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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
haleyad1 Offline
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So sick. - August 11th 2009, 02:46 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm really sick of trying to live life.

Every day I curl up into a ball on my floor and just cry. Life sucks so bad. I hate being sober/clean and I hate not cutting. I miss being able to push back all my feelings. I wish the drugs had killed me. Anything would be better than this. Nobody wants me. All I think about now is wishing that I had OD-ed back when I was still doing drugs. Now that I have "control" over my situation I don't have an excuse to feel bad. I miss being able to lean against my so-called friends when I needed someone to help me out. Now I can't trust any of them and I don't know who to turn to. Ideas keep popping into my head on how to kill myself. I could cut my wrists all the way and finish the job I started when I first started cutting. I could swollow those pills sitting in my bathroom. I could go run out into traffic. I'm so scared that eventually I'm going to give into temptation. I... feel like I'm suffocating.

"This is your time to weep, This is your time to mourn, Not yet time to build up, Just a time to tear down old walls." -Between the Trees

"And I'll never second guess all the things that I have done. I've got too much to say, and too much to become." - Alex Gaskarth

Stop The Bleeding
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Love Is The Movement
~To Write Love On Her Arms~
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dancer Offline
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Re: So sick. - August 11th 2009, 04:01 AM

Hi Haley,

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a rough time right now. But please don't hurt yourself. It's incredibly amazing that you've stopped doing drugs and cutting. Really, really amazing. I understand wanting to just numb feelings, to block out whatever with something else, but there are ways of sort of doing that which in the long run end up being way healthier, and let you function. Sometimes, I'll blare music and just let my emotions ride on that for a little while.

And just because things might be "under control" doesn't mean that you have to be happy all the time. It's still valid, feeling down sometimes. Even for no apparent reason. Incredibly unfair bad days like that happen. Though if they seem to keep happening and not let up, is there someone like a doctor or a counselor you could talk to? They'd probably have some suggestions on how to puncture any frustratingly persistent grey clouds in life.

And your friends, it's okay to still talk to them, too. Like I said, even if it's just for a day or so, it's okay to not be okay. You can still talk to your friends about what's going on, especially if you think it'll help you. People in general don't have to through dealing with life alone.

Hang in there, Haley. Feel free to PM me anytime.

Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
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Re: So sick. - August 13th 2009, 11:59 PM

I agree with the last person here. You are in a really bad spot in life and are trying everything to numb the pain. As for crying, I think that's OK... even if it's everyday. It's better to release the feeling than to let it bottle inside and explode one day. If you're a loud cryer, try crying into a pillow. The same thing with feeling sad and bad. There's nothing wrong with that... it shows you are human and not some monster.

As for the friends, it's a shame that they turned on you in ways that you can't trust them now. If something comes up and you have no new friends or a good family, there's always here at TeenHelp to go to and vent the pain to. Or, you could be like me and try to help others to distract my mind. At the same thime, I make myself feel better by seeing examples of how people made it through alive.

It's an excellent thing that you're trying to fight the urge to kill yourself. I strongly believe you can make it out this alive and stronger than ever. I wish you the best of luck.
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Re: So sick. - August 14th 2009, 04:49 AM

Hey Haley,

I am so sorry you are feeling so low but please know you can make it through this. And, just because you are not doing drugs oor cutting does not mean that you can't feel depressed. You know, cutting and drugs are coping mechanisms, things people use to deal with things like sadness. The fact that you are not cutting or doing drugs and you are still dealing with this proves to me that you are an incredibly strong person.

Please don't think that suicide is an option because it really isn't. The rough spot you are in can get better you just have to give it time.

I was wondering if you have ever considered talking to a therapist about all of this? I know it might be scary but in the end it can really help. It helps a great deal to have someone to talk to on a more regular basis and a therapist usually has tools to help people cope better with the sad emotions that are rolling around inside. Do you think you could give it a try?

Haley, I am so glad that you are trying to fight the urge to kill yourself and I believe that you can make it through this fight. If you ever need anything feel free to pm me.


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Re: So sick. - August 14th 2009, 11:40 AM

Hi there Haley,

I'm truly sorry that you're feeling so bad right now, it sounds like you're having such a hard time and you don't deseve that.

I know that self-harm and being sober/clean may be tempting right now or that you may have memories of those things giving you some form of relief, but that is because you're feeling bad and you used to use those things as coping methods- it's natural to want to go back to things, but you don't have to, Haley. There are reasons as to why you became sober/clean and stopped your self harm and you should feel proud of yourself for showing that strength and control. You should be so proud of yourself and give yourself a pat on the back - reflect on that achievement.
I am wondering what has helped you most with giving these these things up? Perhaps now is time to use some safe alternatives and do safe things that you enjoy doing to try and distract yourself. When you're suffering from suicidal thoughts then it is important to try and fight against them, which I know you can do, and to distract yourself.

Have you identified what is making you feel this way? What is making you want to push back all of your feelings, Haley? I think that it's important to address that. Talking to someone or writing your thoughts down may be of some help if you're finding it difficult to identify things. Haley, I can not express how important that it is for you to talk to someone when you are feeling suicidal. I and many others do not want you to come to any harm and therefore I'd like you to try and talk to someone whether it is someone you know as a friend, relative, medical professional or a hotline. I feel as though that could realy benefit you, there are people who would like to help and support you.

You can get through this, Haley, I know you can.
Take care.
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Re: So sick. - August 15th 2009, 12:42 AM

hey my name is yesi i read ur blog just wanted to say not to feel like that suicide is never the answer i use to have thoughts like that now i know that by me doing that i can cause my family so much pain if u need to talk just email me at lababymaria@yahoo.com i know u dont know me but i can be very understanding
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