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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Sinking - January 25th 2010, 02:32 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've been dealing with depression for not too long, mayb a year or so, but in the last half a year its gotten pretty bad. i started cutting, and i stopped for awhile, and then i went back, and it just feels like a constant battle. and its gotten so bad, and i was considering drugs, to "mellow" myself out, but my freinds (obvisouly) strongly advice against it. and i have suicidal thoughts all the time, i consider them "normal" and im just rambling.
the point is, i know im screwed up, i know there is a chance of this killing me, but i dont want help. my freinds say i need it, everyone says i need it, but i dont want it. i want to stay like this, knowing how harmful (and potentially fatal) this is.
what is wrong with me?
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Re: Sinking - January 25th 2010, 02:52 AM

It seems like you want it because it's what you're accustomed to. You're still alive, so there has to be some part of you that still has hope. One thing you could do is target the issues that you think are causing the pain and bring them out. Talk to someone about them. Keeping your feelings inside may only cause you to fall deeper.


Waitin' for my ruca.
   
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Re: Sinking - January 25th 2010, 02:58 AM

Im not in a great mood either half of the time. And i've probably lived into the same Bs that you have. But the difference is i turned to drugs which didnt help me. You want help but i dont think you can 100% accept the fact that you need it. I need help we all do.
The point is to not give in, trust me, once you get out of it, you'll forget everything that has been said
   
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Re: Sinking - January 25th 2010, 03:19 AM

my freind thinks it is related to my dad, but i dont know, im not really sure, and i dont want to talk about it with him.
its just i sometimes see myself pushing MYSELF down further, and i dont get why im doing that, and why i need to/ want to do that, and its just getting worse, but ive kinda accepted i cant do anythin and its not gonna get better


I guess there comes a point where you just have to stop trying because it hurts to much to hold on anymore


Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh, I'm falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the guy I am...isn't me
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Re: Sinking - January 25th 2010, 03:24 AM

Well the solution is simple. You may have to just stand up to your Dad and Confront him. It may get worse but it the long run will help you and your character
   
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Re: Sinking - January 25th 2010, 04:08 AM

^ I agree with the above. It seems like you're sinking deeper because you're pushing your problems away instead of facing them. You're pushing yourself further away in order to avoid them. Sometimes, you have to act like a totally different person and push yourself up and say, "I'm gonna do this." and go for it.


Waitin' for my ruca.
   
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Re: Sinking - January 25th 2010, 11:54 PM

my parents got divorced when i was a young kid, and i really havnt had a strong father figure in my life. i mean yea, i saw him every other weekend (like 4 days a month) but that really isnt enough. i never got to have him throw a baseball with me, that was by myself. i never had him teach me how to ride a bike, that was the babysitter. and then there is the whole "religion" thing. i mean i dont know why it bothers me, i cant stand him for more than like 3 days, gets annoying, but im always trying to please him, but hes so overexpectant of me, and so is my mom. the only one more perfectionist about my grades is my mom. and shes never home, always out dancing or in her room on the computer, i just want to have parents, and my sister is great most of the time, but thats not enouigh you know? and i dont want to say anything, im not strong enough, i know im not, im just trying to get by.
i just want to be loved

and i dont even know if this is the problem, i hope its not, cause i wont b able to do anything about it, i just need to keep myself from cutting and drugs and watevr, and suicide.


I guess there comes a point where you just have to stop trying because it hurts to much to hold on anymore


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Re: Sinking - January 26th 2010, 12:39 AM

Do you think maybe your sister could help you talk to one or both of your parents? Maybe you could try planning things with them to spend more time together. I'm sure they love you, so they won't get angry if you bring it up. Try to come up with a compromise, so they can do the things that they want, but still leave time to spend with you. Maybe suggest eating dinner together. Start out small and work your way up.


Waitin' for my ruca.
   
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Re: Sinking - January 26th 2010, 02:26 AM

That's the thing: I already eat dinner with my mom and sisters. My older knows I used to cut but she thinks I've stopped. I shouldn't b this screwed up. My friend got raped as a child, and he asked me why I'm determined to b in pain and I mean I shouldn't be, I havnt had that rough of a life, why me?


I guess there comes a point where you just have to stop trying because it hurts to much to hold on anymore


Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh, I'm falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the guy I am...isn't me
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Re: Sinking - January 26th 2010, 02:38 AM

I used to be a happy kid, but constant verbal attacks at skul an the fact that I get really annoying when I'm happy has caused me to dig myself deeper, cause I don't get people pissed at me when I'm depressed.
Sorry I'm rambling.


I guess there comes a point where you just have to stop trying because it hurts to much to hold on anymore


Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh, I'm falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the guy I am...isn't me
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Re: Sinking - January 26th 2010, 04:28 AM

Your friend has NO RIGHT to dictate how you should feel, just because he's been through rough stuff, first of all.

What you feel is not something to be ashamed of. Yes, it sounds like you need help, but don't let your friend tell you that you shouldn't feel the way you do. Since when did HE become the Emotion Police?

But seriously, sounds like you want help, but you're reluctant because you're not sure if your family will be so supportive. Perhaps take baby steps? I'm guessing you're still in high school, so maybe you could try and see a councellor? If you're nervous, take a close friend with you. I don't know if it'll help you or not, but it'll at least give you something, possibly. Plus, if a councellor talks to your parents about any problems you're having, maybe your parents will take it more seriously.

Right now, if you present your case to them, from the sounds of your situation, they may be supportive, but they could also turn around and say you're begging for attention. However, if a professional adult mentions something to them, they'd probably be more inclined to listen.

Don't give up. You haven't been able to try everything in your power. But you could try, and it may be the best thing for you. Or it may do nothing. You'll never know unless you make the effort though.

I hope you work things out. No one deserves to feel crummy, and you're no exception to that.
   
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Re: Sinking - January 27th 2010, 12:11 AM

i did though


i got the courage to talk to my school social worker LAST YEAR bout my cutting and he told my mom, but she never got anything done. i talked to my social worker again this yr and he talked to them like a month ago, and they are looking for someone, but i dont want help anymore.

im done trying
ive accepted who i am, accepted its fate, accepted that it could b the end of me


I guess there comes a point where you just have to stop trying because it hurts to much to hold on anymore


Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh, I'm falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the guy I am...isn't me
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