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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Hope...A pretty Fairytale
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Name: Caitlyn
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Location: Rio Rancho New Mexico

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Join Date: July 17th 2009

Game over - November 5th 2009, 07:38 PM

We're taking a long walk down memory lane, ladies and gents.

It all started at the end of3 ade. My best friend moved away and my other best friend was a guy and didn't quite understand. He and I ecame very close over the summer and in 4th grade to our horror, we were stuck in different classes. I was in tears when I got home because a girl (I wont put ay names) tormented me. I've always struggled with my weight and I began to hate myself and my reflection. I befriended a girl a year older than me and she and I became interested in witchcraft. I didn't practice it but I was very interested. So, my teacher and other students began to notice how my eyes were red-rimmed all the time and one day I was pulled out of class and sent to the counsler's office with a boy in my class. He and I had never spoken but we became ok friends. Mrs. A. became my lifeline in school. And a few other girls whom were tormented by my personl demon, came and had lunch with me and Mrs. A. We had such a wonderful time.

5th grade. I was once again alone, and I quickly made friends with some of the girls and had my first crush. I began to read manga, and the boys would tease me for always having my nose stuck in a book. Then the horrible news came...I was moving.

I moved to fl. with my family and we styed with my cousins. That's when everything went to hell in a handbasket. These girls made mine and my sister's lives HELL. We finally got to our own place and my mom decided to HS us. Much to my shock and pleasure, I skipped 6th grade! I was so happy! my sister was a little resentful and I won't deny it, I am gifted when it comes to school. My sister...is not. Don't think bad of me that I said that. Anyway, we had such a wonderful suprise Vaca! We went to the virgin islands! For one magical week, I was free! no one knew me, and I had the time of my life! I should have known my luck wouldn't last. My father quit his job. And we were unemployed for 8 months. My father had been addicted to porn and I caught him several times. We were evicted. None of us wanted to talk to him. I hated him. I still do.

We eventually got righted and were once again isolated in NM. No one knew sand we didn't know them. 8th grade passes horribly and we had to move b/c the house we were in had mold. I had been a cutter those few years.

Here we are, 9th grade and I'm still boiling with hatred. I have meds, but nothing is working. Do you see what I am going through? Do you see my pain? I don't want sympathy I just want someone to know why I am the way I am. I want someone to know my story wehn I'm gone. I want someone to care enough to help me.

My mother loves me. She is my best friend. My sister will miss me, she's allright for a goofball. But I can't take all of these emotions inside of me. It's all over and everything has finally come down.

Game over.


Someone save me from myself...
   
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you only live once.
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Name: Katrina
Gender: Female
Location: New York.

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Re: Game over - November 7th 2009, 12:53 AM

Katelin, my friend.

You are in pain; I do see it. Why? I don't know. Why does anyone struggle with depression? My mom struggled with depression. Why? I don't know. But she's doing well these days, and I couldn't be prouder of her. You can get there too, you know. You've lived for thirteen years. You have LIFE to go, honestly. The first thirteen years of one's life are, in my opinion, some of the most awkward, most difficult times. Now, I have this slight obsession with this guy, Erikson, who developed eight stages of personality. Much of that time, 7-12 (I think), is spent developing industry. If you don't develop industry, you develop inferiority. This is why bullies have such a HUGE effect on school aged children at this age. They make them feel very inferior, and it's hard to cope with that. It's not too late, though, for you to be developing a sense of industry and feeling like you're worth something though, and there's so much cool stuff to look forward to (JUST according to this ONE theory!) - there's identity, intimacy, generation and ego-integrity, and through those you can gain the virtues of fidelity, love, caring and wisdom! But ah, enough of the psychobabble, I suppose. That's just to say that you're NOT the only one to have ever been affected by a bully as a kid. There are so many who have gone through it, who have gotten through it. You don't have to be a victim! You can be a survivorand help OTHERS who will have to go through this after you. But you have to make the decision to do that, Katelin, and if things don't change, things won't change.. which is something quite difficult for me to wrap my head around, personally. I want to believe that people will recover even if they don't want to. But that's just not the truth at all. You have to WANT healing and recovery. And if you want it hard enough and set out to FIND it, you will. It'll take time. And oh so much effort, but the end result will be BEYOND beautiful.

Ah, the Virgin Islands. What a happy time. When you're stressed, go back to that place, mentally. Recount the smells of those islands, and the taste of something you associate with being there. All the sights and the sounds and the touches. It will physically calm you, I'm very serious. On top of that, you know what happiness is because you've felt it at that point in your life. And it's not impossible for you to feel it again..but just know that you have to climb upwards to get there. You CAN do that though.

Read through your post, Katelin. It's clear to me that you've had ups and downs. This may be a really big down, but that probably means that there's a really big up somewhere in your future. You need to hang around to see what it is! It's not over. (: Why are you still boiling with hatred? Is it at your dad? The thing about addictions is that they manifest themselves in many different things. He may be addicted to porn, but think of it as if it were something else. What if he were trapped in the addiction that is self harm. Would it be differently? I don't know him. But I know that as with any addiction, it was probably very, VERY difficult to stop, even if he were to try. He probably felt guilty about it (again, as with many other addictions), so, I don't know. Maybe doing some mending of sorts with your dad would help you to be a more peaceful person. I don't know if you're ready to do that now, but I suppose it's food for thought.

There ARE people who care enough to help you. Do you see a professional? I know you mentioned that you're on medication, so I'm assuming that you do see a professional. If the medication isn't working, though, you need to talk to whoever prescribed you. It's a waste of resources and time and money to take something that's not working, especially when there are so many OTHER medications available, that when, combined with perhaps CBT or another type of therapy, could really actually help you.

Your mom is your best friend; I have no doubt in my mind that she cares for you so unconditionally and loves you so much more that you know. TALK to her. You're her daughter, and I know she wants to help you. Even your sister would want to help, I'm sure, if she knew or could understand what was going on.

Hang in there. There's a better life out there. (: It doesn't have to be like this.



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