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I-Love-him Offline
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too afraid to live but too afraid to die - October 13th 2009, 01:08 PM

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hello everyone.
for aslong as i can remember i've always been a nervous and upset person but the past year or so the nervousness turned into anxiety, i suffer with anxiety terribly, i'm on citralopram tablets for it but they don't seem to be working.
yesturday i even broke down at college, i had a huge panic attack just because someone shouted at me and i couldn't do my work and i then had to be sent home in a taxi because of the panic attack.
my anxiety has turned my life upside down, you name it i'm scared of it. i now have a huge fear of going back to college, my tutor said i could take aslong as i like but she'd like to see me in on thursday, i can't do it, today i just feel so so depressed, i realised i need to quit college, i'm on a health and social care course and i would LOVE to become a psychologist, pshychiatrist or counsellor but i've now realised i am not safe or stable enough to work with vulnerable people. i mean, how could i work with people with problems when i constantly get nervous if someone shouts, crys,feels ill or something?.
i quit college last year from performing arts because i didn't enjoy it, now i feel i've got to quit again because my anxiety will not be good when working with vulnerable people.
i also have dyspraxia (a learning disability) and it's getting worse,i can no longer learn or do work in a classroom environment, i've realised education is not for me.

so basicaly i'm screwed, i've thought about killing myself but guess what...i'm petrified of death, i have panic attacks whenever i think of blood or dying but mostly i'm petrified for my loved ones, i have a boyfriend and my mum and dad who i love so much, i'm scared of dying because i will no longer be there for them and i won't be able to hug my boyfriend anymore or anything.

but i'm too afraid to live, i'm petrified of everything, how can i live a normal life when i'm too afraid to enjoy myself or do things or anything???

i've come to realise that the only reason i am alive is to watch people suceed, that is my meaning in life, to suffer and watch other's succeed at things i once dreamt of, i'm trapped and it just feels like i'll never be able to escape my problems, sad but true.
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Larrinda Offline
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Re: too afraid to live but too afraid to die - October 14th 2009, 02:20 AM

I want to first off say its okay to feel the way you do.
You cant help it.
But you can stay in school.
The people that seen you have your panic attack probably think that you have given up and that you wont be back.
You need to prove them wrong and show them that you are a hard worker and even though you are not the smarted you try your best.

I have the same thing. I cant kill myself. I have been very close though.
I believe that the reason that you cant do it is because it is just not what God wants you for or has planned for you.

He may know that you have a very bright future and that you WILL finish college and get married and have a family of your own someday.

Dont Give up girl

"My life is like a rolling river
So muddy and absurd
And although I might be mistaken
I know that Iíll be heard
And I find the second I try to pull away
Iím thrown back in line
All this time"
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