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ladyninetyfour Offline
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Name: Bex
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Location: Spalding, England

Posts: 427
Blog Entries: 7
Join Date: July 17th 2009

Unhappy I can't do this anymore. - September 30th 2009, 07:36 PM

I can't keep pretending I'm okay. There was me, foolish me... I stopped starving myself and then binging and then throwing up (with help) in January, thinking "I'm gonna get better." I finally started seeing someone at CAMHS in June, thinking "I'm gonna get better". I stopped self harming in August, thinking "I'm gonna get better." But it's all pointless.
I'll never get better. I'll always be little fxcked up me. I thought I had a family once upon a time, but really we're a bit dysfunctional. I thought I had friends once too, but I walk through school and town, and I'm just so lonely. I thought I'd found love, but he hates me.
It's all for nothing. I'm trying for nothing.
I'm incredibly lonely. I have no social skills. I hurt people, even though I don't intend to most of the time. I rant, I scream, I cry. I turn everything inwards. And sometimes, though I hardly ever admit it, it isn't just myself I want to kill. Sometimes I want to take a gun, or a knife and hurt the people that have hurt me.
I'm not normal at all. Okay, the things I've written don't make me seem to crazy, except for the hurting people bit. But if you spent a day with me, you might understand.
I'll never get better. And I'm only trying anyway for a guy that hates me. I'm only trying so he might one day take me back. Which is pathetic in its own right.
I'm just giving up. Again. I don't want to be here. But I haven't got the strength to kill myself. I tried it in June, but I went to hospital. Now my parents, my friends, my school they all keep a close eye on me. Well my family is starting to not care again...
I'm a horrible person. I'm pathetic, fat, selfish, ugly, mean person. All I do is hurt people.
I'm trying for nothing. I think I'm gonna just quit CAMHS and everything I'm doing. I'm already slipping back into starving and binging etc. I'm already losing it in front of people and screaming, crying, hitting things etc. I just feel like the world is crashing down on top of me and fall back in a spiral, and my chest is being crushed. And I don't know how to climb out of the rubble and start breathing again. Hell, I don't even know how to FEEL half the time. I'm a mass of emptiness, or I'm a mass of pain.

Help. X .

Where there's love, there's hope
You cannot destroy me!
xoxox PunkRoxS9 xoxox

Last SH: 03/08/09
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