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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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I'm not okay. - January 12th 2010, 01:56 AM

I'm being hurtled into my depression again. It always happens when I have to go back to Collegetown. And why wouldn't it? I mean, my only two friends live in my hometown. In Collegetown, I'm invisible. I try to make friends, but no one really gives me the time of day. I live with my sister and her best friend there, but I find no refuge at our apartment. Those two treat me beyond disrespectfully. They talk down to me, even though I'm more mature than them, and I'm not good for anything but cooking and cleaning to them. It's a very rare thing for me to feel happy there, and when I do feel happy, it never lasts longer than a few minutes. Why? Because my happiness makes my sister irrationally furious. She says my laughter is to her like nails on a chalkboard, and that I find the most retarded things funny. I'm sorry that I don't turn EVERY FREAKING SENTENCE into a "That's what she said" joke! I like the Office as much as the next guy, but my sister and roommate take that way too far. I never get the time to do any art therapy either. Every time I sit down to do some writing or drawing, my sister barges into my room and annoys the crap out of me because she's bored and wants to do something. I'm not at all like her though! I don't need to be constantly doing something with other people to be entertained! All I've ever really needed was a pen and paper. I'm happiest with pen/pencil and paper. I can do pretty much anything with those two things. My sister just doesn't understand that about me.

But these things are EXACTLY what I'm going back to tomorrow morning. No more inside jokes with my friends...no more art therapy...no more people who give a shit. Only a forced endurance of the worst experience until May. All I can do to find some sort of hope is to count down the days until I get to travel back to Hometown. Trust me when I say it's not enough.

I can't even do anything with my friends one last time tonight before I go back. They're busy.

OH! And a few more things that's been bothering me: Overbearing and demanding family members who will never understand me and lie to my face, and my sick dog. My parents are totally overbearing, yet they never listen to me. The other night I went to a friend's birthday party; it was a sleepover. I'd been talking nonstop about it for a week because I was so excited. That night, my parents freaked out because I didn't come home. A) I told them EXACTLY where I'd be every single day for a week! B) I'm an ADULT and don't need to check in with my mommy! I'm turning 20 this year, damnit! When my mom was my age, she was pregnant with her second child and married! My grandma was telling me how cool it was that my friends and I know exactly who we are and do what we love, but then she turned around and told my sister that we need to grow up! I'm sorry that we like Spongebob, doing arts and crafts together, and will never drink! She thinks that girls my age should be out partying and being promiscuous so we can live life to the fullest. She thinks we need to explore our world fully. I say that's completely irresponsible and self-disrespectful. We already know who we are and who we want to be. Why should that bother anyone? And why should that mean that we need to be ridiculed or lied to?

The topic of my sick dog is the only one that doesn't make me furious...just really depressed. He's been sick on and off for a year and a half--since I went away to college. Recently, he's gotten worse. The vets have no idea what's wrong with him and my parents don't have a few thousand dollars to spend on surgery for him. On Christmas Eve, I overheard my stepdad say (without much remorse) that my dog might not make it to May. Being away from my little puppy for school has been so hard for me in the first place...I don't know what I'd do if I lost him. He gets so sad when I'm gone.

I hate going back to Collegetown. Every time I do, it feels as though my world is burning with me trapped in the middle. That feeling doesn't ever go away until I come back to Hometown...I just get used to it...mostly.


-B
--

R.I.P. my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much more than you could have ever imagined.


"There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.-Gerard Way
   
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Re: I'm not okay. - January 12th 2010, 03:45 AM

I'm sorry to hear that things are difficult for you, and I hope they get better. Have you considered moving out and living on your own? If that's not an option then maybe you could lock your door and tell your sister you're studying. Or go to a library or cafe or just somewhere where you can have time to be alone.

As for May, is there any chance you could transfer to a college closer to your hometown, or are you already at the closest one? I think you shouldn't give up on making friends, though. If there are any places around your town that describe "you", then there's a chance you'll find people like you. Don't ever change who you are, though, because I'm the same. People don't understand why I don't want to have sex with every person who asks. It's good that you know who you are, so don't ever lose that. When people ridicule you, be confident in the fact that you're who you want to be. It seems like you already are.

Whatever you do, though, you can't keep going the route you're going if it's not going to make you happy. Start off with small things that are bugging you and work your way up into fixing the bigger problems. I really hope you find solutions.


Waitin' for my ruca.
   
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Re: I'm not okay. - January 12th 2010, 04:12 AM

Things will most definitely get better in May. My sister and other roommate are graduating and moving out. My two best friends are moving in for the remainder of our college career. So it wouldn't make any sense for me to move or transfer to a different college. Besides, I'm already at the closest university (there's a community college in my hometown. I didn't go because I needed to move away from my parents).

I'd go somewhere in town that describes me, as you say, but the college is pretty much the entire town. Seriously, even the Walmart here (which is supposed to be 24 hours) closes at 10 pm. There's really nowhere for me to go. I'll never lose who I am though. I did once in middle school and I hated who I became.

I've been trying to fix the little things that contribute to my depression, but something or someone usually prevents that from happening. Usually it's a family member. No one in my family listens to me, respects me, or believes me about anything. When I get frustrated over it, they tell me that I take things too seriously. But honestly, I've never heard or seen them treat someone the way they treat me. Most of my problems contributing to my depression stem from my family. I try talking to them but as I said before, they just won't listen. I remember I tried talking to my mom about two years ago about feeling disrespected. It really seemed as though she was listening, and maybe she was at the time. But the effects of our conversation wore out after a day. It's as if we never talked.

One my friends move in though and I can distance myself from my family more, things should be better. I'll finally have someone to talk to who understands me, believes me and respects me. I'm just counting down the days.

Thank you so much for your comment, by the way. To know that there's someone in the world who cares means so much to me.


-B
--

R.I.P. my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much more than you could have ever imagined.


"There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.-Gerard Way
   
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Re: I'm not okay. - January 13th 2010, 12:36 AM

Hey-

I'm sure as heck not religous but AMEN! to not needing to screw every other guy on campus and get wasted every weekend to have a good time! I'm in high school (unforutnately currently a tiny less than 60 person highschool ) and i don't party, am not religous, or play sports so its really hard to find new people to hang out with. Are there any groups on campus that interest you? Any clubs or activities? Any place near by you could take a yoga class or maybe meet new people by doing volunteer work at a shelter? I'm going to be taking a photography class this spring, and maybe yoga, so hopefully i'll meet some people there.

Sorry to hear you are struggling. just wanted to let you know you are NOT the only one out there dealing with this stuff, and I totally support you!


Megan



When the patient's body has betrayed them,
and all the sciencewe have to offer has failed them,
when worst-case scenario comes true,
clinging to hope is all we've got left.
-grey's.anatomy-
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I'm not okay. - January 13th 2010, 07:44 AM

Thank you so much. I'm trying my hand in some different classes. I'm taking beginning ballroom, so maybe I'll meet some cool people there. I'm also in an intermediate fiction writing class. Hopefully I'll meet a writer or two in there who aren't super self-absorbed. I'm definitely forcing myself to be sort of outgoing and talk to some people. I guess we'll see what happens in a few hours (first day back today...not excited).

Good luck in high school! I know it's a difficult place, but I really enjoyed my time there.


-B
--

R.I.P. my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much more than you could have ever imagined.


"There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.-Gerard Way
   
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