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L'espoir Offline
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Falling to pieces. - February 2nd 2010, 05:17 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I really do honestly feel as though I am falling apart. My chest feels as though it is being ripped into pieces and it hurts to breathe. I feel incredibly slowed down, I think it takes me about ten times longer than anyone else to get things done. Every day I cry and I cry and I cry. I cried on my way home from school today because I just feel like I can't do this. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix this and I can't make it better. I don't really think anyone can make this better because it seems unfixable.

I have been asked what makes me feel this way? The truth? I really don't know. I didn't just wake up and suddenly feel this way; it came on gradually and slowly, creeping up on me. I can think of things that happened but there were all a long time ago. Nothing big, nothing major. If I said it was those things I would feel as though I am trying to blame all this on something, on somebody. I'm not.

My friend says my dad abused me, he didn't. I'm not just saying that it's the truth. He hit me one time, threw me out the house another time and tried to strangle me another. They weren't major though and they were all so spread out, it just wasn't abuse and even my mum wasn't bothered about what he did. He likes to put the blame on everyone else for what he does. So when he tried to strangle me it was my own fault because he thought I had spat on him when it was just raining, I still had to apologise. He wrote to me saying that he didn't know why I stopped seeing him, asking me about it, like I was acting "stupid" for no reason and like it was all random. I don't know, maybe it was all something I did, something I said, the way I was. There was probably fault of mine in there somehow. He always told me I was over reacting, being silly. Maybe I was.

When I was in year 9 at school I was "sexually assaulted" or so the connexions advisor told me. I don't see it that way. I see it as me being pathetic and over reacting to things that happened. Every time we had a lesson they would touch me, I told them to stop, I cried, I got panic attacks and I tried to get away. They would corner me and laugh and say things. Everyone gets picked on though, its nothing unusual.

I wish I could make this all go away, I wish I could stop the pain because it is unbearable. I cut myself every day to try and cope with all this; it isn't enough for me. I need something more. Sometimes I think of suicide but I can't be bothered doing anything to myself.

I can't do this anymore; help me? Please?


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Re: Falling to pieces. - February 3rd 2010, 03:08 AM

Jen,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time right now. Just try to remember that this will pass with time; you will not be in this dark place forever. Keep fighting, you'll get through it.

Are you seeing a psychologist or therapist of any sort? If not, I suggest you look in to possibly seeking professional help. I know it sounds scary, but I know that you are strong enough to overcome that and get the help that you need. Therapy can truly help someone who has all this weight to bare; it helps you to sort out the problems and find healthy ways to cope.

What your father did to you was not okay. The frequency and severity is irrelevant; what matters is that he tried to hurt you, and you do not hurt someone that you love. I'm glad to hear that you do not see him anymore, as this sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. You do not need that in your life right now, and do not feel pressured to try and rebuild things with him until YOU are ready. This is your call.

Being touched when you do not want to be is always extremely damaging emotionally, no matter the context of the situation. Getting picked on is one thing; being touched in a sexual way is a whole different ball-game. It's okay to feel this way about what happened; you are not weak, you are not over-reacting. This was absolutely a strain psychologically, of course you're going to have bad feelings surrounding the situation. Just remember that this was not at all your fault, and you did NOT deserve to be treated that way. I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through this, but I do believe that you are stronger and wiser for it.

I know that you just want all of this to go away, but you and I both know that it does not work that way. It will pass with time; talking about what you are going through will make this time pass quicker. Keep talking, keep fighting. You WILL get through this.

Take care. If you'd ever like to talk, you know where my PM box is.


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And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it,
but I'm gonna try
to get better and overcome each moment
in my own way"

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Re: Falling to pieces. - February 3rd 2010, 05:12 AM

Hey,

I am sorry that you are struggling so much but I do not want you to give up. I know that things are rough right now but with time and some fighting they will get better. I know at times the fighting can be hard and it seems like letting it all go would be so much better but I can assure you it is not. If you give up you will never get to see all the great things that life has to offer you. I promise there are a lot of good things waiting around the corner for you.

As for what your father did; it was wrong. Maybe it did not happen all the time but it was still wrong and hurtful. Children need to know that their parents love them and care for them unconditionally and when this happens it throws a lot of confusion the child's way. It also throws a lot of self hatred and self doubt too.

As for the people that sexually assaulted you; that was wrong too. You did not deserve that and to have someone violate you in such a way is always quite saddening. I know that when I was in high school there were two occasions in which some boys that it would be okay to grope me. I felt so dirty and used after wards but I also felt the same way as you. I rationalized that it wasn't that bad of a thing because they only touched. But, in the end I came to the realization that it was bad and of course it would affect me in a negative way. Dealing with it and accepting that they were wrong and it was okay for me to feel sad and angry has helped me quite a bit.

These things are important to why you are feeling this way and the best thing to do is to deal with them. So, they may not have happened a lot or they may not have been as bad as what other people have gone through. But, they happened, they affected you and that makes them significant to your life and your ability to get better.

If you are not doing so already I think you should reach out and talk to someone. A psychologist would be an awesome person to talk to. It will be hard but it always helps to have a nice, objective, and trustworthy person to talk to once or twice a week.

Please hang in there and if you need anything feel free to pm me.

Jenna


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Re: Falling to pieces. - February 3rd 2010, 01:32 PM

Hey Jen,
You are a fighter. You have been through hell. some days you'll run, some days you'll walk, and some days you'll crawl, but you have the power to keep moving forward.

It seems to me that you are struggling with the illusion of control. That your dad and the guys at school didn't hurt you, that you're just "over reacting" is a control thing. You probably subconsciously believe that if you blame yourself, you have control over the situation. but that's not true. its not your fault that those people violated your basic human rights, its not your fault you feel the way you do, and unfortunately although there are certain precautions we can all take, we cannot control other people's actions.

I think a lot of people who were harmed physically or sexually end up harming themselves to reclaim that feeling of control over their body. It's almost like saying to the people who hurt you "Oh yeah? you hurt me? well i can hurt me too!" but two wrongs don't make a right, and two hurts dont heal. the real way you can regain control over your body, and yourself, and your life? by embracing yourself lovingly. by being gentle with yourself, for "you are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars" -max ehrmann

I challenge you do the following:
1) look in the mirror and say "I am worth fighting for" twice every day for the next month.
2) keep a journal where you only write positive things, at least three positive things a day, and at least one of them praising yourself for something you put effort into or accomplished, no matter how small.
3) Write a love letter to yourself.


"You have suffered enough, and warred with yourself. It's time that you won." - Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard

You're NOT alone, Jen. When giving up feels like an option remember that life is just a series of moments, this too shall pass and you are strong enough to make it through.

You donít have to be Gandhi. You just have to breathe.


Megan



When the patient's body has betrayed them,
and all the sciencewe have to offer has failed them,
when worst-case scenario comes true,
clinging to hope is all we've got left.
-grey's.anatomy-
   
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