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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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This is the end. - August 9th 2009, 01:14 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My world is caving in on me. I've lost nearly all of my friends because I'm depressed and cut myself. They all think I'm a freak. The only people that stick around are the ones who want sex because they know I'm easy. All I need is a couple of drinks and I turn into a complete whore.

My family don't care about me. All they ever do is take the piss out of me and have a go at me for stuff that I haven't even done. They act as if I do nothing, but since I was 13 I've had to do my own washing & ironing. I have to cook and clean and look after my younger brother whenever my mum feels like going out. I work 45 hours a week. How can my family call me lazy? They're so hypocritical. The only time they notice me is when I do something wrong. I can't talk to them about anything. And to top it all off, my older brother made me suck his dick when I was 9. Every time I see him I feel like I'm going to be sick. I can't even close my eyes without having to replay over and over again in my head. I'm so pathetic.

I tried to kill myself 2 months ago when my family were on holiday without me. They still don't know. My antidepressants aren't working. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and die. Whenever I have free time I just lie in my room. I can't face going out. I had 2 days off work last week because I couldn't face leaving my room and having to be aorund other people. This is all too much. I can't handle it anymore. Suicide is the only answer.After I've been to see my doctor on thursday I'm going to kill myself.
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 9th 2009, 01:48 PM

Hey Ella

It's okay to become overwhelmed by everything, life is tough like that but you can't quit just yet. I know that when things are a mess and everything is up in the air it can seem like suicide is the easy or only way out. I've been there plenty myself. You have to give yourself more time to think about all this.

You wouldn't be the first person to have crappy friends. You're friends should have stuck by you without judging you. It sucks that they didn't but there are so many other people out there that would stick by you, you need to meet them first. Unlike friends, when we have a bad family we can't just replace them. Lots of people don't get on with their families, but its okay because we all have our own life to live whether its getting out of the house more than you are in it, or even moving out to make your own path. You won't be stuck there forever.

You aren't just some whore, you need to try to respect yourself. Think about what you do like about yourself - and don't just give up and say nothing. If you're insecure about what you do when you drink, then don't drink. It seems like you probably crave some kind of closeness with people, and that may be why when you're drunk you turn to that. Unfortunately when guys first see a girl they aren't always exactly thinking "I want to get close to her and support her." It may be a good idea to try to gain some self respect, and make some friends before pursuing any kind of romantic closeness. Relationships take self respect.

It comes down to you what you end up doing with your life. You were dealt a bad hand with your family, but you can make life what you want it to be. Bad friends and family can't stop you if you hold your chin up high and keep going.

Take care,
Matt



   
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Re: This is the end. - August 9th 2009, 02:13 PM

have you talked to your doctor about your abuse? reporting your brother could be very liberating. There are always other options, but they arent always easy to see. you work 45 hours a week, do you have any money saved up? if so, ur 18 and could move out. That way you could distance yourself from your family and start over with new friends. You could get a new medication, or maybe talk to a therapist about these problems if ur not doing this already.


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Re: This is the end. - August 9th 2009, 02:31 PM

I can't tell anyone. It would mess things up even more. I can't speak about it. Every time I try I just have a panic attack. The words cannot come out of my mouth. I can't do it.

I have to pay so much rent that it's going to take me ages to get enough money to move out. If I get into uni, ill be moving out anyway though. I doubt I'll get into uni though. I missed one of my retakes because I was in hospital so they have to take the first grade I got, which is a fail, so I don't think I'll get the grades for uni.
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 11th 2009, 04:23 AM

Hey Ella,

*hugs*

*hugs again*

I understand vocal chords not being so cooperative. Maybe, instead of trying to verbally say what's going on, it might help to write down what you would want to say and have your doctor or someone read that.

And I know how daunting it can seem, telling someone. Yeah, in the beginning things might feel really unstable. But after a pretty short while, the initial hecticness subsides and things are finally being addressed and start to sort themselves out. The push at the beginning is worth the chance to start working on getting things better.

Hang in there, Ella. It'll be okay. Feel free to PM me anytime.


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and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 11th 2009, 06:00 PM

I'm so ridiculously stupid. I do this to myself. I can't stand the thought of being happy, so I just mess myself up even more. I purposefully isolate myself because I don't deserve to have company. I turn everyone against me. It's all my fault.

In the end I will be my own downfall.
It's already happening.
I wish I could change it, but it's too late.
All I can do now is wait to die.
Friday.
It will be a good day to die.
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 11th 2009, 07:20 PM

Hi Ella,

Don't loss Hope. I was with my inlaws last month and I could die living with them that's why I talked to my husband and we decide to move out and start a healthy living in a way that both of us been benefited.

I suggest you need to move out and have a space on your own to be able to start a new life and have peace of mind and talked to a therapist that totally helps.
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 11th 2009, 07:33 PM

I can't talk. Talking makes everything too real. I just want to forget. I need to forget.
If I get into uni, I should be moving out in just over a month, if not then I'm screwed. Since I was a kid my parents have drilled into me that uni is the only option and anyone who doesn't go to uni will just fail at everything. I need to get into uni, but because I tried to kill myself and missed an exam I don't think I'll be able to get in. I don't know what to do. I'm so scared.
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 11th 2009, 08:43 PM

Hi Ella,
I so wish I knew you personally so that I could try to help you right now.

I don't know how it works in the UK: isn't there some kind of pre-university option that will take anyone who applies? (It's called 'community college' here). [I've just looked it up on wikipedia and I think the UK might have something similar called a 'FE', 'Further Education'?]
You have options. Everyone has options.
You can do things other than what your family wants you to do; it sounds like it might be time for you to move on from them to whatever extent possible. If you go to a FE, or something similar, can't you earn marks there and then re-aply to uni?


Quote:
I'm so ridiculously stupid. I do this to myself. I can't stand the thought of being happy, so I just mess myself up even more. I purposefully isolate myself because I don't deserve to have company. I turn everyone against me. It's all my fault.
Ella, you said you're on anti-depressants: you know you have clinical depression. You must know that the way you're thinking is colored by the very real illness of depression. That isn't your fault. You might be thinking in black and white right now, but things are never actually that simple. It isn't your fault. And you can move on and find new friends who will recognize that getting depressed and cutting doesn't make you a "freak", as you said. It's also possible that they left because they didn't know how to help.

I really, really hope you feel better sometime soon. There's so much more to life, so many people beyond your family and ex-friends- people who you haven't met yet but who could be friends for you. The only way to find out is to stay, and not give up.

---
If Friday comes and you still feel the urge to do it, please come on TH and let someone talk you down from it. There will always be someone here who you can talk to.
Please feel better, Ella. *hug*


"He not busy being born is busy dying."
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 11th 2009, 08:53 PM

everything I do is wrong. I will never be good enough
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 12th 2009, 04:58 AM

Hey Ella,

of course you're good enough. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Because if they do, they're just straight out wrong.

Uni is not the only route to a successful and happy life. I promise. And uni is not a measure of anyone's personal worth. Not by a long shot. If you don't get in this time, is there any way you could just reapply? And not getting in just means that you get to explore your options, anyway. It's the presentation of a gagillion new starts, not the end to the only one.

How you're feeling isn't your fault, either. Sometimes, I've almost been afraid of being happy, too. It's like when there's so much not going right, if I'm happy, then there's something wrong. But that's not true. But not being happy all the time is - well, not "okay," but not "wrong." It completely sucks that you're feeling down, but that isn't your fault. It's not something you've dragged yourself into or are making yourself feel or just not letting yourself shake off. It's a lot more complicated than that. You should be really proud of yourself for making it this far while dealing with feeling that. And please keep going - because you won't always have to deal with feeling this way. Making it out and making it through can be the same thing. And I know that you can make it through.

Hang in there, Ella. Feel free to PM me anytime.


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and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 12th 2009, 07:10 AM

I can't keep going. I've been like this for so long. I want out.
I can't even look in the mirror without crying. I hate myself so much. I look in the mirror and want to smash my face into a brick wall until I'm completely unrecognisable. I've pushed everyone away. I want to destroy myself. Everything is wrong. And it's all my fault. I cause so much shit for other people. I don't deserve to live. I don't deserve to be happy.
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 12th 2009, 07:15 AM

*hugs*

sweetie, what's going on isn't your fault. Not at all. From what I can tell, you're the one who's been putting up with how other people have been treating you. And it's not your fault that they treat you that way, either.

So, what's going wrong right now? We'll try to sort things out. Suicide isn't an option. Hun, I understand what it's like to feel that way. It hurts. A lot. But feeling that way isn't your fault, and there's a way to get through this without getting "out." There's a way to solve things without ending everything.

Hang in there, sweetie. Feel free to PM me anytime.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 12th 2009, 02:55 PM

hey there ella,
there is alot going on in your life right now but even though you
have problems things will get better. destroying yourself isnt an
option. you do deserve to be happy and have a chance at an amazing life.
not everything you do can be wrong, it might seem like it but that isnt the truth.


just because your parents inpressed upon you that uni is the only thing that matters, dont believe that. do what you want to do with your life and do what make you happy. your parents cant and arent living your life.


whatever you do dont give up, there is something more for you out there.
you just have to find it.

hang in there!
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Re: This is the end. - August 12th 2009, 07:46 PM

Everyone at work hates me. It's so horrible there. They all talk about me behind my back. I'm going to hand my notice in next week. Even if I don't get into uni, I can't stay there. I can't stay here. I need to get out of this place. If I don't go to uni, I think I'll move to scotland. There's too many memories here. I need a clean slate. I need to get away from here.
I just want to run away from everything. I know I'll still have the same feelings if I move away, but I just need to get out.
I don't deserve to be happy. I just know I need to get away from this place
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 12th 2009, 09:26 PM

why dont you take a vacation for a few weeks just to get away from everything?
if you dont get into uni, it isnt a big deal, do something else that YOU are passionate about. if you want to move and start over and do something for yourself do it.
you DO deserve to be happy.

the one thing you cant do is run away from emotions or memories, you have to face them in order to get over them. you should talk to a therapist and discuss these issues so you can move on and be self improved.

you can do this!!
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Re: This is the end. - August 12th 2009, 09:58 PM

I need to get out. I can't stand this place. No matter where I go or what I do I will never be happy. I can't stand it anymore. I'm so tired of trying. I just can't do it anymore
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 12th 2009, 10:17 PM

Quote:
I just want to run away from everything. I know I'll still have the same feelings if I move away, but I just need to get out.
Ellla, you can. There are ways to get away from all of it without... ending it... you mentioned moving to Scotland. Why not?!?!?! Yes, some of your feelings and problems will follow you there. But with hard work (not tooo hard, but hard) you can start a new and better life. You're at the perfect age for this, really. You can leave your family, the people at work, all of that behind. Move to Scotland. Or just elsewhere in England. Get a different job, with new people. You can make a pretty clean break from your past life without destroying your chances of a future.

You so deserve to have a future. Please give yourself a chance, Ella. You can get through this: lots of people right here on TH have had similar feelings and experiences and have got through it.


"He not busy being born is busy dying."
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 13th 2009, 05:01 AM

Hey Ella,

hope you're okay, sweetie. I definitely agree with what Beth has said. I understand needing to get away from a place - and you deserve to get the chance to move away from a situation that isn't good for you. Are there any relatives or friends elsewhere you could look into staying with? Or any sort of exchange program?

Hang in there, Ella. There is a way to start over, rather than just ending what's going on. You get to grow while free of past hurt. You get to let go of how things were before while still holding on to you.

Feel free to PM me anytime. I'll be thinkin' of ya.


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and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 13th 2009, 06:43 PM

i went to my doctor today. She changed my anti-depressants. She wants to refer me to a psychiatrist. She says I'm vulnerable. I told her I wasn't thinking about suicide. I lie too much. I don't want to try anymore. I just want to die.
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 14th 2009, 06:18 AM

Hi Ella,

telling people that you've been thinking about suicide can be scary. I was really evasive with my counselor, too. But you're allowed to go back and tell her what's really going on - it's okay. Or, you can just take the chance to tell the psychiatrist. You could maybe try writing down how you've been feeling, too, and have your doctor/psychiatrist read that, so you don't have to worry about saying what you really need to.

Please hang in there, Ella. I know that sometimes we can just feel so tired, so done - but you're worth trying for. And when you ask for help, then trying gets easier. I know that you can get through this.

Hang in there. Feel free to PM me anytime.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 14th 2009, 02:52 PM

It's too late. I have to die
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 15th 2009, 10:15 PM

*Hugs* *Hugs again*

Ella, you don't have to give up. There is hope and you will eventually pull yourself through all of this. It may seem the end now but there is analways light at the end of the tunnel and it hasn't been turned off for you yet. THERE IS HOPE. Just hang in there and try to talk to your doctor. Suicidal thoughts will go away sooner or later. Just don't give up hope and always feel free to PM me.

Keep holding on and don't lose your battle yet
Saria


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Re: This is the end. - August 16th 2009, 06:47 AM

Ella,

Something inside of you is keeping you alive. If you truly wanted to die, you'd be dead now. Sure, you probably do want to die, but the reason you are alive right now is because something is keeping you here. What is it that is keeping you here? Is that worth staying for?

Though you've tried in the past to kill yourself, it didn't work. Some force whether it be another person or just your incapability to do it kept you here. There has to be a reason. Every person has their purpose. You are young yet, and this is only one chapter of your life. We all have our dark chapters, but killing yourself is never a proper ending.

When you are on your own in the world, you have a chance to reinvent yourself. If you can't do it now, then wait for it. I know waiting is hurting you from what you've mentioned, but if you're still here, why not wait? What more could you possibly lose? If you have nothing to lose, then whats stopping you from still going? If you have something to lose, then embrace it and don't let it go. If you can't get into university, keep trying.

You act as if you are worthless, and that you really want to die, yet I refuse to believe that entirely. Some part of you is still linked to this world, and there is a reason for it. Ask yourself what that reason is. Ask if there are any reasons worth staying, such as a future... because if you end it now, you'll never know.

I apologize if I have gone over previous posts, I only read your first post and one other shorter one.

I hope you find what you need.
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 16th 2009, 10:02 PM

I just got out of hospital. I overdosed on friday. I still feel like shit and I still want to die.
I've been referred to the community psychiatric team. Maybe they can help.
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 17th 2009, 01:17 AM

Hi Ella,

I'm glad that you're still here. I'm so sorry that you're hurting so much. But I promise, things will get better - you're right, the community psychiatric team is a chance to find something that will help.

Hope everything works out.

Hang in there. Feel free to PM me anytime.


Drown in the music,
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and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 17th 2009, 08:22 PM

The sommunty mental health team sent me a letter this morning and left a message on our answerphone. My mum just asked me why. I don't know what to say. I can't tell her the real reason. I don't know what to do. I can't think of a reasonable excuse. shit. what do i do?
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 18th 2009, 03:30 AM

Hi Ella,

take a deep breath, hun. Telling the complete truth might not turn out as scarily as expected, but could you try a sort of vague answer, like they're just helping you find information on something, or answering a question, or helping you with advice on something?


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and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: This is the end. - August 21st 2009, 02:17 PM

I'm glad to see that you're looking for an answer for help. Good luck, and try to focus on a more pleasurable future and not the current pain you're in. I'm aware its easier said than done, but at least keep a clear head.
   
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