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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ladyninetyfour Offline
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Unhappy The only way I can put things right... - August 5th 2009, 07:39 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

... is by killing myself.

This is a long story really, so let me cut it short: I fxcked up my life immensely. I've hurt so many people, granted usually not intentionally, but I have.

Everything has always been my own fault. I screwed myself up. I'm the only one who can sort that out, and the only way I can, is by ending everything. There's too much damage to sort out. Too fxcking much. I'm not the most fxcked up, and I haven't had horrific things happen to me. I know a guy who's gone through some horrendous shxt compared to me.

It's like I feel like I need to die. I'm so consumed by self hate. I'm so consumed by my own whirlpool of depression. I'm not crying out for help, like I'm gonna commit suicide tonight... this is just how I feel. Someday I'm gonna do it... because it's the only way I can put things right. I've got people in Camhs 'helping' me... but I don't think I'll get better...

Is there anything I can do to somehow change this? Any way I can start over somewhere, somehow??

xoxox Bex xoxox


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You cannot destroy me!
xoxox PunkRoxS9 xoxox


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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: The only way I can put things right... - August 5th 2009, 08:04 PM

Hey Bex,

I am sorry to hear about how you are feeling. But honestly killing yourself is not the answer. I know things might feel so shit right now and all you want to do is give up but Bex things won't always be this bad. Things can change and you can be happy Right now you are probably thinking that it is impossible but it isn't and you will get there. The thing is you have to believe things can be different. If you tell yourself that you don't think you will get better then you are less likely to. So tell yourself you can get better. It is possible and you will get there.

You say you have hurt so many people but not intentially. That means that you didn't mean to hurt these people so why is it your fault? We all make mistakes and you just have to learn from these.

There might be lots of damage to sort out. But maybe take each thing seperately then it won't all seem so overwhelming. No one is ever too damaged to get better.

If you need anything at all then I am happy to listen Stay strong.
   
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Re: The only way I can put things right... - August 5th 2009, 09:08 PM

Hey Bex, Im really sorry your feeling like this

Everything is not your fault its not at all. People mess up and make mistakes. Ending your life is not going to fix anything. Once your gone your gone you cant go back and fix things and make it to wear you enjoy life.

The past is the past we can change it so we need to learn how to deal with it. Its aleardy happened theres no need to dwell on it.

You said you have people helping you but they can try to help you all you want but if you dont want to get better and change things its not going to happen. You have to get that mindset that you want to be happy and healthy and work at it. Things arent going to be completly better over night but that dosent mean that they wont get better. They will as long as you want them to.

So can you talk to these people that are trying to help you? I mean really talk to them. You have to let people in so that they can help you and I know that its hard and that it hurts but its for the best. ANd will help you out in the long run.

I hope you start to feeling better and you can Pm me anytime my inbox is always open.

Just because there are people out there thats gone through more then you have dosent mean that your any less important or that your problems dont matter. Your feeling this way it makes it important.


   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
ladyninetyfour Offline
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Re: The only way I can put things right... - August 5th 2009, 09:15 PM

I want to get better... I really do... but I've just got worse over the years and I've given up. I jsut don't see anymore how I'm gonna get better... I've just given up believing I'll ever get better.
xoxox Bex xoxox


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You cannot destroy me!
xoxox PunkRoxS9 xoxox


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Re: The only way I can put things right... - August 5th 2009, 10:07 PM

Sometimes things do get worse before they get better. But once they got so bad that they can't get any worse then things can only get better. If you want to get better then you can. There is no reason why you can't. You will get better; it might take time but you will get there so don't give up.
   
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Re: The only way I can put things right... - August 5th 2009, 10:42 PM

Jens right sometimes things do get worse before they get better. Once your down the only place from there is up try remembering that.


   
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Re: The only way I can put things right... - August 6th 2009, 12:05 PM

I know... I used to say that life is like a trampoline, you always bounce back up... I just don't believe in that anymore... I'm just so... lost.
xoxox Bex xoxox


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You cannot destroy me!
xoxox PunkRoxS9 xoxox


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Re: The only way I can put things right... - August 6th 2009, 12:11 PM

We all go through our periods in life where we feel life. You've just got to keep your head held high and be strong and you'll get through it.

Sometimes I find it good to just go sit in some relaxing quite spot and really think things over and that might make you feel better.

You really do deserve to be happy.


   
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Re: The only way I can put things right... - August 7th 2009, 04:09 AM

Hi Bex,

*hugs*

I understand how really-not-great it can feel when things are rough and you're not really certain what to do about it. I've found that sometimes it helps to take a deep breath and sit down and write a list or something of what's wrong, what's bothering you, and then right next to that write down another list of things you could do about it - even if it's just talking to someone to ask for their advice about what to do; there's the people at camhs, maybe a relative, even a neighbor, or a helpline (I personally like 1-800-442-HOPE).

And don't forget to take time just for you, too, to do something that'll make you happy - that could be reading a book, going outside, writing, whatever. But remember that you deserve to take the time to be good to yourself

Hang in there. Feel free to PM me anytime


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Re: The only way I can put things right... - August 7th 2009, 04:25 AM

Hey there,

I am so sorry you are feeling so low but please don't give up because things will get better; it might take some time for you to see a change but it will happen and you will be so grateful that you held on.

I am so glad you are getting help from people in camhs; I know how hard it can be to talk to people and what not but please continue using that resource. I was wondering if you could tell the people that you are working with at camhs how you are really feeling? It is definitely a difficult step to take but in the end people can only help you with the information that you give them so if you haven't told camhs everything you are feeling they cannot help you to the best of their ability.

I want you to know that you deserve to live and everything is not your fault. People make mistakes and that is okay the truth is that if the world was full of perfect people it would be quite boring and annoying.

Please hang in there and if you ever want to talk feel free to pm me.

~Jenna~


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Re: The only way I can put things right... - August 7th 2009, 07:38 PM

awwh bex hunni, u'll hurt more people by ending it all, then if u keep fighting, there are lots of people who care about you, i should no, im one of them! were all here for u hunni, remember i told u, day or night u can call me and i'll get up and talk 2 u, and help u as best i can
xxxxxxxxxxxx ly xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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Re: The only way I can put things right... - August 7th 2009, 11:08 PM

You'll only hurt people more by ending it, and then getting this far means nothing? I went through really bad depression for two years and I'm okay now, I'm so much better than I was, it's proof it does get better when there feels like theres no hope and nothing to hold on. Hang onto us, we'll all get you through it. I'm sure your not as bad as you say you are.
Pm me anytime


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Re: The only way I can put things right... - August 8th 2009, 06:16 PM

Try 'the work' of Byron katie on it - it's just 4 questions. She has a website and is on youtube too.

You said you have hurt loads of people.
I did something awful. I couldn't get over the guilt. I thought I was the worst person in the whole world. The amount of self hatred I felt was sickening. The thoughts of what I did flashed through my mind constantly, voices in my head told me I was the worst person, and I felt nauseos all the time. I felt there was no escape, but there is.

I did 'the work' - 4 questions you ask yourself and I realised, I HAD to do those awful things, I was believing insane thoughts at the time, and there is no time like the present to heal.

If you get the chance, watch Byron Katie's video's on youtube.
If it doesn't seem like something you want to do - then try some others things to help yourself - anything...
reiki, reflexology, read eckhart tolle's book, read the four agreements, go to a counsellor, your doctor, talk to one single person at all and get it off your chest.
if you get panic attacks, try the panicaway website.

I just want you to know that it's not your fault and I love you and forgive you for anything you ever did!
That might seem weird to say, but if you're thinking suicidal thoughts - I might as well say it!
   
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Re: The only way I can put things right... - August 10th 2009, 08:45 PM

Hey its alicia, your bezzie.
You can't give up. As soon as you give up you let all the bad guys win. You let all the people who screwed u up win. You can't do that. You've been a fighter ever since i met you bex. You know how people say 'You may have won the fight but you haven't won the war' , this is quite a good metaphor for your life. Your life is a battlefield. You have to win your war, for the end of self-hate and to stop yourself feeling so screwed up, by winning it fight by fight. You have to get over things one by one. You can't fo it all in one go! It's impossible. I know you want it all to end and i knwo you want it all to end now. But you and i both know it's gonna take time. I will be there all the time. I wil be there for you throughout it all. And don't think ill give up on you and dont think im gonna leave you alone once your better, thats never gonna happen. I love you bex. I say lylas (love you like a sister) but to me, you are my flesh and blood and i love you loads more than like a sister, but not in a lesbian way. Its like on the border of being a lesbian but not havin THOSE feeling for you lol. i do love you though so so so so so so so much. And if all that isnt enough for you to not kill yourself, then dont do it, for me, its my birthday soon, and i want you.. no.. NEED you there. And even if you wait until after that. I NEED you to survive myself. Helping you has made me stronger, and whenever your weak or do something silly like self harm or overdose, a little bit of me dies knowin your so weak and knowing one day you will leave me. Im not trying to make you feel guilty even though thts proabably what im doing... i just want you to be okay. ily
xxxxxxxx
alicia
   
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Re: The only way I can put things right... - August 12th 2009, 03:16 PM

................*silence*...........
*weak smile*
I love you too
.................*more silence*......
I'll try.
For you.
xoxox Bex xoxox


Where there's love, there's hope
You cannot destroy me!
xoxox PunkRoxS9 xoxox


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