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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Ryuu Offline
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Unhappy Well, it's nearly the end. - January 25th 2010, 10:55 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-s...hing-up-again/ (Read the first and bottom post)

My story is in there. It's quite a big one. And that's not even half of it. There's so much stuff in my life that has been taken from me, twisted and given back to me, broken and tainted. And most of that stuff is my fault. I'm a fuck up, I'm a failure. I'm weak, I'm pathetic, I'm ugly, I can't see anything unless it's got a fucking label on it (I can't see what's wrong if someone says something is wrong, I need them to tell me) and I've fucked up the only real relationship I ever had, and the only one I ever want. I don't want replies saying "You'll find someone else", because I won't. She's the only person I ever want, and she says I'm the only person she wants. But at the moment, we can't even talk (anything but face to face and she breaks down)... I feel so fucking guilty, I've made her self concious, I've made her compair herself to everyone, she changed just for me, she did everything for me. All she ever did was love me, and I threw it back in her face. I've changed, now, I'm the person she fell in love with again, the nice guy. The guy everyone liked. But she won't see it, yet, and I can't blame her. And that guy has lost all hope.

Nothing will be the same again, ever. In 5 months time, she'll still feel like shit because of what I did, and in 5 months time we'll probably lose all contact. I don't want to live without her. So I'll die without her instead.

I've got a date ready for my death, and it's coming up fast. The 1st of february - the day my best friend died in a car accident, in 2008.

I give up. I just can't stop thinking about her. No matter what I do, she's in my head, her voice is filling my heart and tearing it apart because I know I'm the reason she feels like shit. She'd be better off without me. Everyone would. I'm not worth it, I don't deserve my life. All I've ever done - All I'm ever going to do, is ruin other people's lives. My death will ruin yet more lives, but at least I can stop after that. I'm sorry, guys, but I just can't do this anymore.

Every hero I ever looked up to stabbed me in the back and left me to rot. Left me to die. Well, let's just say. If I had it MY WAY, I'd SLIT YOUR THROAT with the knife that you LEFT IN MY BACK.

Last edited by Ryuu; January 25th 2010 at 11:12 PM.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Well, it's nearly the end. - January 25th 2010, 11:55 PM

This stuck out to me in your last thread: "I realised that life means so much, it's nothing to throw away." You and I both know that life is a gift. It may not seem like it with what's happening right now, but really, it is. You won't ever know what's going to happen in the future, but what you do now can change whatever does happen. Both of you seem to have depression, so it seems the only way things can get better is for both of you to get help, and not from each other, because that doesn't seem to be working. I know she breaks down whenever you talk, but it's something you need to do. Tell her you love her, tell her you think she's beautiful, tell her exactly how you feel about everything that you mentioned in this post.

You ARE worth it. You deserve a life. With or without her, you have to view yourself as an individual and think about what it is you want in life. It's obvious, you want her, but there has to be other things you'd like to accomplish. You can focus on those things, and you can change for the better, and you can improve so many lives. It's obvious that you still have a bit of hope somewhere in you, because you're on TeenHelp. Use that hope to help show yourself and her that it IS possible to get better. The problems you two are having with each other can be fixed, and your death definitely will not fix them; it will only make things worse for her, and if you love her, you wouldn't want her to go through that pain. She's already hurt by your lying to her, but you said it yourself that you're not like that anymore. She WILL see the new you once you get through to her if you show her that you're that guy.

You might have already heard some of this before, but I'm trying my hardest here and I can't really think of anything else to say. If it feels like you've hit rock bottom and you think that death is the only way out, just remember that the only other way to go is up. I don't know about you, but up sure sounds a lot better than doing something that can't be fixed after it's done. I really, really hope things change for you, but you have to be willing to work for it and she does, too. You CAN be a great contribution to the world. Don't give that chance up.

Waitin' for my ruca.
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Re: Well, it's nearly the end. - January 27th 2010, 06:13 AM

If you are ever thinking about suiside just remember it's a purminent solution to a timporary problem just give it time and all of your problems will solve thenselvs
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samleie Offline
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Re: Well, it's nearly the end. - January 27th 2010, 06:38 AM

hang in there
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Re: Well, it's nearly the end. - January 27th 2010, 07:10 AM

do you think thats what your friend who died in the accident would want? On the front of being heartbroken, i have a song for you.

the ending Lyrics:
When I get to sleep I'll dream again of canopies and drapes
And wake shaking from the knowledge that the mattress holds your shape
I'll assume my phone is dead because it hasn't rung for months
If tomorrow is the funeral do you think that you could come?
I could give you back your music and your t-shirts and your socks
run to Jazz's house in SOHO cry into her letter box
take some time out to resuscitate my soul
Take up smoking and drink carrot juice and grow
Teach the mattress to erase you from its folds
Then dry my eyes and keep on walking til the motion makes me strong
Until one day i realize I don't remember that you're gone
We'll be strangers
who were lovers
I'll recover
It's so weird how time goes on
some parts a tad quirky but it's just your song, and true. with time, you WILL recover (whether you like it or not.) why do you think there are so many songs about breakups, it always hurts. it always hurts a lot. but you'll get over it, maybe never fully, but you'll definitely be glad you didn't do something rash about something that in time will be relatively insignificant.

I'll always listen instead of waiting to talk.
I like music; I play the piano.
Emmy the Great ,Metric, Regina Spektor
Land of Talk, DCFC, MGMT,
Yeah Yeah Yeahs,
Bright eyes, Yelle,
She & Him, Slow Club
I miss you Kiota.
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