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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ohsnap! Offline
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I don't know how to help my friend. [kind of long] - January 10th 2010, 06:52 AM

So here's some background:
my best friend got dumped by her boyfriend in September. they had been going out since may, but they both had been away all summer and they barely saw each other even when he was here. they acted more like friends: no physical contact, no couple-y language. and apparently he felt the same way because that was half the reason he broke up with her. he decided that he would rather be her friend (that didn't work out either though). the other half had to do with this girl who caused some serious issues there and in many other places also, but that's a whole different story. end result of that is she hasn't talking to the guy in months and she absolutely hates this girl (rightfully so. some serious stuff went down between them) but she also blames her for everything when she's not blaming herself.

here's the issue:
my friend still isn't over him. ever since, she's been so depressed. she's even been suicidal and has been cutting herself. unfortunately, she knows that i cut, so i feel like i can't do anything about that part. i don't know how many times she's hinted at suicide to everyone and even told me that she hasn't gone a day since where she hasn't thought about killing herself though. when they were dating, she was on cloud nine and now she's so different. she says that she loved him, but i don't understand that since he didn't feel the same way at all and they really weren't that close. their entire relationship was basically online and through texts.

sorry. i need to stop dwelling on the fact that i don't understand and get back the issue. i don't know what to do about her. tonight she told me that she was crying because she was going through their old IM conversations and that she had written their anniversary date on her arm. this isn't the first time, either. honestly, i hate to say it, but i'm getting tired of it. i've been the considerate friend that listens sympathetically long enough but it's like she's doing it to herself now. as a matter of fact, i went through this with the guy that dumped her, with the girl that helped end this relationship, last year. they both sulked for months and this time it's gotten to the point where i don't know what to do anymore. i want to tell her to just get over it. it's been long enough. but i know that's a terrible thing to say and i would never do that to her. i'm really just looking for any advice on how to help her - aside from listening to her say how her life ended when he broke up with her and how she has nothing to live for, etc. over and over. i really don't even know how to respond when she says that... i need to know how to help make her happy again. or at least less suicidal... i hate seeing her like this but i don't know how to help someone who seems like they're doing it to themselves.


[[i was looking at this after i posted and realized maybe this should go in friends and family? please move it if you think it belongs there better. ]]

Last edited by ohsnap!; January 10th 2010 at 07:05 AM.
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Re: I don't know how to help my friend. [kind of long] - January 10th 2010, 08:39 AM

Hey, I want to start off by saying that it's good that you're trying to help your friend and you shouldn't feel wrong for assessing the situation. I personally think it will help you to better understand and help her through it. But then again, it does seem like you are under a lot of pressure.

I know what it's like to feel in love with someone even when your relationship is based mostly on messenger, but you're right in that your friend should get over it. She deserves a lot better than some phony relationship, so you should tell her that. Basically what I'm trying to say is help her gain hope that something better will come along.

If you're for it, maybe you could both make a vow to stop cutting. To lighten the mood, you could think up a reward for the person who goes a certain amount of time without it. Or you can help her get help. Make her realize that her behavior isn't healthy and maybe talk to a counselor together.

Remind her of the things she has to live for by showing her. Take her to a movie, go to the mall, and if she resists tell her it's the only way she'll be able to clear her head and move forward. She obviously has a bit of hope left if she hasn't done anything yet, so I think your only job is helping her build that hope and realize that it isn't the end of the world. Good luck.


Waitin' for my ruca.
   
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Re: I don't know how to help my friend. [kind of long] - January 11th 2010, 05:50 PM

Well, from what you have written you are correct. But still that isn't enough of a reason for her to move past the emotional side of the issue. Even though she and her boyfriend didn't act as a couple while they were together, it seems very true that she saw him in that manner and perhaps didn't know how to communicate it or show it.

Question : Is the guy she dated still into her ?

If so, then perhaps bring them together and let them talk it over. Because perhaps the way it ended, ended with somethings/emotions still unresolved. If things have been like this for months,it means things were very bad.

My suggestion : Bring them back together(her boyfriend and her) and let them talk things out and see where it goes and perhaps try to go out again.

Let me know what you think of this idea.
   
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Re: I don't know how to help my friend. [kind of long] - January 12th 2010, 04:21 AM

To Courtney: i like your idea of talking about the whole cutting situation and maybe making a deal. i won't bring it up randomly, but if it comes up, i will definitely try something along those lines.

tonight i (yet again) tried to tell her that he really wasn't worth it if he would act the way he did, but i pretty much just got a "yeahyeahyeah i know. everyone says that, but it's whatever" response before i could even get three sentences out. I'm not quite sure how else to approach that.


To Jacksonian: That's just the issue - i don't think she knew how to communicate that, so now she blames herself for him breaking up with her. on the nights when she thinks it was all her fault she dwells on that and just keeps thinking about it until she gets depressed as hell.

nonono on trying to get them back together. at the beginning i was also all for trying to get them to at least patch up their friendship since he obviously wasn't keen on the idea of a relationship, but a lot of things have happened (you know high school drama) and that doesn't seem at all likely. he got a new girlfriend in november and he's much happier with her than he ever was with my friend. they were still talking for a couple weeks after they broke up, but then it stopped when she said something to him on a totally unrelated topic, he freaked, now he says he hates her, deleted her number from his phone, etc. she laughs about what happened and how he avoids her now, but when she's at home and we're talking alone she says how she misses him and basically everything i've already said. thank you though.
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Re: I don't know how to help my friend. [kind of long] - January 12th 2010, 05:32 AM

I think that next time she says, "Yeah, I know", you should respond with, "If you know then why are you still doing this to yourself?"

Or if she says, "It's whatever" say, "It's obviously not whatever if you're still so distressed over it."

Find ways to ask her why she's doing it, so that maybe she can open up and spill everything. Perhaps if she's carrying a weight on her chest and she gets rid of it, she'll act a bit brighter.

It honestly took my sister screaming in my face to get me to realize that I was blocking people out and refusing help for my depression.


Waitin' for my ruca.
   
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