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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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someday75 Offline
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Please Help - October 19th 2009, 07:41 AM

I'm brand new to this...and I'm honestly not even sure if i'm clinically depressed.
I'm just too scared and self-conscious to talk to anyone I know, so I figure posting on an anonymous website is the safest way to go about this...

I cry myself to sleep nearly every night, if not every other night, or at least a couple times a week. I've been cutting myself every so often for about six months, although I'm trying to stop that now. I pretty much can't stand myself...and I think I have legitimate reason to. I'm the bitch of my family and I seem to make everything worse. My parents haven't gotten along for years--I don't think they've actually shared a bed since I was six or seven. They fight daily, or don't talk at all. A year and a half ago my sister was diagnosed with anorexia and severe depression, and I'm 99% sure it's my fault. I found old journal entries of her detailing how sad it made her that we aren't close and barely talk, and how horrible and ugly it made her feel when her older sister took her old clothes when she grew out of them. To make things worse...I'm too scared to talk about anything emotional and haven't talked about it with her once. The only time her disease has come up has been in the 2 family therapy sessions I was forced to attend, and another night when we got in a fight and she screamed at me through tears that not once had I asked her how she was doing, or tried to help her through this. All true.

So...I don't really know why I'm posting this. I can't get over the fact that I think I deserve to be depressed. And while she's been in treatment for nearly a year and is getting better, I'm worried she's slipping back again, as all she seems to do now is sleep. She seems pretty depressed about it, and I'm worried about her will to live. It'll be my fault if anything happens--and I don't know what I'd do if anything did happen.

I myself have considered suicide seriously for about a year. It's not that my home is a violent, raging world war--it's that it seems like I don't have one. I come home and everyone is in a separate room. We hardly interact, except with my mom. My sister and I barely talk to each other, I hate my dad and I hate that I hate him but I just can't get over how horrible he is toward my mom, so I obviously don't talk to him. And my sister and I have become so distant I don't know how to fix that relationship....it almost seems out of reach. I hate coming home to a silent house--especially when it seems like all of my friends have these perfect, tight-knit families. I just don't know what to do about it.

I feel like I can't talk to my parents--I already tried to tell my mom about the cutting, and while she told my doctor who told me I'd be referred to a therapist, nothing ever happened--my parents just don't have time for me with all that's been going on with my sister. I'm too scared and ashamed to talk to friends or a teacher. I feel like a hypocrite posting this because I basically feel like I deserve it. I caused my sister's depression and anorexia...which in turn caused my mom to spiral downward into a deeper depression...which made my dad even worse.

No one knows about any of this. Obviously this isn't the whole story, but this is already so long I'm going to cut this short. I don't know if I know the point of this post....I just know I need help. Any help. I can't continue like this much longer...I worry one day I'll give into the suicidal thoughts and give up. I've come close multiple times already. So please...any help would be appreciated. I can't do this much longer.

Thanks for listening.
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Rudnet Offline
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Re: Please Help - October 19th 2009, 08:01 AM

Hi there,

Thank-you for posting here, because it means that you have the strenght to live and to make your life better. I can just feel it.

Don't think that it's your fault why all this is happening to your family, because it is not. It just seems that way to you. Whatever happens to a person is because of his or her choices, it's not the fault of someone else. Why your sister went into depression was because of her choice. She could have changed it by trying to get closer to you herself, but she didn't. So I don't see why you blame yourself.

Remember that suicide is just a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Also, suicide doesn't help. You don't know how much your family will be devastated if you try to kill yourself. I know this because I too come from a broken home and I also tried to commit suicide once upon a time. So please, don't try it because of two things. One, because your family needs you to be there to bring it together. They're counting on you. You are like their last hope. Two, if you do commit suicide and you succeed, it's not going to help your family. They'll all just move even farther apart and then it will really be all your fault. So just stay strong.

"The bad thing about good time is that it doesn't last forever but the good thing about bad time is that even that doesn't last forever." Just think upon this line. It is very enlightening.

And I think that it would be a good idea to try to bring your family together. You could go talk to them about your problems, I am sure that they'd be the most willing to help you out. And I am sure that it would bring you closer as a family, because sharing is the key to a healthy and happy family. The more you share, the more you let them know about you the more you come closer. So think about this as well.

If you like, you could also see a therapist about your problems. People might say that they can't help but sometimes you come across one who will really go out of their way to help you out. And don't be embarrassed to talk to your friends about this, because at times friends can be the most supportive of you. Please do give it a try. You never know what might come out of it.

Take care! ^_^ And I hope I wasn't too blunt.
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