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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Michelle Cullen
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Unhappy I just can't take this anymore [this is kind of long...] - August 8th 2009, 12:07 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Ever since I graduated high school last year (class of 2008), everything has been going downhill. Not like things didn't already pretty much suck before that too, but I had always had something to hold on to then - something to look forward to. I was gonna go to college, and lose weight, and make something of myself.

It's so hard to explain everything in my life, but basically, I went to a University last August in a different state. I had an amazing boyfriend who I had talked to on the phone after meeting him at orientation all summer, and was now going to the same college as me, and I had so many opportunities ahead of me.

Basically, long story short, I ended up missing a ton of my classes and doing terribly. My mom was tormenting me over the phone. I lost my virginity and ended up having to get an abortion after having sex for the FIRST TIME, and I feel like a murderer now. My mom flipped out on me about misbehaving and not going to class and blah blah blah, and wouldn't give me one more chance to go back for another semester.

She pulled me out, and I started going to community college. I had taken out all my stress on my boyfriend, so he broke up with me. I felt, and still do feel like my heart has been ripped out and that a part of me is missing. I still wear his class ring every day, but he refuses to even be my friend. He even blocked me on facebook. He hates me, and trust me, I'm not gonna get into all the details, but it IS all my fault, I'm not just saying that.

Well, even though I was depressed I lost like XXX pounds, and I was doing well in school, but then I punched my stepdad in the face cause I got scared and thought he was gonna punch me for cursing off my mom. I moved into an apartment which was paid for by my parents (cause of my dad's child support money he was giving to my mom), but I got mixed up with the wrong crowd.

Me, little, prude, straight edge me, got massively drunk and high and had sex with a random boy I had just met that day. I ended up falling for him, and in the end I really think it's just cause I missed my ex-boyfriend so much, I was trying so hard to get over him. I ended up not going to school, AGAIN, and getting involved with drugs, and alcohol, and gaining back all the weight I had lost as well. I was living at random friends houses and out of my car for about three weeks, and just getting drunk and high every day because I just couldn't deal with my life anymore. It's totally not like me, but I had no idea what to do anymore.

I ended up having to go home, because I let someone drive my car drunk, and we got pulled over, and I had a warrant for my arrest for missing a court date for a speeding ticket. I ended up spending two nights in jail, and it was terrifying. I haven't drank or done drugs since I'm home, and now I'm on Concerta (for ADHD) and Prozac (for depression and anxiety) and I'm also starting to see a therapist that specializes in people who have very strong emotions. Problem is, I'm living with my dad and his girlfriend now, because my mom refuses to let me live with her, and I hate it here.

I've always hated my life, and I have cut myself about twice before, but I've never seriously considered suicide before. I'm afraid of death, and I'm also afraid that, since I fail at everything else, I would probably fail at that too, and just end up paralyzed or in a coma, and then my life would suck even more. But, I've been much worse off lately, like, I just can't take it anymore. I've been seriously considering killing myself, and I just WANT to die so bad. I feel like I've got nothing left.

I'm heartbroken, and I miss my ex-boyfriend every day. And no, don't tell me it's going to get better, because it's been 8 months since he broke up with me, and it's only gotten WORSE. I have no friends anymore, since I found out they're all fake, and it's clear that my parents wish they had never even had me in the first place, and they've even TOLD me they don't want me around. It's so hard to even explain how horrible I feel, but I'm just so damn depressed, more so than normal, and I honestly just don't even feel like trying anymore, or giving it time. Like, I really truly feel like giving up. And at this point, I don't see anything I really have to live for anymore, because I just don't CARE anymore. And okay, maybe you'll say well, you do care if you're writing on here, asking for help, but that's not it. I just needed to get this all out somehow, to have someone listen to me, and maybe care even a little bit about me, because it really feels like no one cares anymore, and I KNOW I have no one I can go to.

So, thanks to anyone who actually bothered to read all of this. I only wish you could actually understand how absolutely awful I feel, but, there's no way I can put it into words. Basically, for anyone who has read Twilight, think about how Bella felt when Edward left her, and times that by like 100.

Last edited by Lizzie; August 8th 2009 at 03:51 AM. Reason: Please do not post weight numbers anywhere on the forum as it is against our ToS. Thank you. : )
   
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Re: I just can't take this anymore [this is kind of long...] - August 8th 2009, 04:17 AM

Hi Michelle,

*hugs*

I'm sorry that things have been so hard for you lately. But hang in there - for one thing, you're worth it, and I've found that even when things feel impossibly dead-end, they do actually end up changing, typically in ways that we jut weren't expecting.

I'm really sorry to hear about what happened with your boy friend. But I highly doubt it was all your fault. There are two people in a relationship, remember? And if you're still having issues with the abortion, something called Project Rachel might help.

A family friend once also got mixed up in drugs and drinking and things were really hard for him and his wife and kids for a while, but he decided that he was going to try to do something about it, and now he's a really good person for it. The things we don't like about ourselves don't have to be reasons not to like ourselves. And it sounds like you're already trying to deal with what went on, which is really great.

But please always care. You're worth caring about. Regardless of who else may or may not be in your life, you still always have you, and what you hope to do or where you hope to go or who you hope to become. All those things matter. And people will come into your life who'll care about you even more than your past boyfriend. And in the mean time, you at least have us

Hang in there.


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dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: I just can't take this anymore [this is kind of long...] - August 8th 2009, 06:07 AM

Hey Michelle,

I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this.

I think it is great that you are talking to a therapist about all of this and it can really help you just have to give it time. Therapy is a tricky thing and depending on what you are dealing with and how much information you give to your therapist it can take different amounts of time to show change. The thing is you have to try and stay positive and believe that you will feel better. Hope really does have a way of keeping people strong so please try to hang onto that.

I know it may seem like your parents don't care(they may say mean things) but in the end they would probably really upset if you weren't around. Sometimes parents get frustrated and hurt and they say things they don't mean(that doesn't make it right). Do you think that could be the case with your parents? Have you ever tried writing a letter or email to your parents and explaining some of the things that have happened and explaining the way you feel (leave out some of the things you would be uncomfortable with). Maybe if your parents understood some of the things that you are going through they would be better able to cope with the changes they are seeing in you? Talking really is a great tool.

Please hang in there and if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to pm me.

~Jenna~


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