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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
UltraViolet Offline
Emotionally Unstable
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Name: Lea
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: UK

Posts: 403
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Join Date: January 6th 2009

Two sides. - January 15th 2010, 02:08 PM

The only way to put this is confused

Before Christmas i started seeing a threapist, who honestly i dont really like. He's 'ok' i guess but he doesnt understand some of the things i say, how i phrase things, his English isn't that great which makes it harder. I was supposed to be doing the Cognitive behaviour threapy thing, which again i havent found helpful, but i knew thats how i would react, becasue I've seen 2 different counsellors before this, so i was going to stick at it.

I've been on new meds for about 5 months now, and the dose just keeps getting higher and higher, but i guess i needed that right? Cos nothing else has worked before. No other meds not other threapy...

I've had a long history with Sh and depression and sometimes things are brighter, but mostly the darkness clouds over and i lost myself, i become hopeless in despair,lonely and vunerable, i try to hide it but it never works.
My past is one of many short stories, each as strange as the next, all ending with my trust being broken, myself becoming more and more isolated and lonely, my hatred for people and my own self loathing could be seen as selfish, by those who dont understand. "Attention seeking" but how can it be attention seeking if no one knows? if no one ever talks to you? if you hide it, hide yourself? if you SH for 10 years, and only in the last year has anyone found out? how is that getting attention? its fading away, im fading away...

Anyway, now...
I feel confused. I've been in such a state over the last 10 years. especially the last 3 years,that i dont know who i am. who am i supposed to be?
I'm so afraid of the past (which sound ridiculas but its true) im afraid of my life now, and im worried, scared, excited, anxious, for the future, i dont want it to come. i keep thinking about death all the time, like many on TH iv tried to take my life 3 times, i dream about death, i see myself commiting suicide, and i feel happy in these dreams. i welcome death, to put me at ease, to make all of this go away, leave me in peace. forever asleep.
Right now i feel better, yesterday and today,but not completly.
I feel that i dont need the threapy, i dont want to ever go back, iv cancelled twice now. (the sign of already sinking into the darkness?)
I feel happier, not happy, just happier. i havent had as many urges to SH.
But i have had stronger urges to commit suicide. i feel guilty that im not feeling as down anymore, im not worth the happy feelings. it like i can only remember the sadness, i cant think when im in the brightness.
Although i feel slightly better, i still cant bring myself to move, to motavate myself, i want to do my uni work, i want to go and join the gym and get moving, i want the urge to get up in the morning, i dont want this constate ache inside me that tells me that i should just die.
I'm at a loss. Maybe a crossroads, but everythings telling me that getting better is just not worth it, but the small fight in me is there, trying to get out of this black hole. But its losing now, its dying before its had time to bloom.
I know whats happening dont i, Its ending, the hope that had a tiny piece of me convinced is dying.
I dont know what to do.
I want to fight, to somehow move, live, believe that i can do something.
But i also want to lie down, and never move, speak, talk, laugh, engage with anyone ever again. I want to die, fade away, i want the blackness to take over, take me away from here, where iv never fitted in, where i dont live i exist, run and run untill its safe to end it all, to never have to think again.

'thanks to you i never trusted...'
- Boy Kill Boy

This depression is a killer...
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Darrenboy! Offline
my long tongue is long.
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Re: Two sides. - January 16th 2010, 09:24 AM


You've went through a whole, whole lot. And therapists and meds do help to a certain extent. i definitely agree on that. But i'm really sure that whatevers happened in the past is the real reason for the depression.. no matter what, it is in the past... let all that go and you can move on... i understand that it'll not be easy.. but we all believe you can do it.

We are all in this together.. and don't you forget that.

I understand how it feels to go through one bad experience after another, and it feels so bad that it's gonna make you feel like shit's never ever gonna end... and that has led to you feeling depressed. But the fact remains that no matter what happens,

EVERY cloud has a silver lining.

I know it's hard to believe that for the moment, but the fact remains that sometimes things do get better. and if you really make an effort to make things better, and REALLY try to improve everything .. everything will start changing for the better. you have to learn to trust people again, but also learn who you can trust.. trusting the wrong people will only lead to bad things.. but the RIGHT people... will change your life and bring happiness into it like never before.

learn to trust again.. i know it sounds hard and is probably not going to be easy.. but trust the right person and probably every bad thing in your mind about all these depression... will be gone for good

and did i already mention that we are always around? because we always are .

Those who have went through more pain than everyone else, and want to protect anyone and everyone they know and care for from that pain, are stronger than everyone.

we come, we help, we stick and never leave. pm me anytimeee!

Official member of the completely Unofficial free hugs Club !

I'm firing mah Hugs!
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