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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Popo Offline
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What's the point? - January 11th 2010, 12:26 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

It's been a while since I last posted in depression/suicide, but it hasn't been nearly that long since I had suicidal thoughts. I don't know if anyone remembers, but I'm pretty sure the last thing I posted in here was that I made a deal with my friend. This deal was that I wouldn't kill myself, until February 14th. If I didn't get better by then, I'd kill myself. Since then, me and that friend have talked about 5 times, and rarely for more than half an hour at a time. I'm drifting apart from all my friends, not just her. One of my "best" friends (lets refer to him as Jack) is always pre-occupied with his girlfriend (which, if you remember from before, he's only got because of me), and literally will snatch my computer just so he can talk to her. And if he starts talking to her, he's out for the night. He also borrows stuff and gives it back about 3+ months after I ask for it back. He borrowed my Wii ($300, plus games and controllers), and now it's at someone else's house. My other "best" friend (lets call him Tim) is an asshole. One of his friends (I think it even might have been his girlfriend) back in Wisconsin got in a car wreck and apparently died. He laughed. He still laughs at it. He actually says it's a good thing, because now she's not texting him 24/7. I didn't even know the girl, and I felt bad. And before, he was encouraging a friend of mine to kill herself. I hate him, both of them actually, but I'm far too forgiving to do anything about it.

And that's just my friends. My family's an entire different story.

A few of you might remember that my biological father is an all-around douche. I refer to him as my biological father, because no way in hell is he a father figure. He thinks that anything over ten minutes in a shower is ridiculous. He says that I waste electricity with my "computers and game systems and televisions", which could be true, but he wastes just as much with his tv, a machine he needs to go to sleep with, his laptop, his dvd player, and his satellite TV box. And he believes that I spend all my time on my laptop or games, even though he's on ebay on his laptop or watching tv all the time. He also hates my best friends. He jokes about the dumbest things (called a friend my girlfriend just because I had her over to hang out 3 times (I punched a wall)). And my mother is... eh. She's not terrible, but she always thinks that I'm mad at her because I talk to her in a different tone than usual. Then I usually do get mad at her for thinking that. Then she gets angry, and then I get angrier. Then I end up hating myself for overreacting.

I've been around the block and back on the discussion of what I have to live, why not to kill myself, etc. And I just haven't been convinced that, after a year of conversations about it, that I've got a reason not to.
So, recently I've been collecting these Tylenol PM pills. I get 2 every schoolnight, so I figure I'll have about 60 when valentines day comes around. I've read a couple different stories, and it seems that overdosing on tylenol would take a few days. So, I figure I just raid the pill cabinet and take whatever I find in there, and I'm pretty much screwed.

I don't hate my mother, I don't truly hate my friends, but I hate my life. I might be seen as selfish, but what's more selfish? letting more and more people get attached to you, only to die 50+ years later, hurting all of those people, or letting people get attached to you, but ending it earlier, say, in 35 days from now, and hurting those people more, at the sacrifice of possibly hundreds more unharmed?
Say what you will, but I prefer the latter.
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Re: What's the point? - January 11th 2010, 01:08 AM

Hey-

I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now. I can unfortunately relate as I too am not so excited about continuing to live at the moment.

just wanted to encourage you to reach out for help to people in your life because it sounds like you may have a mental illness such as Depression. Many Mental illnesses like depression are treatable with medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes such as eating balanced meals and getting enough sleep. It is however very very hard to go it alone. Your life is valuable, and with treatment things CAN get better.

all that having been said- how do you know for sure death is better than life? i think most people who consider suicide are crossing their fingers that your spirit doesn't live on after death.

but there are a lot of people and religions who don't believe that. in a lot of religions that believe in heaven and hell- like christianity- suicide is just as bad as murder and is a ticket to hell. i dont believe in hell, but a lot of people do, so its good to take it into consideration, just in case. people say hell may be a lot of different things- but none of them sound all that fun. and its an eternity of feeling like shit where you cant kill yourself.

some eastern religions believe in incarnation. but that seems risky too. i mean, what if you come back as a child sex slave or something? that would suck.

what i'm getting at here is:
LIFE CAN GET BETTER, BUT DEATH MAY LEAD TO AN ETERNITY OF SUFFERING YOU CANT KILL YOURSELF TO ESCAPE.

Also I hate myself a lot. think im a dissappointment. think i'm a screw up. but i also think the world is a better place because of its screw ups, and losers, and out casts, and sinners, and freaks. there are a lot more of us than you would think, and i don't think just because we're a minority means we should give in and conform or kill ourselves. weirdos do great things. most great artists and inventors had some major issues, but they are thought of as major contributors to our society. if you stick around, maybe you would help the world in some way even if it would just be being a kick butt parent some day, or being a mentor to a teen later in life or something.

the only thing you can count on is change, so why don't you stick around? This too shall pass. Things get better, things get worse, but it won't be this way for ever. Don't be afraid to ask for help. your life is valuable.

Feel free to VM or PM me anytime- I can relate.

Megan



When the patient's body has betrayed them,
and all the sciencewe have to offer has failed them,
when worst-case scenario comes true,
clinging to hope is all we've got left.
-grey's.anatomy-
   
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Re: What's the point? - January 11th 2010, 03:46 AM

"I've been around the block and back on the discussion of what I have to live, why not to kill myself, etc. And I just haven't been convinced that, after a year of conversations about it, that I've got a reason not to"

Ok, you say you have heard every reason why you shouldn't kill yourself, well here is my take on it. I am not going to insult you by giving you all the cliches I am going to talk to you like an adult, no BS.

From what you've said it seems like a lot of poeple don't give you a lot of respect, that they don't think very ighly of you. Maybe they even think you are loser. All killing yourself would do is prove them right. You seem like a jaded person and maybe you have a right to be, so this is what I propose. Don't kill yourself, prove to everyone that they were wrong and become a success (so you can flaunt it in front of them). You have a lot of passion and a lot of energy, put it to good use and who knows where you'll end up.

Also I've never beleived in anything. When you die ur dead: thats it, game over, end of story etc. Man if you are anything like me when I was ur age (and u seem like it) you probably change ur mind more than you change your socks. I bet that the second you took those pills you would change ur mind.

There is a lot to live for, and as for the whole '"what's more selfish? letting more and more people get attached to you, only to die 50+ years later, hurting all of those people, or letting people get attached to you, but ending it earlier, say, in 35 days from now, and hurting those people more, at the sacrifice of possibly hundreds more unharmed? " thing, well who gives a crap if other poeple might get hurt in 50 years, live for yourself.

Life is worth living even if you dont see it now.


Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why.
Kurt Vonnegut
Be content with what you are, and wish not change; nor dread your last day, nor long for it.
Marcus Aurelius
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill
   
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Re: What's the point? - January 11th 2010, 09:06 PM

It's not that people don't give me enough respect, they give me that, but I just don't see a reason to live anymore. And say I do change my mind after taking the pills. So what? Even if I suddenly see a false glimmer of hope then, it won't matter. Because if, by some unfortunate miracle, I survive, my life is only going to get worse. My parents would want to know the entire story, My friends would give me hell for not telling them, and everyone else would shun me as the "emo kid". I don't want that. I also don't want to continue living.
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