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-   -   I'm no masochist....but... (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f11-depression-suicide/t35617-im-no-masochist-but/)

Kiddo January 24th 2010 02:26 AM

I'm no masochist....but...
Depression is something that's always associated with suffering and pain, the need for it all to end etc etc.
I know that, and I know I feel it. But I've come to realise that a part of me enjoys it.
Perhaps "enjoy" is not the word, but for want of a better, it will have to do.

It's what I know.
I like that wrench in the stomach throughout the day, the guilty relationship I have with alcohol and drugs, the bitter thrill I get from saying "I'm always alright" when I know I'm anything but.

I like that little stabbing feeling in my abdomen when we quote bits of Hamlet in my Lit. classes ("But break my heart, for I must hold my tongue") and I know that everyone else is going "Hmmmm, what can that mean?...isn't that fascinating".

I like being on the edge of tears all day, and then crying silently throughout the night about absolutely nothing specific.

I like lying in my bed, in a listless ennui that begets this tinnitus-like misery, for hours and just feeling the tingling all over me that seems to press and hold me there.
(and as you can see, I like the pretentious twaddle that runs through my head when I'm there.)

I like thinking about the stars and the universe - and how small they make me feel.
I like thinking about homeless people and the ones that help them - and how guilty it makes me feel.
I like thinking about the future, university etc. - and how unlikely it all seems.

And I absolutely hate it. All of it. It's completely ruining me.

thisiscourtney January 24th 2010 05:20 AM

Re: I'm no masochist....but...
I'd say we share very similar views on our depression. Often I find myself thinking, "Where would I be without it?" I feel like it's something that defines me, which is the reason I don't want to let it go. I don't know if that's the case for you, but as you may already be aware, it isn't healthy. So the first step would be getting help and getting past it, which you might oppose, but the way I see it is that if you get past it, when you're all better it can still be a part of you. You can say, "I lived through it. It defines who I am because I'm a survivor."

...Sorry if that made no sense. I'm just babbling on.

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