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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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alonealways Offline
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Why does it always rain the hardest on people who deserve the sun? - October 6th 2009, 01:48 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've been good about this, I really have. I haven't had such a hard time lately. But things are slowly starting to crash again. I'm stressed out and I don't have time to think. I made promises I couldn't keep (like never self harming again) and it only made everything 10 times worse.

I've always gone to my friend with my problems and he's always been very understanding and able to help out at least a little bit. But today... well I don't know it's different. I told him I was giving up on the pact to never self harm again because it was ridiculous and was never going to work. All he said was "Thank you for letting me know". I told him "Wow.... yw?" His reply? "Yw?" I said "It means you're welcome." and he said "Oh okay." End of conversation. I don't know if he realizes I'm completely on the verge of killing myself. I know where all the pills and things are located and it wouldn't look suspicious because I have a cold right now and I'm about due for some more meds anyway. How would my dad know I'm grabbing the wrong ones especially when he doesn't even know I'm depressed in the first place??

Nobody would care if I'm gone, let's face it. Nobody noticed I was out of school today until I texted them asking what the homework was. I got a lot of replies like, "Oh you were gone?" .... I sit right behind them.

If I were gone, it wouldn't matter. I'm seriously considering finally just going for it. I've always threatened it .. but nope. Nope this time.. I'm ready. I know what pills I'd have to take, I even have some extra asthma medication I could OD on. I have everything I need right here. And I'm not moving it.

..The thing I'm battling with here is that I feel like I have two minds. One saying "you know you want to live life to the fullest, you have to. You know you really really want to." and one saying "Nope. Screw it. Bye bye world." . Today the negative mind set is over powering... I'm scared because I don't want it to be like this yet it's all I can possibly think right now. What's going on with me?? Why can't I be happy like everybody else seems to be..



   
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Re: Why does it always rain the hardest on people who deserve the sun? - October 6th 2009, 05:23 AM

Hey there,

I want you to know that you are important and that is a reason to keep holding on. I know that life can be hard but things will turn around just keep holding on.

Do you think that you could tell someone about this? I know that it can be hard to open up but in the end if you do so you will be able to get the help that you deserve.

I know it may seem like people do not care but that is not the truth. Sometimes people do not show the ones they love how they really feel because they think that the people already know. So, I bet a lot of your friends and family care about you they just think they do not have to say it because they probably figure that you already know this.

So, please talk to someone and tell them how you feel and let them show you that this is not true.

And, another thing is that you matter to me. I know you do not know me but I want you to continue living. I know that there are a lot of great things you can and will do with your life you just have to let yourself hang on.

Here are a few links that might help you continue on:

Hold On (To Hope) NEW - TeenHelp
Reasons to Live - TeenHelp

Please hang in there and know that I am available if you ever need to talk.

Jenna


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Re: Why does it always rain the hardest on people who deserve the sun? - October 8th 2009, 12:55 PM

It's only a bump in your life right now and I am positive you can make it through. Just reach out to a bigger support system such as a mental hospital. That's what I did. If you need anything just PM me anytime and I will reply as fast as I can. Hope you really read this and think it through before acting on anything.
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Re: Why does it always rain the hardest on people who deserve the sun? - October 8th 2009, 01:25 PM

Hey. :]

I'm sorry to hear that your friend is pretty much not understanding you this time about how you feel. I'm going to assume you made a pact with him about no more self harming, and that's a good thing. It's a really good thing that shouldn't be broken. I understand you're depressed, I understand your suicidal, and most of all, I know what it feels like to be in the situation. I won't say I know exactly how you feel for your reasons, but I will say that I've lived through it and am better now that I was back then. My point is that I think you can get through this, and I know you can come out of any given situation alive.

I don't think that your friend is so apathetic about it like you think he is, I think he's just dissapointed, for the lack of a better word. I'm sure that if you had a heart to heart with him that he would be there for you, if you tell him how you really feel, any friend would be there for another in their time of need. No one wants to lose a friend, do they?

As for your dad not knowing your depressed? Sometimes, in my experience, parents can be pretty clueless. They can be pretty wrapped in their own world and they can be pretty elusive to anyone else's problems. I don't mean to make any excuses for you dad, however, I just want you to realize that he is a person as well. He is still your father above it all, and perhaps if you told him how your feeling he might do a lot for you. Tell him your intent on killing yourself, tell him you're sad, tell him you want to SH. It has to be known, be seen, to help. Please believe that.

I'm going to give you a rather..blunt piece of advice that you're going to want to keep in mind. If you were dead tomorrow, you don't want to even imagine how many people that would hurt. You play the "What If" game. It would hurt your friend, it would hurt your dad, it would hurt the kids at school. Let me show you how. Your friend would play the what if game by saying this, "What if I was there for her more? What if I kept a closer eye on her? What if I..What if I..What if I..etc, etc." Your dad would play the What If game like this: "What if I loved her more, what if I payed more attention, what if I asked her how she was feeling, what if I talked to her more often, what if I told her I loved her every day?" You see the pattern here? One action can cause a ripple in the whole ocean that can be felt throughout the world, slamming against the muddy shores of land.

I know you're in limbo, darlin, I know how it feels. But there's something out there for you to cling to get by. There's people here at TeenHelp who do care for you, because we are united by one common purpose: To be helped, or we want to help others.

If you need anything at all, please don't hesitate to PM me or send me a VM.

-Casper.


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And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it
And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

   
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Re: Why does it always rain the hardest on people who deserve the sun? - October 8th 2009, 03:01 PM

Thanks, that helps a little.

I just can't stand to know that my friend... is kind of lost in his own world officially. How do I tell him what I've been thinking about? What if he's completely tired of it all and doesn't want to hear it? Like I said, I've threatened it before.. what if all my friends are sick of it??



   
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