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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Batman. Offline
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Name: Julz
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I will never be good enough... - January 26th 2010, 08:24 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Well, its official. No matter what I say or do in this life, it won't mean a fucking thing.

I'm too fucking stupid, thus too under-fucking-educated to ever have a valid fucking opinion, no matter what experiences and justifications I have.

I don't have a goddamn pretentious diploma in my hand to figuratively throw in people's face, therefore I'm fucking useless.

I can't even manage to get a fucking job flipping burgers, no matter how much I try, no matter how desperate they are for employees, apparently I'm not fucking good enough to serve high-school snots a fucking Big Mac Combo.

I'd kill myself, but knowing it, I'd fucking fail at that too. I have in the past. I'm too fucking stupid to commit suicide properly.

I feel like just carving myself up like a Thanksgiving turkey with all the words I can use to describe how much I fucking suck and fail at everything.

   
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Re: I will never be good enough... - January 26th 2010, 08:49 AM

Hey Julz,

I have zero experience when it comes to looking for a job or being unemployed. But I can tell you that I truly believe that you are far from worthless.

I can sit here and feed you a bunch of completely cliche and useless statements, but I'm not going to waste my time doing that, because I know it will be of little help. I can tell you what I know, though. It's a, pardon my french, shit time to be looking for a job in the world today. Unemployment rates are outrageously high, the economy sucks. Nearly everyone is broke, gas prices suck. All you have to do is turn on the news, and you'll hear something of the sort.

What my point is, though, is that just because all of these things are happening in the world, and just because they are affecting you so strongly, does not mean you are a worthless person. Just because you are unemployed does not mean you are a failure.

This is the true definition of a failure: Someone who sits in their parents basement for the rest of their lives, making no effort to make money or find a job from themselves. A failure is someone who doesn't give a darn with happens to them, and who lets their life spin out of control.

You're trying, Julz, and that's more than I can say for a lot of people. You've gone out, and you've tried to make a difference in your life. You may have not succeeded 100%, but simply making the effort is a success all of its own.

So what if you're unemployed. So what if life is a challenge for you right now. You're alive. You have your future. You're making the effort. You're trying to make a better life for yourself. All these things, Julz, make you the opposite of a failure. They make you a winner, and they make you a strong one at that.

The weakest action we take is by giving up on ourselves. All because some jerk at a fast food restaurant didn't hire us, or because we're having a hard time paying the bills. There's a strong person there inside of you, so please don't lose sight of her. You need to keep fighting, because you owe it to yourself to find the success you are looking for. The only way to truly lose in this life is to give up.

Please, if you are feeling suicidal, reach out to someone. Call a suicide hotline, or call up a friend or a family member. You're too important and valuable for the world to lose, and I truly mean that (even though I do realize it sounds a bit cliche).

You can PM anytime your heart desires. :] I know that you can make it through all of this, and find success for yourself.
Keep fighting, okay? That's your sure way to success.





A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts


   
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Re: I will never be good enough... - January 26th 2010, 09:20 AM

Well, thats the thing. Economy is recovering, number one. Number two, everyone else I know in this small town has been hired except me, really. They'd rather hire no one and have gaps in their schedules they try to desperately fill than hire me on. I know this, since my younger sister works at the McDonalds, where I've tried to get hired and never did, and they've desperately called, begged, pleaded, and even tried to guilt her into working shifts she couldn't because of exams. Meanwhile, if I had been hired, I'd be available to work the overnights, when the high school kids can't. But, they'd rather go without hiring me, or hire on some high school kids, and then have to grasp at straws to get these shifts covered.

It's got to be something wrong with me. Hell, I couldn't get hired at both the pizza places in town, despite having previous experience making pizza (I worked at a pizza place for a month when I was 17 or so, got laid off since the business closed down), and the jobs went to people who had to be trained completely.

I know its something wrong with me, that I'm inadequate. I always have been, and always will be. I hate myself for it, and I don't know, like, on the one hand, I think "I might as well accept it", but on the other hand, it tears me to pieces thinking that I'm always going to be a failure.

Well, thanks for responding, at least. I mean, nice to know that someone who is practically a stranger took the time to type all that out.
   
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Cool Re: I will never be good enough... - January 26th 2010, 01:05 PM

Julz, I know this is sort of hypocritical because I just posted on my blog bashing myself, but I think you should be easier on yourself.

I know I am incredibly critical of myself because both A) other people have made me feel like crap and due to my BPD I base my opinion on myself on others, so I feel I must be doing something wrong if other people aren't nice to me & B) because I feel very out of control and hopeless in my life. And blaming myself and saying "it's all my fault" allows for the illusion of control. If it's my "Fault" i can surely fix my life, save the world, and still have time for a healthy snack all before bedtime, no? I think there are some things we can control, and a lot of things we can't. I know Char has been looking for a job and has been really hard on herself for not getting hired. I bet you wouldn't tell her she's a failure. So what makes you an exception? What makes you so different from the rest of the world, my friend?

You do not often accept that you are human. being human means that you will experience set backs, pain, failures and also break throughs, joys and successes. Being human means being fabulously flawed. “Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.” – Max Ehrmann

You are intelligent, passionate, creative, beautiful, and strong. You are SO strong, Julz. You wouldn't still be here if you weren't. And before you go saying "Megan must be on crack..." Try telling yourself instead "I strongly disagree, but Megan seems to really believe the things she said." If you won't take the compliment, at least don't call me a liar or crazy on top of by saying i'm wrong.

"You have suffered enough, and warred with yourself. It's time that you won." - Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard

I care about you a lot. I hope you know I'm always willing to listen if you need to vent. You're NOT alone.

Stay Strong,
Megan



When the patient's body has betrayed them,
and all the sciencewe have to offer has failed them,
when worst-case scenario comes true,
clinging to hope is all we've got left.
-grey's.anatomy-
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I will never be good enough... - January 26th 2010, 06:36 PM

Megan, I do appreciate you trying. I know you're nuts for thinking anything remotely positive about me. But, I'm definitely a bit nuts too. You know we have the same self-esteem issues, so its not surprising that you'd try to put some perspective on it that I could relate to.

Although, there IS one big difference between Char and I. Char is younger than me, and still in school, right? I'm completely done school, thus am flexible for shifts, which should make it easier for me to get a job. Instead, they'd rather suffer to find people to work the shifts that their employees can't work. Majority of their overnight crew quit, and I applied again, just a few days ago, stating that I can work any hours, any day, for up to 50 hours, when full-time is 40.

Ah well. I still feel really cruddy, but I did, however, resist the urge to SH. Barely. Lucky I had someone to talk to on MSN, who talked to me about my problems AND distracted me at the same time. So, for now, thats not a worry anymore, just to let you guys know.

I appreciate what you've both said. I mean, it was real nice of you both to take your time to respond to me. Take care, Megan and Amanda.
   
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