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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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All Alone? - January 13th 2010, 03:55 AM

So I'm sitting here...
Wondering what my purpose is...
I have none
I have no happiness
No joy
I want to cut again
but I've quit
Everyone's looking at my smile
they're not seeing the torture I'm going through on the inside
Sometimes I just wanna lash out
Get a gun
Pull the trigger
Just like my dad
but I hate hurting people
I love making people smile
I just wanna crawl in a hole and die
people should stop lying to me...
My heart can't break much more...
Can it?
I hate everyone at my school
They laugh at me
Call me emo/goth
Because they're immature and aren't above labels
I'm not a can of soup ya know
Everyone I love lives far away
Inside myself I'm a deep dark hole
Whisking away from the world slowly
Breath by breath....
My heart aches
I can't smile
I can't stay happy worth shit
I keep messing up
Times I wanna let people in
but I'm afraid to get hurt more...
I need a joy in my life
A purpose
</3
What good is living if you're dead on the inside?


There is always hope...<3
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: All Alone? - January 13th 2010, 04:02 AM

Hey. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

I want to make one thing very clear: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

There are about 10,000 people here. And chances are every one of them cares about you. When you ask if your heart can be broken much more, you're probably right! It can only get BETTER. I know this probably doesn't help much, but remember that you're not alone and there are a lot of people right here (and even people you know personally) that DO care about you. It's not worth ending your life. There are other ways to cope besides ending your life. This action was, is, and will always be irreversable!
   
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Re: All Alone? - January 13th 2010, 04:11 AM

Hey-
I'm sorry you're feeling so down in the dumps right now, I can unfortunately completely relate.

just wanted to encourage you to reach out for help to people in your life because it sounds like you may have a mental illness such as Depression. Many Mental illnesses like depression are treatable with medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes such as eating balanced meals and getting enough sleep. It is however very very hard to go it alone. Your life is valuable, and with treatment things CAN get better.

I just wanted to point out your signature to you
"There is always hope"
There is hope for you too.
the only thing you can count on is change, so why don't you stick around? This too shall pass. Things get better, things get worse, but it won't be this way for ever. Don't be afraid to ask for help. your life is valuable.


Megan



When the patient's body has betrayed them,
and all the sciencewe have to offer has failed them,
when worst-case scenario comes true,
clinging to hope is all we've got left.
-grey's.anatomy-
   
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Re: All Alone? - January 13th 2010, 04:12 AM

Obviously the people at your school aren't even worth hanging around. The people who have lied aren't either. You do state, though, that you want to let people in. Let them in. It feels so good to just get everything off of your chest.

I think you kind of stated your purpose right there when you said, "I love making people smile." Then do it. If they're not completely horrible, then chances are they'll end up smiling, and you probably will, too. Smiling is contagious.

Find activities that bring you joy. For a while I didn't even want to leave my house, but I still kept from considering suicide by doing things like painting, playing instruments, and surfing. Even if it just eases the pain a little bit, everything counts.

Plus, you said you quit cutting? Like cwkguy said, it can get better, and you obviously are helping it along. You got over an action that millions have tried and failed to conquer, so be proud of yourself. I may not know you, but you're most likely a great person. Find that person inside of yourself and realize that you can do the things you want to do.


Waitin' for my ruca.
   
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Re: All Alone? - January 13th 2010, 04:20 AM

See...I don't want medication...cuz I feel like I'm cheating
&& ppl will find out and just make me feel worse.
yeah.....I quit cutting
Because my friend couldn't stand the sound of my skin ripping open
I quit because I didn't get that high anymore
Because I finally realized it did nothing for me but destroy me on the outside
It's like anorexia....but anorexia is on the inside
I try to have hope...that what its my signature
so everytime i read it i might finally believe it


There is always hope...<3
   
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Re: All Alone? - January 13th 2010, 04:26 AM

You know what? It's true! There is always hope!! Always, all day...every day! I know it feels hard. I know. Just hang on. Things will eventually improve in your favor.

Let me share something. NEGATIVE thoughts get you NOWHERE!!!

If you're constantly thinking "I feel so depressed and I hate my life and no one cares about me!", guess what! You will feel depressed and hate your life and no one will care about you.

BUT, if you think about the things you do well or visualize things being better, they WILL get better. Don't lose hope, it could take a while. But I promise you, if you focus on the positive, the positive is what will happen.
   
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Re: All Alone? - January 13th 2010, 05:12 AM

Hey there, and welcome to TH.

Unfortunately, pretending you are okay is one of the worst roads you can take when you are suffering from depression. Unless you address your emotions, they have a tendency to simply get even worse and harder to deal with over time. By ignoring these emotions whenever you can, and by trying to convince others that you are not struggling, may be be causing even more pain and depression for yourself in the future.

I truly think you need to talk to someone about this. If you don't feel comfortable addressing this with a friend or a family member, you could try a counselor or a teacher at school. Speaking up is such a struggle, I know. I've been there before, and it definitely wasn't easy. I remember first telling my mom that I self harmed, and showing her the cuts. That kind of confession will never be easy. But you need to look at yourself, and you need to realize that these negative emotions are NOT who you are. You need to realize this before you let them consume you and convince you otherwise.

There's a beautiful, smart, lovely girl beneath this depression, and you owe it to her to get the help that you deserve. Depression is an illness, and just like any other illness you need to take care of it before it spreads. If you were able to tell that you had cancer, you would practically run to the doctor in order to seek treatment. Depression is serious too, and if you don't get the treatment you need then, just like cancer, this sickness will only spread and worsen over time.

No one is saying you need to take medication. Don't worry about that right now. Your first step is to talk to someone about this, and let them know that you are struggling. Once you've done that, THEN and only then can you worry about what they may do in order to help you. But the biggest mistake you can make is to let yourself suffer in silence. You deserve to be happy, and you need to take this step in order to find that happiness for yourself.

I once came across a quote that told me "Hope never abandons us. We abandon hope." To me this means that regardless of the struggle, hope is always there to support us, and to bring us through. Hope never chooses to leave us on our own - we choose to walk away from it, and to believe that it has given up on us. But this will never be the case. You need to walk back to hope, and once you continue to believe that you have a fighting chance, you will feel 100% more hopeful. Believing in yourself is the key to finding hope.

You are still the girl you know and love, and you need to hold on to yourself. Don't let depression take over. Do all you can to keep this illness from spreading. And don't let anyone, including yourself, stand in the way of your own recovery.

If you ever need to talk, you're always welcome to PM me. Take care.





A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts


   
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Re: All Alone? - January 13th 2010, 05:17 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by NightOfNyx View Post
Hey there, and welcome to TH.

Unfortunately, pretending you are okay is one of the worst roads you can take when you are suffering from depression.
I have not suggested that she pretends she's fine. I simply think that she should focus on the positive when possible. Positive thinking does work.
   
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Re: All Alone? - January 13th 2010, 05:35 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by cwkguy View Post
I have not suggested that she pretends she's fine. I simply think that she should focus on the positive when possible. Positive thinking does work.
I agree with you that positive thinking really does help people out in a lot of situations. However, a lot of times when you are depressed it feels impossible to think positively. Depression causes people to think even more negatively than they usually would, and with every negative thought the brain begins to function differently, making it even harder for the person to think positively. Your idea is a good one, but I am simply stating that in seeking help she will find it easier to think positively over time, because positive thinking, as you have stated, is definitely the key to happiness. Once she speaks up and begins to work further past the depression, your advice will more than likely be easier for her to take.





A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts


   
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Re: All Alone? - January 14th 2010, 12:01 AM

^point taken.
   
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