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This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.
I'm not really sure what to do anymore. I just got out of the psych ward about 14 hours ago, I think they should have kept me longer. I kept saying that I wasn't thinking about killing myself, or that if I was I wasn't going to do it. Both were lies. I am thinking about it. I think about it all the time, it never goes away. And I want to do it, I have to do it, it's the only way this pain can be put to an end. I self-harm to keep from killing myself, but my injuries are getting dangerously close to killing me. I am going to have to take time off of school to try to get things together, or the other option, to tie up lose ends before I go. School is so important to me, but when people find out where I have been, or that I self-harm and am suicidal it's all going to come crashing down anyway, so I have to stop myself from going before they find out. Everyday I have someone ask me "are you okay?" and I just want to scream out "no, I'm not okay, I need help, I can't take it anymore!" but I don't, I just tell them that I'm fine. Shouldn't they know, I mean when someone says they're fine it's rarely true, but that doesn't matter. If only I could get up the courage to ask for help. I think about calling the suicicde hotlines, but when I do I get scared and hang-up I don't know why. My energy is running out. I know that the best thing is to end it all, it just makes me even more sad when I think about what my mom and my siblings will think. They will get over it eventually. I know I need to go back to the hospital but I also know that I'm not going to take myself back, I wasn't the one who called the ambulance this time, and I won't call them the next time either. It scares me to know that things have gotten this bad again, I was doing so good, now I don't know what to do.