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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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blackflag1982 Offline
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Spiraling - January 28th 2010, 02:34 AM

Well, I'm not really suicidal but I guess this is a continuation of a thread I made when I first joined. My life uh, hasn't been easy but then again, everyone has hardships so then I begin to think that who am I to complain? There are people much worse than myself I can imagine. But basically, I've just been an emotional wreck my entire life. More or less, I don't know how to control my emotions all that well. I get angry too quick, I snap at the wrong people, and etc. Basically it all begins with my parents' divorce from when I was really young. Things between my parents are just awkward and it seems they have constantly fought to keep me on THEIR side and they tend to forget that they're both my parents and should realize this instead of trying to make the other one seem bad.

Granted, I am much closer with my mother than I am my father and well, there are reasons. It just seems whatever little mishap I do or if there's something I can't find (like for example a fork or something) in an instant, my dad gets very angry at me. I don't know why. He's just really ruined my life and I hate the fact that I'm living with this. I had friends from when I lived with my mom but they have all abandoned me and even though I'm in my 3rd year of high school (I started at a new high school my freshman year) I still feel like a stranger in some aspects. My step brother treats me like absolute crap and I just feel dumb, pathetic, and weak. I can't help anyone and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm constantly depressed. It seems any opportunity I get, it's snatched away. My dad seems to care more about himself than his own son and I hate it.

I used to contemplate suicide. I don't really anymore, because I think to myself maybe life can't be that bad, but it certainly doesn't seem this way. I just have no escape from anything and it's not as if I can confront my dad, because all he'll do is yell and get mad to where you want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I hate to wish my life away, but I want to get out of here as soon as I can. I just feel like everything in my life has spiraled and I don't know what I've done to deserve all this pain. I absolutely hate it.
   
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strong-but-weak Offline
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Re: Spiraling - January 28th 2010, 03:03 AM

I'm glad you aren't contemplating suicide anymore. That's a big step to take. And it's so important. You can't give up.
Your dad isn't right for getting mad at you. But you know what? I think he's hurt. I think he feels like you don't love him as much as you do your mom. I'm sorry to say it, but it gets like that a lot when parents divorce. They lose a whole life they built for themself. And a lot of the time they don't realize that so do the kids.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Remember, it coul dbe worse and life is worth living. You just haven't found the reason why quite yet.
Stay strong. You can make it through.


And no matter what my heart [</3] says
I have to let you walk away
maybe someday

I can't fight for you anymore
But it's too hard to watch you fall.
I can't fight for you anymore
But watching you go breaks my heart
I can't fight for you anymore
But I want to.
   
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Re: Spiraling - January 28th 2010, 10:07 AM

I'd have to agree with Leah and say that it's likely that your dad is just distraught over the divorce. He might be taking his anger out on you. Then again, my family tends to get VERY fed up with me when I'm in a bad mood. Maybe your dad just isn't sure of how to deal with it (if he notices your depression), but you need to remind yourself that it's not your fault. Blaming yourself will only intensify your emotions, which definitely won't help.

My parents aren't divorced, but they act like it. I really wish they would separate already. My mom resembles your dad in this situation, where she's constantly blaming me for everything wrong in her life, but the only thing that has helped is keeping in mind that it's their view, their life, and that you deserve better than that. Ignore his angry comments, along with everyone else's, because they don't matter and they most likely aren't true (especially you being pathetic, dumb, and weak. YOU'RE NOT.)

You're living with your dad if I read your post correctly, right? Is there any chance you can move in with your mom and talk to her about the situation? If that isn't possible, remember there is always a way out that doesn't involve death. College, moving out, something will come along eventually to help you. Just don't give up, because one day it will be totally worth it and you'll thank yourself for saving yourself.


Waitin' for my ruca.
   
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blackflag1982 Offline
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Re: Spiraling - January 28th 2010, 10:41 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by thisiscourtney View Post
I'd have to agree with Leah and say that it's likely that your dad is just distraught over the divorce. He might be taking his anger out on you. Then again, my family tends to get VERY fed up with me when I'm in a bad mood. Maybe your dad just isn't sure of how to deal with it (if he notices your depression), but you need to remind yourself that it's not your fault. Blaming yourself will only intensify your emotions, which definitely won't help.

My parents aren't divorced, but they act like it. I really wish they would separate already. My mom resembles your dad in this situation, where she's constantly blaming me for everything wrong in her life, but the only thing that has helped is keeping in mind that it's their view, their life, and that you deserve better than that. Ignore his angry comments, along with everyone else's, because they don't matter and they most likely aren't true (especially you being pathetic, dumb, and weak. YOU'RE NOT.)

You're living with your dad if I read your post correctly, right? Is there any chance you can move in with your mom and talk to her about the situation? If that isn't possible, remember there is always a way out that doesn't involve death. College, moving out, something will come along eventually to help you. Just don't give up, because one day it will be totally worth it and you'll thank yourself for saving yourself.
Well, I'm halfway through my junior year of high school so I'd rather not go back and mess up my education. But yeah, college seems like what'll get me out of here, it's just hard dealing with these kind of people. I'm glad you guys can understand, it really does mean a lot.

The sad thing is, it feels like both my parents think I hate the opposing parent and that makes it even rougher. I tend to think whatever anger my dad still has towards my mom, he directs it at me. All I can do is wait til I graduate I guess. Thanks again guys, I'm just glad I got some third party advice.
   
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