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Hey Nikki! Offline
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I hate all of them. - October 9th 2009, 09:59 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I hate them.

Every single one of them. Everyone in my school. I want to kill myself just to get away from them.

I've been bullied for three years now. Every day, I am humiliated in some way. Whether to my face or behind my back. People aren't exactly 'quiet' when they talk about me, either. I hear them, and it makes me angry, and I wanna stick up for myself, but I really don't think I'm much of a person worth sticking up for. I'm just so different. Why? Why couldn't I be like everyone else? Then I wouldn't be in so much pain right now, and asking random people all these questions. Because if I was normal, I would've had friends in school, at least.

They think I don't have emotions, feelings, or a life. But I do. I've never seen so much hatred fly in my entire life. I've never hated so many people in my life, either. I never felt like a loser until I was 14, and my life has gone downhill ever since. This summer was good, because I was out of school, but I seriously can't take another 2 years of this shit.

And I'm getting so desperate. I wish I could've turned out like they did, even if they are assholes. I wish they could've given me a chance. They're always happy- they have awesome lives. They fall in love, which is something I can't let myself do because I know I'm not good enough for everyone. I constantly apologize to my family for not turning out right. For not turning out like all the other girls did.

I'm sorry. I really thought I was a good person for looking past the surface and being so accepting of everyone, but I've got it all backwards. People who are nice and accepting of everyone don't get what they want out of life. You have to be a complete asshole to get what you want. In other words, you have to look good on the outside, terrible on the inside, and make fun of everyone who's a loser. Like me.

Being an outcast has affected me so much. I'm afraid to leave my own house in case I see my classmates outside of school. I no longer find joy in anything- I never feel motivated to do my homework, because I ask myself, "what's the point? I'm not going to make anything of myself- the other girls are prettier and smarter than me!"

I no longer celebrate holidays, because I constantly think of how much more fun my classmates are having than me. They get to spend time with boyfriends, but I never will. I can't trust anyone. I'm so afraid their rumors will spread outside of school, to the few close friends I have. Then what if they believe them and abandon me? I'll have no one.

I just don't get it. Over the summer, everyone that I hung around with was giving me complements on how much I've matured and that I'm outgoing and funny. I was, and that was the real me. But she's not coming back. Because I could never be myself around my classmates. And since summer's not coming for another 8 months, I won't be happy for another 8 months. I don't think summer is worth waiting 8 months for, especially when I have to ask myself why I'm such a loser everyday.
   
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Re: I hate all of them. - October 10th 2009, 03:03 AM

I'm not generally in much of a position to offer advice, but I sympathize with a lot of your points.

That said, people who aren't jerks are in very short supply these days. No matter what you think, you're a hell of a lot better than the girls you described. I believe you can get through this; the world could use more people like you.
   
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Re: I hate all of them. - October 10th 2009, 06:43 AM

when i read ur post- it was pretty much word for word as to what i said when i was in ur position. high school was the worst time of my life. the girls are bitches and really- they are not worth your time- you might think you want to be a part of them-its not worth it. i did not think that i would ever make it out of high school- let alone farther than that. i did. i am in my third year of college and i love it. it is amazing - it is a whole different world than high school. people are real people (unless you go to some dumbass private shithole college or something) and its not about fake and material shit and who is better than who- none of that!. please don't give up. i was told something along these lines when i was in ur position and basically blew off what they said. but its so true. i have proof!! lol but no seriously- facebook tells all!- you see them at their prime in high school- now they are failing out of college, pregnant, gaining massive weight, on drugs (not just the usual pot, but like drug drugs), and they are no longer "on top", they hate it and you can tell. my very very few friends i had then ( i talk to exactly 1 person that knew me in high school and we were in the same position then), well her and i are doing great. i kno you won't want to believe me but please do! if you know anyone at college- visit them for a weekend- its a different world. please, just push through. its hard i know- its the worst thing i've ever been through. but you CAN push through- you have it in your whether you think you do or not. but when it is over and you do great and they are in shitholes somewhere. .... well karma is a bitch. do ur thing- work hard to get into a good college- find something to involve yourself in- mine was a sport that was not associated with the high school. u see this though- you see that this is not how the world is supposed to be- that the world does not revolve around them, they do not control everything, and can't always get their way,.they don't. they are in for a swift kick in the ass after they graduate and go to college and realize they no longer rule the world.- karma is a bitch- what goes around will come around- maybe not right away - but it does. just be patient. take it day by day. ignore their bullshit. throw yourself into being YOU! i know where you are right now and i know its like worse than hell. i just wish you could see the future- cuz its shocking. i'm here if you ever need anything. trust me i've been there. i can help with anything you need. if you just need someone to talk to- i can listen. just know that you arn't alone. i have so much more i can tell you and show you that it gets so much better and in teh meantime things you can do. please give it a chance. just be you. thats all anyone can ever ask. feel free to message me anytime
   
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Re: I hate all of them. - October 11th 2009, 04:57 AM

Lurk: I really do hope I can get through this ASAP. I'm glad I'm not a jerk, but sometimes I just feel like I'd have more fun and be carefree if I was a jerk...I don't know. Sometimes I like to take a step back and look at it from a safe distance...

That being said, thanks for the complement. I'll try harder at seeing myself as a better person. Really!

onlyhope2788: First off, welcome to TH, and thanks for agreeing with me! Everywhere I look these days, it seems like people are having the time of their lives, but I've noticed that little by little, our 'fates' seem to be switching around! In other words, my life improves while they encounter problems and get into fights with their friends.

I thought long and hard about this, and I think that it's better that I was never friends with them at all. Sometimes I wish I was, but then I take a step back and see that they're just like any other generic girl. I can't wait until college- my sister told me all about it, and how you get to live life like you want for a change.

I really can't wait until I move out. I'm planning on going to a public college with over 20,000 kids- everyone else in my class is going to a small private one. My sister went to that private one (my mom made her go because she had a scholarship, of course...) and she hated it, so I hope those classmates of mine will get a kick out of it once they find out how boring it is! My sister then transferred to the public, bigger college and recommended that I'd like it there.

...How did you make time go by faster in HS, though? This year is going by so slow...
   
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Re: I hate all of them. - October 11th 2009, 09:34 AM

I am sorry to hear that you are being bullied. Have you tried talking to someone about it. You are worth sticking up for and you should tell them to stop that you dont like it. Hang in there. if things get worse tell a teacher that may help.
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Re: I hate all of them. - October 12th 2009, 07:41 PM

There are plenty of people like you in this world. People that had problems with high school, people that didn't conform and became "outcasts" in their own school. People that just couldn't seem to fit into the mold that worked for everyone else. People that others thought didn't have a life and had no friends, even if they did.

Let me tell you something.

Those are the people that went somewhere in life.


Don't give up hope just yet. Socially, highschool is a joke anyways.
   
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