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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Nicolexx Offline
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It's all so pointless. - January 9th 2010, 04:59 AM

Hi.
I am so tired of life. I'm sixteen and I've been dealing with depression since I was eleven. I'm tired of people telling me it's a teen thing, I'll outgrow it. I don't feel like I ever will. Being depressed has become part of who I am, as much as I hate it, I can't imagine being without that constant feeling of just hoping I will slip away and not have to live anymore. I have seriously considered suicide so many times and it's a topic on my mind most everyday. Sometimes things get better and I think wow imagine I had killed myself, I would have missed this... but then things get bad again. I'm not going to lie, I don't have an awful family and they would care deeply if I killed myself and I couldn't do that to them but that, my cowardice and my religion are the only reasons I haven't killed myself yet. I used to have a lot of good friends and get good marks and stuff but in grade seven my parents got divorced and my dad got sent to jail because he beat my mom. I had to call the police and it was awful because I have always looked up to my dad. I couldn't go to his house for a long time, knowing that he was capable of such violence and also he cheated on my mom. I tell myself I have forgiven him but there's something in me, in the way I act towards him that proves I haven't really and I don't know why or how I can. My mom is someone who half the time I have an amazing relationship with and the other half I literally want to kill her because she does nothing but scream at me for hours and hours about what I do wrong in life. She takes everything I care about and makes me feel horrible about it. I can't run away because I am weak and feel too tied to my family but I can not live with them anymore, I feel like I'm hurting my little brother when I'm snappy after a fight and me living in the house makes things tense after episodes like this. I don't know why my mom picks on me, I think because I'm the older one but I really can't take it anymore. What I hate is that after a fight when I am seriously considering offing myself or getting the hell out of my situation my family acts so nice about it, like it never happened and I can't keep my anger up... and then it happens all over again, leaving me drained and depressed. Anyways, I'm not blaming my family for my depression or withdrawl but the fact is I started to hate people, especially my "friends" and everything they stood for. By grade eight I was drifting and in grade nine I put on a nice big act for the first year of highschool but by grade ten I couldn't take it and I switched schools, hoping to escape the people I used to be close to. Unfortunately I didn't really like my new school either and had to switch back at the end of grade ten. I'm not in the eleventh grade and I have one or two real, we hangout outside of school friends just because I've managed to push the rest away. I don't want to be friends with anyone anyways but I feel like such a loner and a failure now. I have one good friend that definately has helped me live this long but sometimes she's not enough. I haven't had a boyfriend since the eighth grade. I don't think I'll ever have another one as I don't meet new people. I'm so sick of myself, of hating everything but not being strong enough to hate it all the time or act on it. I'm not smart or artistic or talented at all... all I want to do is find a guy I love and move away to the countryside with him where I can have horses and animals. That is honestly the only thing that would make me happy and I know it can never happen because a/ I can't meet a guy and b/ how the hell could I support myself living in the countryside. Anyways, horse riding gives me hope but I can barely ever do it and I always know it's not permanent. Mostly all I can think of is how to kill myself painlessly and every night before I go to bed I half hope I will never wake up but then I get afraid of missing out on life. I just wish I could be happy. I'm sorry for ranting, I don't even know what the focus of this post is or what I even wrote but I guess if you get one thing out of it it should be that I'm sixteen years old and want to die everyday. Please help me. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this crazy rant.
   
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Re: It's all so pointless. - January 9th 2010, 06:05 AM

nicole, i definitely took the time to read this rant .. and so will others, definitely.

i definitely understand that since you were eleven, a lot of bad things have happened and your family wasn't exactly helping matters at that point. But the thing you have to remember is that everything (the pressures, the pain ) and all actually are at it's maximum point when you are a teenager. However, the fact also remains that no matter what happens you can have faith that it will all get better, for real. it's a promise.

you have to stay strong, and start making steps so that everything will get better... it wouldnt hurt meeting new people because a lot of them are really nice and sweet and helpful as well. and i get the feeling that fate will bring you a man who is going to be willing to fulfill your horse countryside dream and make it into a reality.

It might seem over the top right now, but it WILL definitely get better! i have faith that it will.
   
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Re: It's all so pointless. - January 9th 2010, 06:10 AM

Wow, thank you so much.
The problem for me is that I don't know how much longer I can live like this. And I'm far too shy to meet new people. But still, thank you so much for your faith and input, and mostly just taking the time to read my post.


Forever in debt to your priceless advice
   
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Re: It's all so pointless. - January 9th 2010, 07:41 AM

Sometimes I feel the same way, there are times when its so hard to get through the day. But though I don't know you personally, please don't ever doubt for a second that you are a beautiful person inside. You deserve to be happy and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! Let your struggles mold you into a courageous, resilient person! So look up hun, you can really inspire someone by overcoming whatever holds you down. I'll be praying for your happiness
   
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Re: It's all so pointless. - January 9th 2010, 09:50 AM

Trust me, I know how it feels to have one of your parents cheat on the other. After looking up to that person and trusting them for so long, you can't even believe it. I've lost trust in everyone because of that and other things that have happened, and I know it's hard to regain the ability, but it's something we're both going to have to work at.

Try your hardest to get more into horseback riding and look for other hobbies. You state that you don't have any special talents, but I don't either, and I've learned to just enjoy the things I can do. For example, I totally suck at painting, but I do it anyway. Or maybe you can work at an animal shelter nearby? That's what I used to do, and it definitely can take your mind off of things for a bit.

Just keep your friends close and be grateful for their company and sticking by you. Most of my local friends have given up on me, so all I have is those who are spread out across the world. Be thankful that you have such loyal friends, and a life, and don't be too hard on your little brother. Good luck. I hope you get where you want to be.


Waitin' for my ruca.
   
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Re: It's all so pointless. - January 9th 2010, 10:58 AM

shyness can be overcome if you really want to overcome it. definitely.. i believe in you !

and dont mention it.. we're all always going to help
   
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Re: It's all so pointless. - January 9th 2010, 03:02 PM

just wanted to encourage you to reach out for help to people in your life because it sounds like you may have a mental illness such as Depression. Many Mental illnesses like depression are treatable with medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes such as eating balanced meals and getting enough sleep. It is however very very hard to go it alone. Your life is valuable, and with treatment things CAN get better.

Ask yourself "If I was happy, how would life be different than it is now?" It may be hard to imagine if you've been in emotional pain for a long time, but try to write as much as you can about what your life would be like. Then try to pick out the things in your "happy" life that you actually have control over and can work towards. Something like winning the lottery isn't realistic, but there are probably going to be several things that you do have control over. Make them specific and realistic goals.

the only thing you can count on is change, so why don't you stick around? This too shall pass. Things get better, things get worse, but it won't be this way for ever. Don't be afraid to ask for help. your life is valuable.


You're NOT alone.

Megan



When the patient's body has betrayed them,
and all the sciencewe have to offer has failed them,
when worst-case scenario comes true,
clinging to hope is all we've got left.
-grey's.anatomy-
   
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Re: It's all so pointless. - January 9th 2010, 09:43 PM

Wow everyone is so great, thanks so much for all your support I don't even know what to say.


Forever in debt to your priceless advice
   
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Re: It's all so pointless. - January 10th 2010, 11:56 PM

Hey there Nicole. Mystery said it well. The advice you need has already been given. All i can add is that the dream you seek is simple and very very nice. And those 2 problems that you feel are standing in the way of your dream are very simple things and should not make you lose your hope.
   
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