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Larrinda Offline
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Post I am actually scared?! - September 13th 2009, 07:37 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of death or grieving, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Yesterday I posted something that I wrote for my grandmother. It made me feel alot better getting it all out and putting it on here.

But my problem is that I am still indenial. I wanna believe that when I go home from this boarding school she will be there. Like I almost feel crazy because I can sit here and say it and think it but its still unreal to me.

My teachers say that it may not hit me until after high school but I just wanna get it all out. I dont wanna feel this way forever. I feel like noone understands how must she ment to me. She was all I had and now my family only helps me because they have to.

If I could have just had a few minutes of a two way conversation with her before she died Id be happy. I just didnt get to say goodbye. I honestly never thought about her dying I was hoping that she would live forever. I mean when I thought out my life I aways included her. I wasnt ready to let her go.

I am going to keep posting things about her and see if it helps me feel better.
Feel free to comment on them. It helps me as well.

Thanks,.
Larrinda
   
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Re: I am actually scared?! - September 14th 2009, 03:55 AM

you've suffered a really terrible loss.

however, the thing is you have to remember that your grandmother will never, ever truly leave you. this is because whatever memories that you both have share together, will never be gone. This is because they're so precious , and you should be proud that in a way, you've touched your grandmother's life in a way no one else ever will.

and just so you know, she has never truly left you.her heart is together with yours because when you really care for someone the way you care for her, the bond is never be broken .

no matter what , just remember that if you feel like talking to someone, we're always up for listening .

caring always.


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Re: I am actually scared?! - September 14th 2009, 11:34 PM

Keeping her alive in your heart and posting about her and talking about her is good. It will help you realize all the amazing memories you share with her and how important she was - and still is - in shaping who you are. I lost my grandmother back in July and it's been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. She was my best friend and I feel like there is so much "unfinished business". I didn't really know her all that well or take the time to ask her about her life before I knew her. And I DID have a chance to say goodbye. I was right there with her, holding her hand when she passed away. But it wasn't enough - nothing is ever going to feel like enough when you lose someone close to you. But I have so many memories that sometimes it doesn't feel like she's gone at all. And I often dream about her, which seems to help settle my mind and my heart.

Denial is a totally normal reaction, as is anger and depression and just a feeling of hopelessness or regret that you didn't say enough or do enough for her. It takes a long time for those feelings to fade and for good memories and acceptance to take their place, but it will happen eventually so just let it take its course.

Don't feel like you should try to "move on" or forget about her because she's not around anymore. The impact she made in your life is permanent and the love you shared will last forever, and it's something that no one except you can ever fully appreciate, so hold it close and do whatever you feel like you need to, and don't worry what other people think or feel about it.


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Re: I am actually scared?! - September 15th 2009, 12:45 AM

I just have a hard time because there are days when it hits me and my whole world seems like its shutting down and after a while there I am back in denial.
This whole thing hurts so bad. She is the first person close to me to ever die so its all very hard and very new to me.
   
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Re: I am actually scared?! - September 15th 2009, 12:58 AM

I know how much it hurts to lose someone close to you. Try to focus on all of the good times that you have had with her instead of the fact she is gone.
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Re: I am actually scared?! - September 15th 2009, 07:02 AM

i understand that its a lot to handle.. but think about it, she'll have wanted you to smile. remember, you've every right to live to the fullest your grandmother, too wants you too. so no matter what happens, you gotta stand strong, alright.

anytime you feel like talking to anyone, remember we're all here .


Those who have went through more pain than everyone else, and want to protect anyone and everyone they know and care for from that pain, are stronger than everyone.

we come, we help, we stick and never leave. pm me anytimeee!

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Re: I am actually scared?! - September 15th 2009, 07:10 PM

You posted about her. Thats good
She will never really leave you lol smilies
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