Suicide and alternatives...

[Lurk]

First off, I think this is the second post I made on this forum, and for that I apologize.

Anyway, I strongly dislike my life - not from any external sources; my environment is great and I suffer no abuse. The crappiness comes from within. Thus, I've been mulling over my options for awhile. Suicide is appealing, but I can't do that unless I first convince my friends and family that it's a viable route, which would be difficult but hopefully possible. I've also succumbed to immature fear of the unknown results in an afterlife (if one exists) if I kill myself.

Thus, I've been experimenting with the idea of a less literal suicide: finding a simple job that will pay for my bills and a bit of extra, staying in my house when possible, and buying media every now and then to distract myself for the times that I was at home and couldn't sleep. Living thus, I could just distract myself until I died, maybe add alcoholism and/or drugs or something to speed the process along.

Minus the last part, this seems a solid way to technically be alive - to a degree that would satisfy my family - while avoiding the unpleasantness of being myself by alternately surrounding myself with unconsciousness and distractions until I ran out of time. Still, it seems as though people might catch on eventually.

...Guess I just needed to say all this somewhere. Again, apologies.

[TheBabyEater]

Personally, I don't mean to dash your hopes for a better future, but I don't think this is the best way to go. I think whatever internal battles you have that are making you depressed are only going to get worse if you succumb to a boring, useless, mindless life.
I think the best way would be to do the opposite... Live life to the fullest. I don't think that kind of life is going to distract you enough... But that getting out there.. having the time of your life in whatever way you can to try and distract yourself, maybe that will help.
I don't know the full extent of the situation as I didn't see your last post. But it's just a suggestion. That's what I'm trying to do.

[Lurk]

Er, sorry for the lack of elaboration. Point is, it's seeming better to have an unremarkable, boring life, than to attempt to actually do things and fail miserably at every turn - the latter seems to be my default mode, and frankly I'm pretty sure I'm far too weak to change that...