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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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detailsofourwar Offline
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Sorry this is really long..I just needed to get some stuff off my chest.. - January 29th 2009, 11:22 PM

So throughout the years I've come to realize that I have a really hard time letting go of things.. Maybe it's the fact that I tend to keep things to myself for ridiculous amounts of time until the pressure builds up and I'm about ready to explode..

So it all started around the time when I was about 8 years old..approximately 9 years ago.. My dad would go to my uncle's house every Friday to play cards and whatnot, and I have a cousin who is 4 years older than me.. so whenever we went over there I would always wind up playing video games or watching tv with my cousin. Me and him never really got along.. he's had a lot of problems with his mom when he was really young (he eventually got taken out of her care and sent to live with my uncle, who is his grandfather) anyways.. he always seemed to take his anger and frustration out on me. Sometimes he would be perfectally calm..other times he would be swearing at me..chasing after me, just trying to scare me in general. Things didn't really get any better.. One day my dad and I went to my uncle's house and I went upstairs to hang out with my cousin and next thing I know he closes and locks the door. He forces me to sit on his lap while he watched some stupid show and he started touching me. I had no idea what to do.. I was pretty scared of him just because of how he had always treated me and because of his size (he had always been pretty obese and he was just a scary person).. I didn't want to know what he would do if I told anyone so for years I kept everything that he did to me locked inside.

I remember a few years later my aunt and uncle had him shipped off to a boarding school because he had a serious behavorial problem. Anyways.. when he finally came back me and my dad stopped by again..this time me and him when in the basement (my aunt and uncle pretty much live down in the basement, they have everything there and they like to keep their upstairs clean) butyeah..so my uncle and my dad were outside (either that or they were upstairs) and I remember my cousin took a few belts and tied me down to a chair and forced me to watch a porno with him.. it was so messed up, but once again I had no idea what to do.. I couldn't tell anyone.

To make situations better, he wanted to show me how they disciplined him in boarding school. He told me to sweat at him.. I refused, but he forced me to.. and when I did he threw me to the ground and sat ontop of me.. I couldn't breathe at all.. I don't even know how I managed to get out the words "I can't breathe" because it was really that bad..

There's one thing that pisses me off to no end.. About 4 years ago at my cousin's graduation party, I had invited one of my friends to come with me because I didn't want to be stuck there by myself with him again.. so my friend came and my cousin started acting like a douchebag. He had a crush on my friend and at one point he pinned her up against a washing machine.. nothing bad, he was just trying to be the asshole that he was and use his size to his advantage. Anyways, he never did anything to her except just not let her get away from the washing machine.. and to this day I still have to listen to her say "I can't believe your disgusting cousin pinned me up against a washing machine" and she acts like it's such a big deal.. and she's one of the few people that I've told (at least part of what) he had done to me in the past.. and it's like she brags about it.. she brings it up so much and it's like seriously, shut up. I'm sick of listening to you complain about this because this is absolutely nothing compared to what he has put me through..

Something that has always bothered me is that one time I was telling my aunt about how my cousin had stolen a lego from my older brother and her exact words were "oh no, Chris would never do anything like that.." how could you say that?!? you don't even know how messed up your own grandson is..and to say that he wouldn't steal a lego is such an understatement especially considering what he had done to me not that long before this situation.

These things never seem to end..

Everyone in my family (except for me) was born in Portugal.. so of course I have a ton of family over there.. I don't remember when, but it had to have been like 5 years ago, maybe 6.. one of my uncles had stopped by the house and me and my cousin Sandra were outside with him and all of a sudden he started feeling me up. I felt so friggen awkward.. and I was just like wtf.. and next thing I knew (a few years later) we found out he had commited suicide.. =/

And here we go again..

I have another cousin that lives in Portugal.. and the last time I was there I had slept over my cousin Sandra's house and my cousin Claudio knew that I was there.. so he stopped by the next morning to see Sandra and her little brother..and I'm a pretty light sleeper..and I woke up when he walked into the room, but I just tried to go back to sleep. Next thing I know, he's turning me over and trying to kiss my forehead and all I could think was oh god I can't open my eyes.. I had no idea what he was going to do and I was hoping that if I kept pretending that I was sleeping that he would go away, but no.. My cousin Sandra left the room and I heard him taking his belt off and I could feel my heart racing.. I was so so so so thankful that Sandra came into the room within a minute or so, before anything happened.. I don't know if she knew what he was going to do.. I never got around to telling her any of it..

Woo.. more stories. I'm sorry, like I said.. I have A LOT that I just need to get off my chest and this feels like the only place I could do it..

So the beginning of my freshman year I got into a relationshop with a senior. Everything seemed so perfect. We never got into any arguements and it felt like we could have spent every day with eachother and never have a dull moment. Everything went fine for two months.. and then one day I noticed something different about him. I got to school in the morning and he wouldn't look at me.. he wouldn't hold my hand.. I literally had to put my hand in his pocket so that I could get his hand out to hold it.. I could tell that something wasn't right.. I went to go to first period and he wouldn't give me a kiss so I was just like whatever, but I eventually got one out of him.. so that first period and I didn't really think much of it, but after first period was over I met up with him and he handed me a note saying that "we need to talk" and we all know what thoughts come into one's head when they hear those words.. I spent all of the next period (my spanish class) crying.. I tried so hard not to think about it, but I couldn't help it.. that class went by.. then came Algebra.. I sat through that doing pretty much the same thing..Algebra ended and then came time for Science.. my lunch period.. me and Derek had the same lunch.. so all I could think of was how things were going to go..what exactly he wanted to talk about (I knew what it was.. but I was really hoping otherwise..) Blah blah blah..lunch time came and I walked up to the table he was sitting at and I could barely stop crying to ask him what he wanted to talk about.. and then he gave me that long.. and I couldn't even take it.. I hate crying infront of people, but all I could do was walk away crying. I wanted to be right next to him, but at the same time I wanted to be so far away from him.. He was everything to me. I don't understand why he broke up with me, but I figured it was for this other girl, Maria, because him and her had been talking a lot on Myspace and whatnot (and about exactly a month after our break up he started dating her) One thing that pissed me off was the fact that he would never tell me why he broke up with me. He tells me it was because of the age difference, but I know there's something else to it, but all he said was "you wouldn't understand." The funny thing about all this is that recently last year he dated someone a year younger than me. Yeah, thanks buddy. It really sucked though.. it took me such a long time to get over him.. two years to be exact.. I remember I would cry everytime I saw him.. and I couldn't help but to think of everything that we had and how much I wished things were still that way..

Onto one of the biggest complications in my life.. ever.

Me and this boy started talking quite a bit.. we started to fall for eachother and things were going just peachy. I'm going to shorten this up a bit because I really don't feel like talking about it a whole lot because it's still pretty fresh in my mind.. Anyways.. things were going great, but we never really got into a "relationship" but it kind of felt like we were.. But yeah. I remember we used to talk on the phone every single night for hours at a time and I loved how I could just talk to him about anything.. I've always been a quiet person, but when me and him were wicked close I started to open up a bit more.. Okay.. let's skip a bit.. one day he called me and he was pretty drunk and he started telling me that he wanted to be with two people (me and this other girl that he goes to college with, who went to high school with me) and that hurt me so much, mainly due to that "a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts".. blech..but after he told me that me and him started getting more distant and I started to get so depressed.. I would be talking to him on the phone and then all of a sudden we would both get quiet and I would just start bawling my eyes out.. and he knew it and he felt horrible.. and then of course I started to feel worse because I didn't want him to feel like it was his fault.. even thought it kind of was.. but I don't know =/

Things got worse.. I started to get severely depressed. I would spend all my time locked in my room..away from my family.. away from my friends.. I didn't want to talk to anyone..I remember I used to say stupid things and he would always try to make me feel better.. He made me promise him that I wouldn't do anything stupid.. and I also told myself a few times that I wouldn't let myself do anything.. but that didn't last long. My parents left one afternoon to drop my nephew off at his mom's house and I found myself sitting at a table with a bottle of pills.. I kept telling myself no, but I couldn't stop myself.. I took 22. And I probably would have kept going if I didn't start to feel naseaous. I wento to my room.. closed the door.. turned the tv on and took a nap..slightly hoping I'd never wake up again. I woke up a few hours later (around 7pm) because I had to puke.. and then after that I was fine until around 11pm.. after that I started puking just about every half hour.. At a little bit past midnight I called that boy because I was so scared.. I didn't want to tell him what I had done, but within a half hour I gave in and told him.. he told me to go fill up a water bottle so i went to the bathroom right next to my room (it was the closest thing to me atm) and i turned on the light and looked in the mirror and my face was so incredibly pale.. not to mention I felt wicked lightheaded.. but I never told him that.. anyways.. he stayed on the phone with me until 4:30 AM.. he kept telling me that I needed to tell my parents, but I couldn't do it.. my dad left for work at 4:30AM..and my mom at 5:30AM..and I kept telling him that I would tell them, but honestly, I just wanted to wait until they left.. after they were gone I told him I would call him back in a little bit.. he figured I was going to go tell my parents, but I was just so tired all I wanted to do was sleep.. I had gotten no sleep at all because of having to puke every half hour and then he kept making sure I wouldn't fall asleep.. so anyways.. I got off the phone with him and I got about an hours worth of sleep before he got worried and called me back because I hadn't called him.. he was really pissed to find out that I had gone to sleep.. and he told me that I needed to get help.. that I needed to call 911, but I couldn't do it.. and after about 10 minutes of argueing about that I finally told him "..you do it.." and the ambulance got there about 7 or so minutes after that.. around 7AM and I felt so stupid.. I kept getting questioned.. and treated like shit.. and it didn't get better once I got to the hospital.. and again when I got transfered to another one..

I was stuck in the hospital for 3 days.. they kept trying to get me to go to a mental hospital, but I flipped out.. I hate being around a bunch of people that I don't know and that wasn't going to help at all.. It took so much to talk them out of bringing me there.. Instead, I got put into this program where I was supposed to go everyday from 2-6 and it was supposed to be some group counseling crap, and that was supposed to last roughly 4 months as opposed to being put into the hospital for a week or two.. Okay, whatever, atleast I got to sleep in my own bed.. in my own room.. but after 2 weeks of attending that program I started going crazy. I started getting depressed again.. I couldn't handle it. I didn't have time for myself anymore. I didn't have time to do my homework. I was falling behind on so many thing. Going to school from 7:30-1:45 and then getting picked up at 1:45 to go to the program from 2-6 was horrible..

One day when my dad came to pick me up out of the program he let me drive home (I had my permit at the time) and I was so frustrated with everything.. I'm a quiet person so I didn't really talk to anyone there.. it's just who I am.. and they kept forcing me to talk to the people there, and I couldn't do that.. they weren't going to let me out of the program until I met that "goal." Maybe it was for my own good, but I really didn't care.. it was hurting me so much.. the drive home that day was horrible. I cried my eyes out the whole way home.. I could barely see the road.. I was yelling at my dad telling him that I wasn't going there anymore.. I didn't care if they were going to force me to go.. I couldn't put up with that anymore.. The next day my dad called one of the guys there and he managed to get me out of there. He was supposed to bring me to a therapist in exchange for being taken out of the program, but I told him no and thankfully he didn't make me..

Enough of that..

Right now things are starting to go down hill again and I'm not liking the looks of it =/

blah.. sorry this was so long.. I'm going to stop right here because I really don't want to go anymore into this.. but yeah.. basically all of this has been on my mind lately and it's been wicked hard..
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Sorry this is really long..I just needed to get some stuff off my chest.. - January 30th 2009, 07:41 PM

Gah.. this was so stupid and pointless.

I just wish I had someone that would listen.. I wanted to tell Mitch about everything when I talked to him last night.. but I couldn't do it.. I just don't feel like I can open up to people that I'm close with.. =/
   
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Re: Sorry this is really long..I just needed to get some stuff off my chest.. - January 31st 2009, 01:31 AM

Hey, I just wanted to let you know I read everything and I'm here for you, ok? I hope things get better for you.

Sorry I'm not writing a longer post. It's 3am and I know if I do I'll fall asleep in the middle of writing it. I'll try to come sometime tomorrow and write a bit more if my parents don't chain me to my homework -.-

Take care, stay strong


~Cody

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Re: Sorry this is really long..I just needed to get some stuff off my chest.. - January 31st 2009, 02:18 AM

I'm so sorry. You must be incredibly strong to get through all that. Nobody should have to, and it's normal that you feel depressed; who wouldn't? The only advice I can give you is never go into a room with any guy like your cousin alone. Ever. And remember that the problem is not you. You sound like a great person who's had a whole bunch of bad stuff happen to her, but you're getting through it. You deserve a chance at a good life, and I know you can make it through this. I'm always here if you need anything, always feel free to PM me. Stay strong!
~Talia


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Re: Sorry this is really long..I just needed to get some stuff off my chest.. - January 31st 2009, 05:33 AM

Hey!
Just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you.
You've been through quite a lot and must be feeling rather hurt.
Don't be afraid to cry, it makes one feel better. Like at least a little load is taken off.
Feel free to pm if you want to talk!
Take care
Hugs
Natty


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In a world that she can't rise above.
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved.

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As wild and as reckless as thunder over the land.
Racing with the eagle, soaring with the wind.
Flying? There were times I believed I could."




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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
detailsofourwar Offline
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Re: Sorry this is really long..I just needed to get some stuff off my chest.. - January 31st 2009, 09:19 AM

Thanks everyone..

I've been trying to stay strong, but it's so hard..

This whole past week has been so ridiculous.. It seems like all that's been happening is me and my mom have been getting into so many fights and last night I had the final straw..

I need to talk to someone so I IMed Mitch on AIM mobile and I let everything out.. and I was telling him about how my mom hates how I look..she constantly tells me to look in the mirror and it hurts so much.. and then he tell me that he thinks I'm pretty and that he wouldn't lie to me.. Of course, in response I said something along the lines of "I really don't think I'd care that much if you did lie to me anyways.. I'm used to people lying to me.. I'm pretty much numb to it by now.. andplus, my whole life is practically one big lie.." and the last thing he said to me was "LIZ I WOULDNT FUCKING LIE TO YOU" and right after I read that I shut off my phone and just laid there.. It's like this is the reason why I never talk to anyone..
   
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Re: Sorry this is really long..I just needed to get some stuff off my chest.. - January 31st 2009, 09:53 AM

Heyy Liz.
I read your post and you've had such a tough time, it's not fair.
It's completely okay to feel down, noone should ever get at you for that. Ever. Suicidal thoughts are a really difficult thing to come through, but remember, life is a game. We can stop playing, and lose, but then everyone around us loses too. Or we can keep playing, and we can win, just by keeping playing, and everyone around us will win with us. Thinking that way got me through alot.
You sound so strong, and such a wonderful person, you might be a bit different, and have had different experiences, but that makes you an Individual. And an Amazing Individual at that

If you want to talk to someone confidentially, who is non judgemental, and online the majority of the time (I have no life :P) I'm almost always about. Or you can email me at angel--wolf@hotmail.co.uk or add me on MSN/Windows Live. I won't get stressed at you or anything. Really. I'm very relaxed.

Keep holding on sweetie, and I send my best wishes!
Wolfie xx
   
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Re: Sorry this is really long..I just needed to get some stuff off my chest.. - January 31st 2009, 05:02 PM

Thanks WingedWolf.. I sent you an email, not sure if you got it though..
   
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Re: Sorry this is really long..I just needed to get some stuff off my chest.. - January 31st 2009, 08:06 PM

Because things can't get much worse..
I tried talking to Mitch and told him I was sorry for shutting my phone off on him last night..and he wouldn't respond.. He hasn't tried talking to me at all today..

And now, my stupid mother has been refusing to talk to me thanks to a petty arguement we had this morning. Ugh.. this is so friggen ridiculous...
   
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Re: Sorry this is really long..I just needed to get some stuff off my chest.. - February 1st 2009, 10:46 PM

I hate this.
Why the heck is it so hard to just be happy?
Why can't he just talk to me and pretend that he cares?
Apparently I'm just asking for too much..

Everything keeps piling on top of everything else and this load is getting too hard to carry..

I'm just thankful I have one thing to look forward to that's keeping me here..
   
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Re: Sorry this is really long..I just needed to get some stuff off my chest.. - February 1st 2009, 11:04 PM

Hey, sorry, but I don't have the time to read it all, seeing as how I REALLY should get to bed, but I just want you to know that we'll always be here for you.
   
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Re: Sorry this is really long..I just needed to get some stuff off my chest.. - February 2nd 2009, 04:09 PM

I hate how my mom barely lets me have any control over my own life.
I'm 17.. I'll be 18 in 10 months and 8 days. She treats me like I'm 5.
Joining the fire department is something that I have wanted to do for the past two years or so.. and my friend joined back in November and I just got my physical done about 2 or 3 weeks ago so that I could join.. My friend tried getting a hold of me yesterday morning to tell me to head down to the station, but she had the wrong number so I never got the text..

I got to talk to her last night and this Sunday is the day.. I'll finally be heading down to the station to become a member. I was telling my mom that I'll be going on Sunday and she said "Oh you're in such a hurry to join the fire department" in a rude tone and it pissed me off. She doesn't understand that this is something I really want to do.

What does she have to worry about anyways? I won't even be able to do a whole lot. My only option right now is to take a MRT class at the end of February.. and once I pass that class I can take EMT. I won't even be allowed to enter into buildings that are on fire until I take Fire 1 (and I can't take that until I turn 18) And chances are, I'm not even going to be in this state when I turn 18, so how much can possibly go wrong? The chances of something happening to me are slim to none. All I'm going to be able to do is ride in a fire truck and help out the other firefighters, as well as going on medical calls. Not to mention, I most likely won't be in this state when I turn 18..at least I hope that's the case. I've applied to a few colleges up in Massachusetts and I'm really hoping that I get accepted.. if I do end up going to school in Mass I'll probably transfer to a fire department there and my mom won't have much say in it..

I just hate how she thinks she can run my life..
   
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Re: Sorry this is really long..I just needed to get some stuff off my chest.. - February 2nd 2009, 05:14 PM

Once you're 18 she won't be able to do anything about it. Don't even worry about it. You can live your life the way you want to, and I know you can live it well.


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