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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
brunettexo Offline
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Why shouldn't I kill myself? - January 13th 2010, 02:04 AM

I am a 15 year old girl.
I have very few friends.
The friends I do have are not even worth mentioning.
My mother treats everyone, including me, horribly.
She makes me cry every single day.
I have had upwards of 12 full time nannys since I was a baby that have taken care of me because she couldn't be bothered to.
I love riding horses but am not good at it at all and somehow it always seems to add more stress into my life. This has driven me to like it less and less and it has gotten to the point where going to the barn makes me feel worse, not better.
The only time I have ever kissed a boy it was a joke being played on me.
Now I rarely talk to boys because if I do it never ends well.
I have a huge and irrational fear of not choosing the correct path for myself which also causes me much stress and pain.
I fear I have no people skills and this is irreversible.
The only person I ever felt truly close to betrayed and abandoned me with nothing more than a text message. I haven't seen her since.
I hate myself.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself? - January 13th 2010, 02:23 AM

You shouldn't kill yourself because no matter how much you might think differently, you CAN change your life. If horse riding makes you feel horrible, don't do it. Find something you love doing, such as painting or surfing or writing. Expand on whatever you find, like going to a class, and you're sure to meet new people. Or join a club at school. Or talk to a lonely (cute, preferably) nerd (I got a super cool friend out of it).

Just know that whatever path you choose, it's all yours. You can graffiti on it or add disco balls. If someone leaves you, think, "Man, sucks for them. They won't get to party in my sweet path." I don't know, that's just what I think. It makes me feel better to know that my life is all mine. It's blank when I'm born and it's just sitting there for me to decorate.

Don't hate yourself. You're a beautiful human. I'm in a very good mood right now and I hope you can share that mood with me. So know that even if things don't get better now, they can later.

Waitin' for my ruca.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself? - January 13th 2010, 02:46 AM

I'm sorry you're feeling so down in the dumps right now.

I just wanted to encourage you to reach out for help to people in your life if you feel you might act on your suicidal urges- mentors, doctors, teachers, etc. If you're having suicidal thoughts/urges you may have a mental illness such as Depression. Many Mental illnesses like depression are treatable with medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes such as eating balanced meals and getting enough sleep. It is however very very hard to go it alone. Your life is valuable, and with treatment things CAN get better. You've been alive this long. You've managed to not act on your urges this far. So I would guess that if you've been able to not do it until now, there must be some little part inside you that doesn't want to die. try to hang on to that tiny part.

it sounds like you're dealing with a LOT and its no wonder you feel so overwhelmed! but i don't think things are hopeless from what you've said. Highschool can suck, i know its sucking for me. Unfortunately i go to a teeny little cliquey school right now. but when i was in public school joining clubs helped me meet people who shared things in common with me.

your 15- less than three years till your out of the hell hole which is your current living situation! i know it seems like FOREVER but once your away from your parents abuse you'll probably feel a lot better.

not to mention- it probably won't stay shitty forever. i mean, you hear those crazy stories about those little kids kept in cages and raped who go on and have these kick ass lives. and it's like- why not me? why not you? a lot of people have shitty lives, and then things get way better. why not hang out and see if you can find the love of your life? or win the lottery? or maybe actually be happy? i mean, you can always kill yourself later.

but besides the fact that life can get better with help?

I hate myself a lot. think im a dissappointment. think i'm a screw up. it sounds like you think that about yourself too. but i also think the world is a better place because of its screw ups, and losers, and out casts, and sinners, and freaks. there are a lot more of us than you would think, and i don't think just because we're a minority means we should give in and conform or kill ourselves. weirdos do great things. most great artists and inventors had some major issues, but they are thought of as major contributors to our society. if you stick around, maybe you would help the world in some way, even if its just by being a kick ass father, or mentoring a teen who has no one to look up to when you are older.

also- a LOT of suicides get screwed up. what if you just ended up paralyzed or something? you'd be suprised how even things like shooting yourself can go wrong so easily.

okay- so lets say your suicide doesnt get messed up though?
what happens when you die?

i mean i think most people who consider suicide are crossing their fingers that your spirit doesn't live on after death.

but there are a lot of people and religions who don't believe that. in a lot of religions that believe in heaven and hell- like christianity- suicide is just as bad as murder and is a ticket to hell. i dont believe in hell, but a lot of people do, so its good to take it into consideration, just in case. people say hell may be a lot of different things- but none of them sound all that fun. and its an eternity of feeling like shit where you cant kill yourself.

some eastern religions believe in incarnation. but that seems risky too. i mean, what if you come back as a child sex slave or something? that would suck.

what i'm getting at here is:


So, that's why I think you shouldn't kill yourself.

feel free to pm or vm me any time.
you're not alone.

When the patient's body has betrayed them,
and all the sciencewe have to offer has failed them,
when worst-case scenario comes true,
clinging to hope is all we've got left.
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Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself? - January 13th 2010, 03:22 AM

you're young right now and at your age everything you face will feel 1million times worse. i understand how you feel. although my mother did not treat me horribly, she was rarely there for us. she left for another guy she'd been seeing for two years. you can't imagine the pain and heartbreak i feel. seeing other families is still difficult. i've felt moments too where i've wanted all the pain to simply end. But you know what it's not worth it. Time passes on. You're life is going to be filled with more pain, sadness, and anger but it will also have love, beauty, and happiness. Nothing is forever in life. I'll tell you this, at my age of 18- i have yet to have a boyfriend or have my first kiss, i've never had a real best friend, and i have no idea what my future is going to lead me to- something i should have decided a while ago. But it's okay, because life isn't perfect. If you want to make friends, try joining clubs or activities or sports at our school. Try going into student leadership. I was one of the most insecure, shyest girl you'd have ever met. But it never stopped me. Life is a challenge, living every single day is, but it's something you have to do. it's something you have to fight for and conquer. you have all of your life ahead of you, one day you'll meet a special person that will love you for everything you are, you'll get married, have kids, grow old. see life revolve around you. don't obsess about standards or perfections like most of it does, because when you release yourself from them- you find yourself. Find who you are first. But to get to that point, it'll take time. The only advice I can give you is to have no regrets in life, take it a step and at time, try new things. ask a guy out, you know they are just as shy as gals are.

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Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself? - January 15th 2010, 02:17 AM

I'm sorry about your mother treating you that way, but it won't always be like that. One day you will be able to save up money, get a full-time job or a couple of part-time ones and get your own apartment.
Boys aren't important and you don't have to worry about talking to them or even bothering with them. You're 15 and you have your whole life ahead of you, so you can deal with that later. As for the fact you feel suicidal, you shouldn't kill yourself because people would care if you died, people would be shattered, and people would miss you. Plus, you are only 15 and you have a full life to live ahead of you, and there's alot better things that will happen for you in the future. You just have to keep your head up and be a strong person, not let anyone bother you or bring you down.
Good friends always come along eventually who will make you happy, and won't betray you. I've been betrayed by them countless times, but by bad ones. I removed the bad people from my life, and I found even better friends, friends who I am thankful to have to this day.
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Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself? - January 15th 2010, 04:38 AM

Hey brunettexo

To help get you out of the house (if your mom will let you) volunteer. Go to the animal shelter or a horse rescue.

Never give up on the riding. Maybe all you need is a break. Or a trail ride.

And as for your 'friends', why do they treat you this way? They aren't true friends.

Go look up how to find yourself online. It may help.

If you want to travel, look up traveling for teens. National Geographic has a program that you can apply for a scholarship with.

I hope my post can help you. You'll soon be out of your house, so just hang in there.

Never Give Up On Your Dreams No Matter How Hard Or Big They May Seem..... Someday you will reach them...
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Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself? - January 15th 2010, 07:11 AM

I remember being fifteen. It was a really rough time for me. It's hard when you feel like no one cares and sometimes even when there is so much love around you it is difficult to see it or accept it. The first step to inviting love into your life is to love yourself. Fear is a powerful thing and it can prevent us from living our lives fully and happily. I hope you can muster the courage to face your fears and develop a more optimistic outlook towards life. Trust me, things do not have to be this way forever. I've found that by changing the way I think, I can manage to get through even the hardest of times because I never lose hope. You musn't lose hope. Stay strong and love yourself.

Much in little.
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Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself? - January 15th 2010, 07:43 AM

I'm not going to be 'nicey-nicey', but I am going to be straight forward on my opinion of suicide. Suicide is a waste of time, because you will die eventually as does everything. Everytime someone puts the knife to their neck, they think of all the things they wanted to do but couldn't. Not everything is achievable, but even a disabled person can be optimistic about their savataged life.

All you need is to set some personal goals, wait it out till you feel its the right time to shine. Trust me, there are millions of people like you who hate their lives - you are not alone. Even if you need to speak to people on the internet to give you a break from your headaches, its still an improvement. Many ex-suicidals come out being people who make a difference to others, and completely change their thought of life.

You are young, you have lots of stuff you can do.
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself? - January 15th 2010, 07:52 AM

Sorry if I repeat anything that was said above but I went through something completely similar to you. I hated everything about my life. My friends, my family, I just felt betrayed by everyone. I was going through depression when my mom had a mental breakdown and ended up in a psych ward for a whole month! When she came home she still wasn't better and she would say things to me that made me feel horrible about myself.

Bottom line: You can't let your mom get to you, especially if she treats EVERYONE horribly as well as you. That's not your fault then. That's just your mom. What you should know is that even if you can't change your mom, you can DEFINITELY change yourself.

Once you turn 18, all bets are off. You control your life, and you control the choices you make. Now I'm not saying when you turn 18 to go crazy and rebel and run away from home or something. All I'm saying is do what you wanna do, career wise, and school wise. You can do anything you put your mind to.

15 is such a young age you have no idea!!!! There's is sooo much to look forward to in your life. Some say that a person's life doesn't truly start until they reach their 20s.

I wanted to die once. For me, I was 13 or 14 and my life came to the point where I was convinced nothing could ever go right for me and that everything in my life was bad. Suicide was an option for me. I would say to myself, "oh well if this happens then I'll just kill myself and I won't have to deal with it." I came close a couple of times, but I never went through with it.

I thought I was a coward for not doing it, but with a lot of soul searching and nights crying myself to sleep I realized eventually that I was brave. I had the courage to face my fears and move on with my life.

On the boy thing: I'm 18 and I've never had a boyfriend!! and the same is true for most of my friends! Don't worry though your time will come. If you just gain some confidence boys will start looking at you differently as well. I learned that on my own.

Have faith in yourself, I do. Feel free to message me directly if you ever want to talk.

Last edited by Italiangirl; January 15th 2010 at 07:55 AM. Reason: grammar
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Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself? - January 18th 2010, 02:09 PM

You shouldn't kill yourself because somewhere, in the world, there's someone who loves you so so much.
It might be someone here, it might be someone there. They could be everywhere.
And if you kill yourself, two lives will be ruined. Because your special person will never find who they're supposed to. And they'll be upset, depressed, and alone just like some of us are here now. But we won't always be this way. We can change how we are if we look at everything differently.
Boys aren't as important as people make them out to be. They're stupid, they break hearts, and lets face it, they can't smell good unless they spray on something that there is a 50-50% chance we're allergic to.
Don't worry about making decisions, let the decisions make themselves.

I hope I've helped at least a tiny bit. If you need anything else, anything at all. I promise you, with everything in my body, I'm here for you.
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Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself? - January 21st 2010, 04:07 AM

You are young. And most of these(if not all) reasons are because of other people just being bad people to you. Don't end your life because of them. Life is a gift but unfortunately you are experiencing the painful side of it. But you have to hold on. Many of those reasons will pass away with time and you will be happy but you have to hold on.

NB : Just because you haven't kissed a boy who is your boyfriend shouldn't be a reason. So don't let other bad people make you feel as if your life is worthless because it is not.

Last edited by Jacksonian; January 21st 2010 at 04:07 AM. Reason: correction
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Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself? - January 22nd 2010, 01:13 AM

If you need to talk:

call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 1-800-784-2433. What they do is talk and comfort you.

Call the Help Line which is 1-800-999-9999 but is a place where you can talk to someone about your problems for free. Its just like the suicide help line but not for people who are sucidal.
I HIGHLY RECCOMEND FOR KIDS/TEENS. but also good for adults.

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Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself? - January 22nd 2010, 04:26 AM

hi, i am the same age as you, and i have the exact same feelings! maybe we can hold on to each other, and know that at least if neither of us have anyone else, we can have each other to talk to. im here for you, even if u think the world isnt. pm me!

i want a hero.
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