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fireheart17 Offline
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I won't be a burden - November 9th 2009, 12:12 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm sick of being used all the time, by others. I'm sick of the fact that every person I know could potentially be using me for their own selfish gains. I'm constantly having to please people all the time, otherwise I wind up losing everything I worked for. Unfortunately it also seems like they're treating me like a bitch and I have to stand there and take it with a shit-eating grin on my face.

When I do go and do things for people, I just wind up causing more problems for them, or I don't do it right and then I get yelled at anyway. Nobody understands what the fuck I'm going through and I just get told to toughen up or harden up. I don't want to keep falling behind in life, because then I'll be failing myself and I'll be dragging everyone else down with me. I just feel like I'm gonna fail at everything anyway and I don't even bother to look at my uni results anymore because I know I suck, I know that I've failed. Everyone keeps telling me "well that's life." But does life keep throwing crap at you constantly? Like every single day?

I try and distract myself from these thoughts by doing something else, but then I beat myself up for letting myself get distracted when I could be doing what I was meant to be doing (i.e. I'll be making something and I don't clean up because the thoughts come back, so I go and play a game and then I get yelled at for not cleaning up in the first pace). I keep forgetting things that came easily to me at uni and now I feel as though may as well give up because it's obvious that I don't belong. I have no friends-the two idiots who used me for their own sexual and psychological purposes have seen to that. And my marks suck as well, so I may as well give up because what sort of career would cater to someone with mental health issues?!

I just want to die. That way I won't be a burden onto people. I won't be causing problems for them because I won't be there. They won't have to worry about someone who's constantly negative, who constantly screws things up, who constantly lets their life be run over all the time. Who can't even handle themselves in a simple conversation without it turning onto them and when they try and change it, it gets awkward. Who tries to change but keeps slipping back into her old habits anyway because her willpower level sucks and it seems like failing is the only way out.

Let's face it. I fail at life. Just shove me onto the streets so I can let some idiot kick me to death. I'll just be treated as another random homeless bum that nobody will give a flying fart about.
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Katrina Offline
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Re: I won't be a burden - November 9th 2009, 02:06 PM

Heyy there. A big hug. I'm sorry you're struggling right now.

I'm just going to jump right in and share my thoughts with you; I hope that's okay. Honestly, you don't sound like you're surrounded by very positive people. I feel like this could totally solve like 1/4th of the problem! In my own life, I've found that I'm just SO much happier when I'm around my friends (and by "friends," I don't mean people who tell me to "toughen up" when I'm upset). You need people in your life who will love you when you're down, not push you down further. I've found that people like this sometimes are hiding because they often have their own lives to deal with, some of which are probably not very easy, I don't imagine. Does your school have any sort of clubs or teams dedicated to eliminating the negative stigma associated with mental health? I've found that some very compassionate people will flock to these sorts of clubs, and I think being around such people could do a world of good for you.

I don't know how your family and friends feel about you (though I'm sure they appreciate you, even if they don't always show it), but know that here, even though we don't know you, you'll never be a burden here. And I know that's the cheesiest thing you've ever heard in your life time, but I'm very serious. So please reach out for all the help you can get. Also, I would look into talking to a school counselor. You HAVE to go in with an open mind if you do this, or it's not going to work. So, really focus on no negative mindsets; you never know that it won't help or that it WILL (and I bet it will) until you give it at try.

Depression, if that's what this is, is not something you can just "get over" ... it's not "normal" in the .. traditional sense of the world, but the abnormalcy of it - the fact that there are SO many others struggling through this - is very normal; I say that just to emphasize that you're not alone here.

One thing you need to really try to eliminate is all the negative self talk. I know that's so much easier for me to suggest than for you to actually try, but it's really not helping you a bit. Even if you just say a positive thought aloud, and even if you don't actually believe it at first, it starts to help eventually, I'm telling you. You're an intelligent person. You MATTER, and you need to try your hardest at Uni. Sometimes, people struggling with mental health issues DO have to try harder, but when you've reached the end result and graduated, it's going to be so much more beautiful than someone who just breezed right on through. Also, there ARE jobs who cater (and by that, I mean "make accommodations") to those with mental health differences. This doesn't mean people can use that as a crutch, but if you genuinely need help, most employers are willing to go the extra mile to help you - that's why they're the employers. (:

I see your pain, and if there's anything I can do to help you (talking on MSN or whatever, namely), let me know. I hope things shape up really soon. You take good care of yourself, now, and hang in there.

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