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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
MeggieMoo1995 Offline
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Tired - September 23rd 2009, 09:41 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

It's been a long time since I've posted here. It's cause my parents knew the password to my account and they checked my posts and such. But you know what, I honestly don't care if they see what I have to say anymore. I put this as triggering just in case it might be, because I'm not really sure what's going to come out this time.

I've been depressed for a long time. I've never been diagnosed, but my mom and dad took me to a psychologist back in June, supposedly to support my mom. Who, by the way, had just found out that her oldest child (me) was a failure and had been bullied every single day since October, and had been cutting for a few weeks in May before breaking down and telling a teacher.

So obviously I lasted through the end of eighth grade since I'm still here. Summer was great. I didn't have to worry about being tormented and teased and talked about behind my back. All I had to worry about really, was how high of an SPF I needed in my sunscreen in order to avoid looking like a lobster the following day.

But now school's back, and I'm in Grade 9. My first year of high school. The first two weeks were great, at least, that's what an outsider would think. The first week was just getting used to classes and such, and the second week was Rookie week, when the grads and grade 9s paired up and did tons of fun activities. Anyways.

Since school started, the thoughts and worries have started to creep back in. I tried to push them back, but it doesn't work. So the memories of being bullied haunt me all day long. At school with my friends, I can manage to fake a smile for as long as needed. But you have to realize it gets tiring, pretending to be something you're not.

Now, walking through the halls, I feel like a zombie. I have no feelings, and it's like I have no friends, considering whenever we're in our little group at lunch or in the mornings before homeroom, no one talks to me, and I'm pretty much shunned. I try and talk to one of them, and they turn their backs and talk to someone else, even if they weren't talking before. It's frustrating.

I can't figure out what I've done to them. I know I could always go up and ask, but the memories of being bullied come up to the surface every time I get the courage to ask them. So I'm stuck being silent. It's not like I say that much anyways.

I don't know what my point in this was. Maybe it's that things are getting bad again, and the urges are starting to come back with my friends not talking to me, and I want some help this time before I get to the point of thinking about suicide.

I don't know. It just hurts to think, and be with people, because I'm always scared and insecure, and I can barely say anything. The only person I can really talk to in the real world, I'm almost sure doesn't want to talk to me. Same as everyone else...
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
KoKoEm Offline
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Re: Tired - September 23rd 2009, 10:03 PM

Megan,
I'm sorry you've started feeling this way. I know it's hard (you've pretty much described almost everything I've been through ) and I hope you understand that you can get through it.
Is there anything that you're planning on getting into in high school or are in? A sport, theater (that's a lot of fun here), band or anything else? That can really help a lot if you get into something you really like.
Is there maybe a teacher that you already feel like you can trust? I know it's early in the year, but if you find one you think you can trust, you can hopefully prevent cutting again.
I hope you're all right, if you ever need anything you can PM me. Or if you have AIM, Yahoo! IM, or MSN IM then you can PM me and ask for my IM screenname for whichever, or look on my profile. (Actually, I think it has it over to the side under my screenname and buddy icon/avatar and stuff. =] )
Em


This is how it ends
We believe every lie & say we'll still be friends
How long will it last
Before we scratch all the scripts & rework the casts
*Hourglass by the Hush Sound*


PM me =]

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
MeggieMoo1995 Offline
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Re: Tired - September 23rd 2009, 10:42 PM

I don't know... I just... I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't want to. I just want to be me again. And this person with the fake smiles and blank stares while walking through the halls isn't me. I've been wearing a mask for so long, I don't even know if there's a face left underneath it.
   
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Re: Tired - September 23rd 2009, 10:57 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeggieMoo1995 View Post
I've been wearing a mask for so long, I don't even know if there's a face left underneath it.
Aww, that's a really emotional quote right there...did you make it up? Just by reading that line, something in my mind clicked and I know you have a voice!

I know exactly how you feel. I felt like I an emotionless robot during school, but when summer came around, I felt happier than I really had in a long time, and I could express myself freely without fear. None of my classmates were around, so there was nobody to bully me. (there is now, though...)

You? I don't think you've given anyone the chance to know you just yet. If your friends make you feel inferior, move away from them and find better people. It's only been the first month of your freshman year, and I'm sure there's plenty of people in your school that still feel uncomfortable. Right now, you feel like just a number, but the good news is this: you have a clean slate, and since not many people know you, they can't say anything bad about you! They don't know you were bullied in 8th grade, or how your life in middle school was.

Actually, the only ones that do know who you are are your friends, and they aren't treating you right...I wouldn't trust them. Because I trusted a close friend in 9th grade, too, and she told people all around the school stuff about me. I got death threats in just the first week of school

But that's just my luck. Try changing up your routine, like taking a shower before you go to school to clear your head. Wear your favorite shirt, especially one that's loud and colorful! That's what I would do, if I didn't have to wear a uniform!
   
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Re: Tired - September 24th 2009, 07:36 PM

High school wasnt exactly a strong suit of mine either. The friends I did have didnt go to my school, any of them that I went to. I went from school to school to school. When I was 13, I was hospitalized for being a ddanger to myself and to others. I was in suclusion, strapped to the bed with guards in my room...at 13 years old. There is so much in my life I couldve done differently. I wasnt bullied in school, but I made bad choices which made me have to watch my back when just walking down the street.

You're 14 years old. Could you maybe switch schools? Maybe try home schooling? What about getting into some type of martial art or gymnastics? The more confidence you have, the better you'll feel and succeed in life. I know some people dont really have a reason for their depression, I understand your reason. I cant say I know how to help you, but maybe I can give you some pointers. One, dont be shy. When someone looks at you as they walk by or even while they're sitting, smile at them. If someone smiles at you, say hi and smile back. If there are other girls calling you down, ignore it. As hard as it may be, do your best to block it out. Those girls are at every school in every country. Those are the girls I had to deal with. They're also the girls who now around 24 years old, dont have anything to show for themselves.
I also see that you're in Canada, can I ask what province? Im in BC.


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