, might be freedom. Not saying Iím suicidal, just Ė Iíve given up. Itís not the life of a good guy that I see; itís of someone whoís given up all resemblance of hope.

I mean, everything I held is falling apart around me and eventually I just cracked. This year alone Ė when I went to one of my friends for support he tore me down and threw me out, another friend backstabbed me, a girl I thought I had something going with treated me like I was shit, my cousin died, my aunt and uncle are possibly getting divorced, I feel separated from my parents due to leaning towards my birth right. It feels like Iím falling through this void and I canít find my way back to the surface. I donít even know who I used to be anymore; I have to pretend to be the same guy Ė luckily it seems others are buying into it. My parents have no idea how messed up I am right now and Iíve been telling them that Iím fine because I donít want them to be worried for me.

I know someone can tell me Iím not waste, but I still feel like Iím nothing. Thatís the thing; I am what I say I am. And right now, I have no idea who that is other than this black hole of shit. Itís been building up my whole life and I just canít take it anymore. Iím not suicidal, I just - I donít care.
   
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Re: The darkest hour beckons - July 30th 2009, 08:18 PM

Josh,
It seems like you have it all planned out, but maybe you can get it under control once again? And I'm not talking about shutting the lid and letting it churn inside. I'm talking about getting a better lifestyle than the one you're setting yourself up for. It may sound cheesy, but only to the ears of a person that doesn't want to break out of their downward spiral.

You know so much about your situation. In these posts, you just analyzed yourself and everything you're going through. You're a smart guy, all the smarter for having found this website. The fact that you're here means that you have hope, right?

But you say you're falling through a void. You say you've lost yourself. But you haven't, yet.

In life, you can't "find yourself", like you're taking a walk and you stumble upon a box that has your name on it and inside, a perfect happily-ever-after. You have to create yourself instead. And what you're doing now is destroying yourself, piece by piece. You go to a club - you destroy a piece of you. You wake up and think nobody cares - you destroy another piece.

And this is both good and bad. It's good because you can still become better, you can reverse the downward spiral. It's bad because you have to put in a lot of work in order to do it.

To use a quote, 'do every day the thing you want to make a habit of, and don't do what you'd hate to have as a habit.' Your life is like a million different habits, and you're ready to pick up some pretty bad ones. Don't do it, dude.

I would say that it's good you realize somebody cares... But then you're also saying that you are what you are. That you are choosing to be "nothing." I bet you can "un-choose" to be nothing as well.

It may be true that in life, shit happens. But it's up to us to make of it what we will. It's still our choice.

Once you've dug yourself into the black hole of "I don't care" it's difficult to get out. I've down that highway. I know. And my experience was that I've always felt deep inside that I AM worthy, I AM good. I've just isolated myself and let my demons take over. But I'm learning to take the wheel again.

So don't go there, Josh. That dark place you're heading to will only make it worse. Believe it. You can keep pretending on the outside, but inside, you have to try to get your life back.

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July 30th 2009, 09:27 PM

The main problem Iím struggling with though is Iíve been pretending to be a good person my whole life. I bottled everything and it blew up in my face. The thing is though Ė Iím not good person. When I was fifteen, I almost killed someone. Yeah, it was to save someone. But, fact of the matter was - I almost crossed that line and had to be held back. I took satisfaction in what I was going to do. Who does that? Who feels that? No, Iím my fatherís son and my father was a bastard. All of these instincts Iíve been ignoring, all of the pressure in my life, itís him Ė it always has been. Maybe this is who I was always meant to be. I hate it, but can you really choose who you are? Maybe you can fool yourself into thinking youíre normal and like everyone else, but at the end of the day Ė you know youíre not.

Iím not saying I necessarily want this life. Just, Iíve been ignoring and now that itís finally come to the surface it feels Ė right. It feels like itís where I belong, which is seriously fucked up when you think about it. The pull towards it is too strong to resist and more ideas keep coming into my mind, like wanting to see what itís like to sleep out on the streets Ė yeah, itís dangerous, but itís what I was born into. My adoptive parents have money, they tried to raise a normal healthy boyÖ but, in reality Iím still my fatherís disturbed ďstreet ratĒ son. These notions and instincts that have been haunting me in life, maybe ignoring them was worse. Maybe thatís who I am inside. Just someÖ animal. Living recklessly, without a care, and throwing my own life away to save someone else...

So, when you say better life? I donít know which one that is. Is it the one that tries to act normal and strong headed? Or is it the low life who mothers tell their daughters to stay away from because weíre dangerous? Right now, Iím getting a strong pull towards the second that I canít put into words or describe. I have no idea why that is. Iíve tried running away from it and putting these thoughts out of my mind, but they always come back and make me feel worse. I go further down the bad road, things start making sense Ė Iím not hollow anymore, I can feel Ė itís like being nothing is better than feeling dead. Thatís the thing, in my past Ė I only became what others thought of me, I molded myself into what they wanted out of fear of people leaving me. But, what I found out is they all fucking leave anyway Ė itís not permanent. Nothing lasts. So, why bother? Yeah, I was a better guy Ė but to me, I always felt like something was missing. With this, it doesnít feel that way.

I just, I really donít know anymore. I was safer pretending, but Iím starting to wonder how much of it was me and how much was just a protection mechanism. That barrier's gone. It got wiped out when everybody in one way or another left me this year. Without that, well the only thatís left is the alien side. The animal. Maybe itís my natural evolution. I donít like it, but I canít fight it. The harder I resist, the more pain I feel and I always go back to the downward spiral my life is heading in. The only thing I hope is that I donít become completely lost in the process. Itís a mix between rebellion and half-experimenting to try to find my true biological nature. I think itís the only way I can complete the ďatonement with the fatherĒ stage of my life, by living in his world and becoming his son.

I don't know if that will make sense to anyone, I can't completely understand myself - hell, I don't necessarily want it. But, it's like some unseen force is violently shoving me along the way. I can't escape. I can't stop. Trying hurts more. Basically this might have been something common place, but what complicates matters is extreme identity confusion due to being separated from my birth right. So, now, it's like - I have no idea what I need to deal with, just that this is the road it's taking me down.

I think I found a way out of it, rather than purely giving into the darkness and going all Anakin Skywalker (lost his mother), going to try to find a way to finally become the hero I was always meant to be. Don't know how I can find a way to do that, but I'll try anything - helping drive an ambulance, learning how to become a fireman, seeing if I can help the local police force. I give fully into the hero side, maybe that's whats missing.

My whole life, I only focused on my personal wants and not the higher calling I felt... maybe once I achieve that too, not saying things won't change in my life, I can finally overcome the sins of my father.

Not saying it's going to be that easy, there'll still be the darkness that I have to come to terms with. It'll probably fluctuate, but at least this way part of the reckless pull - such as drugs - will hopefully go by the way side, although would be replaced with alcohol at times.

Last edited by Lizzie; August 3rd 2009 at 08:28 PM. Reason: Merge double post
   
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Re: The darkest hour beckons - July 31st 2009, 07:53 AM

you know, you are who you want to be i'm doing a Dumbledore here.. but his quote is so true we're who want to be and no one can force us to be someone else.. so if you're more comfortable being like this (being yourself ) then thats you. Everyone who goes along the lane of childhood sometimes gets an identity crisis.. but eventually settles into who they're comfortable and happy with.

if you've no idea what you're trying to deal with..you can try thinking things out and sorting out your own feelings first.. that might help. and one note: true friends stick and never leave you have to trust, and believe. Every once upon a time , among all the normal people, a special person who cares and truly is nice and listens to everything and cares for your feelings deeply will come

and i believe you deserve that kind of friend. you WILL get it.. because everyone deserves to have someone like that.

just take some time , and think.. and then everything can be overcame and no matter what, always believe in yourself... whatever makes you truly happy and compassionate, do it.

and remember we all care for you, so much.


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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 2nd 2009, 07:39 AM

I retract what I said before, tonight I went out again and got hammered. Keep in mind I have low tolerance and get drunk easily, but I just wanted to keep drinking, sleep on the streets and fucking give up. I mean, what's there to fight for? Everything I used to hold back home has fallen apart. I'm falling apart day by day, I'm scared of who I'll become once I lose all connections in NYC. I guess I'm just too weak to end things, so I'm throwing my life away this way - I mean, everyone has fucking left anyways.

I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane, I'm more than some pretty face sitting beside a train. I wish that I could cry, fall upon my knees, find a way to lie about a home I'll never see. Don't be naive. Even heros have a right to bleed. I'm not crazy or anything. It's just not easy being me.

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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 2nd 2009, 08:00 AM

at least not here, no one's leaving.. we're gonna support you, alright. and in life, if you fall, you CAN get back up again.. and we're there to support you. you can simply make new friends and no matter what happens.. those REALLLY REALLY dear to you, probably will never leave. i still believe in that, (naive.. but sometimes naivety wins over practicality)

repeat: you are not alone... once you get through this, everything's going to get so much better


Those who have went through more pain than everyone else, and want to protect anyone and everyone they know and care for from that pain, are stronger than everyone.

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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 2nd 2009, 09:38 AM

Kinda hard to believe. Came down to LA for the summer, thought I would run away that way - turns out I did and didn't. I'm pretty much grounded to campus without a car, tend to keep to myself and have people watching over me. When I get back to college in NY, I'll be going into the city - alone (only have one friend there, he's broke) - no one to watch me, nothing holding me back. The last two times I managed to get out - this and last weekend, I've only wanted to keep on drinking. Right now, I'm still craving for another drink to make everything go away.

I was with someone who didn't have an ID tonight - I went into a bar alone to get a drink, I just couldn't wait anymore... he asked me to get it to go. The bar didn't give it to me that way, so I stayed. When I got out I saw a bus leaving and thought he was gone, but he was still there. This story isn't to show that someone waited, but I was so caught up in needing to get a drink that I ditched him for alcohol and made us miss the bus. Still can't believe he stayed, because I was acting like a jerk - although didn't mean to, just I had to get more.... I still need more right now....

So if that's any indication, once I'm back to NY with full freedom... I know that my life is going to start to fall apart and that I put alcohol ahead of my remaining friends already. What the fuck is wrong with me? I want to stop, but I just - I can't. It lets me break away from feeling for some time and I need that, I crave it. I'm starting to become addicted to it and if I had easy access, I would be.

It's not just drinking in the city, we're talking about drinking non-stop. Finding places to squat (I have this odd urge to sleep in the streets), going to raves, bars, strip clubs, drunken one night stands, if I can find it probably drugs, if I don't watch out - tattoos. You name it, I'll be doing it. When I get back to college, I'm seriously going to hit rock bottom. Talk about building a bad reputation for yourself...

I don't know why this is happening and why I'm doing this. Depression or rebellion against my father for having left me to die. But, when I'm not on alcohol, I usually start to feel like shit due to being depressed and easily agitated. That's why I began drinking again tonight, to escape.... When I'm on alcohol, although the problems don't necessarily go away - I just stop caring. Having trouble sleeping lately too. Can't talk to my parents, it hurts too much - I want to be as away from home as possible now; one clear sign of this is when I first got down called them every couple of days, now it's left incognito. Just, everything's becoming cold.

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; August 2nd 2009 at 10:05 AM.
   
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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 2nd 2009, 10:11 AM

i think that a better thing to do will be to try to stay away from alcohol and then try to concentrate on other stuff... like you know.. maybe movies. stuff, and music.. and maybe books or something. you'd be surprised how much reading makes a difference.

alcohol is just merely one way of distracting us from whats happening around us. whats important is that you use a way of distraction which doesnt detract your attention from your friends, and instead makes you closer to them. and that is a good feeling...

and feeling good certainly is nothing to stay away from i know the road ahead's rocky, but you've to presevere. you CAN do this. i know everything can change.


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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 2nd 2009, 10:22 AM

Used to too. That was before my cousin died, parents stopped seeing me as their son, aunt and uncle started getting a divorce, and two friends left me. I just, I find it seriously hard to be anywhere near as optimistic as I was before.

I'm sorry about how that may have come out. Alcohol talking, but I just - I tried turning things around, I just couldn't bring myself to do it and when the pain that strong comes, the only thing strong enough to battle it is alcohol.

I was at a show that served alcohol tonight before wandering around. The show and being with someone did nothing. Only the beer did.

I know you're trying to help, but I just - it's not that easy. I just don't want to be who I am or who I'm turning into. My remaining friends have tried to help, give me encouraging words too... but, I just, I can't bring myself to the level of being able to get help and break away from this. I am who I say I am - nothing... and find it hard to see it otherwise even with people telling me I'm not. I have to believe it to believe it and, I just can't anymore... I've been through too much... bottled too much in and this year really did the trick as the fucking trigger.

My whole life, my only fear was people finding out who I am inside and leaving me. It didn't even take that. Most fucking left anyways. Two friends now only, possibly a third - one back home, one on campus and one in Los Angeles... basically I only have one friend wherever I go. The once stable barrier between my consciousness and unconsciousness was shattered and I don't think I can build that fortress back up again.

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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 2nd 2009, 10:33 AM

you can. i understand that its just harder than last time

but the thing is .. no matter what happens.. you have a bright future ahead when you overcome it. you gotta remember that everything that happens will eventually end. so will this bad episode.

so what i'm asking you to do is try and do your best.. because i know that deep inside you do HAVE the ability to overcome it all. it sounds hard, and it probably is. but you have to remember that deep inside, everything can be overcome if you put yourself into it.

we're all going to be behind you. its not that easy, but its definitely not impossible.

manly hugs for the win. and you gotta remember that since you've been through a lot, the happiness that you receive once you finally overcome it all will be multiplied soooo much.. the world will totally turn around. i know you can get back up, overcome it all, and get the happiness you really deserve.

because i know you deserve it, so much. please do your best we all have confidence in you.


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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 3rd 2009, 08:04 AM

Got extra drunk tonight. Shots of tequilla, Martini, Budweiser. It makes me feel better.
   
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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 3rd 2009, 08:43 AM

i understand that you wanna use the alco as a mode to reduce all the feelings.. and ignore them. but it only makes it worse when they return..

so maybe you can tell us whenever you're having a bad day.. like maybe just telling it to someone over here.. or maybe go into the chatroom in the support and advice section. that way maybe you'll be able to let things out better. remember that we're all here to support you, no matter what


Those who have went through more pain than everyone else, and want to protect anyone and everyone they know and care for from that pain, are stronger than everyone.

we come, we help, we stick and never leave. pm me anytimeee!

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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 3rd 2009, 04:36 PM

Negative feelings? Yeah, there's a punch line with your entire family falling apart. Besides, it helps me be who I really am. It's not the alcohol as much as this is who I've always been, I'm just not afraid to run away from it anymore.
   
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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 4th 2009, 12:36 AM

but if you overcome it, stuff will become much better i know you can do it.


Those who have went through more pain than everyone else, and want to protect anyone and everyone they know and care for from that pain, are stronger than everyone.

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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 4th 2009, 01:41 AM

Overcome it to get to what? My family is falling apart, out of the little friends I did have two betrayed me... no, it's just - it's not worth it anymore. What's there to fight for? Everything in life leaves and deteriorates. It's not worth the stress of holding on, things are much easier now - just fall and let yourself glide. Held back by nothing, free.

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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 4th 2009, 03:33 AM

Hi Josh,

"What's there to fight for?"

You.

Who you want to be. And the person you are now who wants to become that.

The you who means something now. The you who despite whatever tendencies you may show to your father is ultimately way more than any former generation's precedent. The you who despite being betrayed by family and friends can and will still find people who won't betray you. Fight because they'll mean something to you. Fight because you'll mean something to them. Fight for the chance to find out who they are and who you'll be then.

I know how much it can hurt to be left. I grew up being left by friend after friend - even the ones I had stood up for. But instead of filling the vacuum with some quick-fix replacement that in the end only digs the hole deeper and so constantly needs more and more of it to fill the hole up, keep looking for the friends who won't leave. I managed to find some. Yeah, I still freak out that I'll somehow not be good enough or whatever and they'll forget about me or something, but what I worry about and what's actually happened aren't the same thing.

Wanting to feel free, to walk along some edge and disregard how far there is to fall below is okay. But things like drugs and alcohol, their addictions. They momentarily provide a sense of freedom while really only grasping tighter. They can become addictions. And addictions are chains, not wings.

Want to know what it's like to sleep on the streets? Go camping. Or work with those who have. Want to walk the edge? Try tight-rope walking or the trapeze. Want to jump just to feel the fly of the fall? Learn to sky dive.

So, those are only half-serious suggestions, but basically, to satisfy the need for personal or social adrenaline, try figuring out the "why" rather than going to a quick-fix "what" in order to find a productive rather than destructive way to get the same rush.

Hope that maybe helps some. You do seem like an extraordinary person, Josh, if for your awesome writing skills alone, and you deserve to care about yourself. We do.

Hang in there.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 4th 2009, 05:09 AM

Drunk again. three nights in a row.
   
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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 4th 2009, 05:14 AM

Hey Josh,

sorry that things still aren't going so well. Want to talk about anything?

And really, you're much too cool a person to lose to the wash-out of alcohol. I read your other posts, and sorry if you've already specifically mentioned this and I've forgotten, but what it is about alcohol that makes it seem like something to turn to? We'll find alternatives.

Hang in there.


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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 4th 2009, 05:17 AM

Alcohol's easy. I have nobody left. Two friends. My adoptive parents disowned me. My biological parents disowned me. My extended family's falling apart, mainly because of me. what kind of life is that? god, I just want a fucking way out. today was more down tredden than before because there wasnt a club to hang at. I'll have some in NYC though, there's lots there. I just, fuck - I have almost nothing left. I mean, yeah, friends and girlfriends leave - but, try parents... unconditional love? It's a myth, a fucking fairy tale. it doesnt exist.
   
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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 4th 2009, 05:33 AM

*hugs*

just because something's easy doesn't mean it's right.

In the sense of being right for you.

Whoever would disown you needs to have their sanity examined.

But hey, you have us, at least. I know that we can't really be there, but we will always be here for you. I know how much it hurts to be left by people, or effectively left by people because they see the role you fill and not really you - especially by those who were supposed to love us. I'm sorry that things are working out there. But that doesn't mean that they won't always work out. And maybe instead of looking for clubs, you could look for a way to meet more people at your campus? In things like sports or art or those sort of extracurriculars, in things that you like to do where you can be who you instead of forget who you are in the midst of deadening everything else.

I highly doubt that you are the reason your family's falling apart. They may point to you as an excuse, but that doesn't mean you were the actual reason. You're a perfectly valid and necessary member of your family. In fact, you're just perfectly valid and necessary in general.

Hang in there.


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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 4th 2009, 05:36 AM

Join a club or sports? without it I'm Mr. Mute. It helps me be active too. It helps everything at the moment.
   
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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 4th 2009, 05:39 AM

Then anyway to focus more on that and less on alcohol? I know that sometimes it can feel like even the things that do help aren't helping enough, but being persistent with them and not letting other more harmful things encroach really is effective eventually


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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 4th 2009, 05:45 AM

tried my whole life to open up and be like everyone else, only time I was able to fit in was under the influence. so it's either remain alone for my whole life due to an inability to make friends while sober or the night life scene. I really see no other way.
   
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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 4th 2009, 05:53 AM

What about you changes when you're not sober? Or do you know why you have difficulty making friends? Working on those areas of social skills might be a longer-lasting solution. And sometimes drinking, while it makes the person feel as if they're "fitting in," sometimes only blurs the fact that they're still standing out. I don't mean to sound critical or anything; I just have a father who started out when he was younger as a "social drinker" and now is an untreated alcoholic and sometimes abusive. I prefer to warn people before they get to that point.

And sometimes it's okay not to be like everyone else. A lot of times people actually admire those who are able to not just meld into indistinctness. And like I said, you're a pretty cool person, so you'd probably have the distinct thing going for you...


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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 4th 2009, 05:56 AM

I'm anything but cool. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm even the quiet one among the remaining friends I have. But, alcohol fixes that and alcohol helps me escape and "run away" from home. kill two birds in one stone, sounds like a fair trade off. Besides, still on training wheels - I'll figure out the most effective means while I'm in 'exile'

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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 4th 2009, 06:02 AM

Do you know why you're quiet? I'm typically the quiet one, too, but I've noticed that it's typically because of self-confidence issues and not being assertive enough to jump in and say something. So instead of just masking the "what" of being quiet I've tried to address the "why" behind it.

"Run away?" I understand wanting to get away from sucky home situations, and I've not handled mine so well before, but there are other ways to get away - like going for a walk, blasting music (stereo or headphones), even just ignoring things and getting lost in the plot of a movie or a book can be an escape.

I don't think it's a fair trade off. It may kill two birds with one stone, but is it worth it if your arm hurts afterwards? Or if the throw ends up killing the person who did it? Or hurts someone who was just passing by and gets caught in the crossfire?


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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 4th 2009, 06:09 AM

Yes to all those questions. Life is never fair, that's the one lesson I was ever taught. Self-esteem issues due to being rejected by my biological parents, well now rejected by basically everyone else around me... talk about knowing things will go wrong before they do. Run away, well, I go to college in long island - it's just a one hr. constant train ride. getting by in my secret identity as the past me, while living it up in the city. nothing better than that. just, learned, I can't drink alone - I get depressed that way. but, in a bar or club, that works leaps and bounds.
   
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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 4th 2009, 06:16 AM

Life isn't fair sometimes. And it completely sucks. But we don't necessarily have to deal with life's unfairness by in turn being unfair to ourselves and lying about how we really deserve to be treated, how we can at least treat ourselves even if other people don't. If you're finding yourself not fitting in, maybe just try a new community change - try hanging out with new people, try something new, a sport that you haven't done before or something, a new crowd that you haven't hung out with before but who seem like they might be more sensibly welcoming. You don't necessarily have to mask yourself with some false identity that alcohol invents for you. What is it that you like about that person? How can you try to be that person for real? Reinvent yourself. Shrug off the past and let yourself be, really be, someone new. And maybe instead of going out drinking, try going out for milkshakes? Coffee? Soda and pizza? There are other social situations that can help bring out the same "looseness" while letting you be real, too.


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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 4th 2009, 06:21 AM

The alcoholic me is free. I go by my birth right. I'm cool. I say whatever I want to say and do whatever I want to do. I live by my own rules and my own sense of conduct. Gone is whatever my adoptive parents programmed into me, all that's left are my natural instincts. I consider there to be two people living inside of me; the adoptive side and the birth side. The birth side only has what it takes to come out when I drink, thus making my unconscious my conscious. It doesn't care what other people think, it just does. Tonight was the only night it felt shitty and that's cause there was no bar and I was utterly alone drinking outside a 7-11. I know that's not the way now. Serge needs others around to be free. In NYC, I'll be unbreakable - then nothing can stop me.
   
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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 4th 2009, 06:26 AM

Since you can recognize what you like about yourself when you're around others and have been drinking, maybe try doing those same things, only minus the drinking? Yeah, it'll take practice, but if you keep trying when you see an opportunity, realize that it can be okay to step out of the box of the behavior that you're used to, then you'll be able to do it. It's never too late to become the person you wish to be. And you get to decide who that is. Not any set of parents you may have had. Maybe alcohol was like training wheels. But the longer you ride with them, the less you know how to balance on your own, and really the less free you are. Training wheels don't handle terrain as well as a bike does by itself. Wanna try taking off the training wheels?


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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 4th 2009, 06:33 AM

No, got it all wrong. the training wheels is the beginning stages of testing different environments while drunk. practice and error. now I know not to drink like that, alright - but, clubs and bars are more populated, especially in New York. Yeah, I become a lot more active and angrier (rather than sad, which drinking alone does to me I figure)... which is cool, alright an occasional fist fight and black and blue mark, no biggie. I'm the only one who cares and I don't care 'bout that. So now I know where and where not to drink, after a while, I'll be taking those wheels off and drinking with those who know what's up. All I have to look after now is me, no one watching over me, no expectations, no one holding me back - I think my biggest disappointment of the night and what got me so down before the beer, believe it or not was not finding a place populated with others drinking like a bar or club. Things just went downhill from there. Much cooler drinking with loud music and crowds gathered than a lonely street corner.
   
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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 4th 2009, 06:38 AM

Training wheels take practice, too. But I feel like relying on alcohol isn't the "graduated" version of who you could be.

I really don't mean to sound critical or anything. It's just that addictions of any kind get complicated, and with stuff like alcoholism fist fights can escalate really quickly into something that nobody ever meant to happen. I know I'm like a random person and whatnot, but I still would rather you not hurt in any way and instead find a way to really be happy, instead of just having to deal with a problem that's prolonged because there's a way to mask it.

Maybe try talking to those who know what's up? Or have you tried talking to someone like a counselor at all? Sometimes counselors can help point out ways of approaching things that we haven't thought of before.

Hang in there, Josh. Thinkin' of ya.


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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 4th 2009, 08:22 PM

I think I'm actually going to start heading down the right road. Found someone worth fighting for, somebody from my past who re-entered my life and means the world to me. She's my reason to go on, the reason that even though I still feel like a drink - I'm not going to. I'm going clean for her, so that maybe one day I can be with her. She means everything to me and is the only person in my life who has ever made me feel - human.
   
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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 5th 2009, 03:11 AM

Hey Josh,

I'm really glad that you're going to try heading down a road that's better for you. It's great that you've found someone to hang on for; I definitely understand people helping us to feel "human," like a person again.

Just don't forget that all by yourself, you're one, too.

Hang in there. Hope things keep looking up


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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 8th 2009, 06:47 AM

Well, kind of done - not going to turn to drugs now and going to refrain from becoming an alcoholic. But, still the rebellious "fuck you" alien. Going to the city over the weekends for the night life. My dorm room has a seriously techno/bad ass alien vibe. Still angry. Very angry. Still split-off. Don't care that much about laws still, those are for humans - regular people - I'm not regular, I'm anything but. I'm cut off from the world and that's definitely going to show through. I'm fully embracing my alien side.
   
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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 8th 2009, 08:21 AM

Actually neglect what I said before or keep part of it or I don't know. I'm going to start seeing someone for help though because every day has been really bleak so far... I haven't even been able to get a good nights sleep for a while because of everything going on.
   
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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 9th 2009, 04:35 AM

I also take back what I said about alcohol, I was feeling down and took one full swoop of my roommate's vodka - pure straight out of the bottle. About four shots worth. I just needed to numb the pain.
   
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Re: The darkest hour beckons - August 11th 2009, 04:16 AM

Hey Josh,

I'm sorry that things have still been so rough lately. But hang in there - things like changing directions are hardest when you first start. Slip-up's and relapses happen, but they don't have to be an end to trying. Just a momentary stumble. And the point isn't that we've tripped - it's that we've learned how to get back up afterwards.

Hang in there. I know you can do this.


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block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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