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i_am_me_again Offline
I'm A Pyschotic Neurotic.
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Why bother...does anyone actually care? - November 10th 2009, 07:18 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Last night I was up til 3am. I was writing. God knows what. I showed my social worker, she took it off me. All I remember is hearing people run up and down my stairs.

Im scared of doing things, like talking because I know I am being watched and recorded. This is why I cant really go into detail.

Im hearing voices, they are telling me to run away, I will, someday when I get the money. Not because I want to cause a fuss, I just want to get away from my head. At the moment I live with a support worker 24/7. I cant do fuck all on my own, its like being on observation in hospital. Cant go out on my own, cant go shopping on my own, cant do anything.

Last night I sat there with a blade to my wrist, the only thing that was stopping me, was not the pain, not the fact I was suicidal, but the thought of my cat, Alba, I love him too much. If I had no cat, I would have done the deed ages ago.

Anyway, things are really bad, my parents seperationis still difficult for me, and my grandad is not a well man at all. It just makes me angry.

I self harm a lot, I cut, I tie ligatures and yesterday I attempted to swallowe a battery and toothbrush. I failed. But my arms and legs are slashed to bits. And my neck has a nice red mark from where I tied.

Im in a state, I know I am and dont tell me to visit a doctor, they refuse to help becasue I already have 24/7 care, even though the carers are not from the NHS , or proffesionals either. The support workers are just normal people doing a service. They are not trained to deal with my schizophrenia

So what Im saying....why bother? does anyone actually care? Would it make a difference if I died tonight? Would the pain stop? *Sigh*

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Savanna Offline
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Re: Why bother...does anyone actually care? - November 10th 2009, 07:59 PM

It would make a difference if you died tonight. You might not believe so but it is true. What about your cat. Keep thinking about her.You may even say I don't understand but believe me. I have felt the same way. I will be here if you need someone to talk to.
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Chriz Offline
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Re: Why bother...does anyone actually care? - November 10th 2009, 11:06 PM

hey hang in there. i'll listen if you need to talk to some one. you have to stay strong for your cat. you love him right? so hang in there and take care of him. when you feel depressed and you need to talk to some one you could talk to your cat too. i talk to my dog some times
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