Triggering (Suicide): Hurting

[Evanescent]

I'm not really sure what to do anymore. I just got out of the psych ward about 14 hours ago, I think they should have kept me longer. I kept saying that I wasn't thinking about killing myself, or that if I was I wasn't going to do it. Both were lies. I am thinking about it. I think about it all the time, it never goes away. And I want to do it, I have to do it, it's the only way this pain can be put to an end. I self-harm to keep from killing myself, but my injuries are getting dangerously close to killing me. I am going to have to take time off of school to try to get things together, or the other option, to tie up lose ends before I go. School is so important to me, but when people find out where I have been, or that I self-harm and am suicidal it's all going to come crashing down anyway, so I have to stop myself from going before they find out. Everyday I have someone ask me "are you okay?" and I just want to scream out "no, I'm not okay, I need help, I can't take it anymore!" but I don't, I just tell them that I'm fine. Shouldn't they know, I mean when someone says they're fine it's rarely true, but that doesn't matter. If only I could get up the courage to ask for help. I think about calling the suicicde hotlines, but when I do I get scared and hang-up I don't know why. My energy is running out. I know that the best thing is to end it all, it just makes me even more sad when I think about what my mom and my siblings will think. They will get over it eventually. I know I need to go back to the hospital but I also know that I'm not going to take myself back, I wasn't the one who called the ambulance this time, and I won't call them the next time either. It scares me to know that things have gotten this bad again, I was doing so good, now I don't know what to do.

[ballet1babe]

You need to get help ASAP! Please. This isn't the way out. You do have so much to offer. Please if you ever need to talk PM me!