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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Don'tLet'sStart Offline
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Question Still Searching, but time is running out - February 5th 2010, 04:35 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I have always been seen as the optimistic type, the helpful one, always finding the right words to say. Last February, things, took a huge decline, when a friend of mine became suicidal, a friend, who at the time i fell in love with. Well, along with her, many other friends became suicidal as well, since then, misery has become a good friend of mine. Since then i have made new friends, accomplished new things, however faced many challenges, have gone through ever so much, cried ever so much, want to die ever so much, and just feel like giving up. My friends and I, although having grown closer, have been to hell and back, multiple times. Seems just when things are looking good, things take a huge dive downward. Well, lately, things have continued on a huge dive downwards, the issues, the anxiety and everything else, has gotten harder, and it keeps heading downward, this time, with no sign of heading back up.

I Feel I have gone crazy. Over this period of time, the Optimism inside of me, seems to have been dying, being filled up with cynicnalness. Lately however, to get through, i need my Optimism, otherwise, i will not make it. It has been trying to come back, but as it does, i feel like I am slowly becoming Bi Polar or something. My entire body, is split. Cynical, then Optimistic. There is a girl i met. I really love her alot. She is currently taken by another guy. Even if she wasn't I feel I would be no good for her, I am a great guy as people tell me, however, seems too much to handle. No matter what, she is my best friend though, a really close one. We are the same on a lot of levels, she is really smart, really pretty. There was time over the summer in which I became paranoid of her not really being my friend, not liking me, it made things hard. Because I cared a lot about her, you have no idea how much I care about her. Well, i told her how i felt, and that somewhat helped , we talked and crap. Well, its happened again, except worse. A lot of horrible situations I've been put in has happened again, except seemingly 10 times worse than before, and all at the same time.

I am a thinker, always thinking. I can easily think on sensitive subjects, and not be afraid, think of things others are afraid to think of. Well, I am afraid of my own thoughts, as they got pretty bad back in January, I guess you could say i was about ready to kill myself back then. That being the hugest Irony considering for the past year or so, my goal was to get everyone else not kill themselves.

Her, however, on my mind always. And that is bad, as i am currently at a horrible divide with myself, my mind fighting, on its own, against itself. Paranoia, and Cynicism stating she doesn't love me, she doesn't care, makes me feel as if im losing her. I feel over all, i am losing her. Then, the fact i can't have her, then, i feel, as if i will never have anyone, the one for me, is someone too hard to find, feels hopeless.

Can't give up hope
Giving up
Don't give up
Life is pointless
Life has meaning
Can't assign a meaning
Just Die
Just live
Want to die, but can't
Just die
There is a bright side
There is no brightside
She loves you
She does not
You love her
Thats what matters
She doesn't love you
Hate her
Never
I hate her,
Why?
She has done nothing
She hates me
No she doesn't!!

Well, confusing, as it goes back in forth. I deal with alot, alot that i think on, constantly. All other thoughts, are like that, except worse.

Really, It's come to a point, where i don't know what the standing is for me. Or what generally is wrong, everything, is a cluster of confusion and despair, i go in and out of hating people now, not wanting to be bothered, wanting to just be alone, there is no solution

I've tried nearly everything, like everything, and i get horrible feelings in my chest. It's wonderful, my uncle, was just like me, nice, well known, always helping others, only difference, he had girlfriends. Well, he killed himself, like, a couple months ago. Awesome inspiration. I see no point in life at the moment.

I Know its there however

But im, God, i am blinded so much, so distraught, thinking hurts, everything hurts. Last February everything, crashed, my life, took a huge hit, nothing could top that month, except December, and now, January, and now, what is February, It's starting to become unbearable, my energy, my enthusiasm is dying, and though i fail to admit that i am losing this battle now, well, i am.

It's, just so much to explain, so hard to, so confusing now, really its easier to:

Die
or
Start Over

Neither of those are possible, and if they were, neither of those do i accept as choices, there has to be something, but i can't find it.
For now, i still continue to help others, however, I can't help myself, nor can anyone help me. I'm fading away, and running out of time.

My thoughts, the ones ive expressed here, are like, nothing, nothing at all compared to the other ones. I've had horrible thoughts, some im ashamed of, some i can not understand, its horrible. I am not hearing voices, but i am hitting two ends of the pole. Optimism is a part of me, and always will be. Really i would prefer to just be Pessimistic as opposed to bounce back in forth. Hope shoots in and out, and, its... idk what to say anymore.

My future, my past, my present, all seem gloomy and destroyed, idk how to get myself out of this one. Doctors gave me meds, but they do jack. Nothing. Actually, make my thoughts worse.

This, is a depression, that will be very hard to get through. I'm hoping to find a solution, before things get worse, because, i can for the first time in my life, see things get inconveniently worse, and maybe recklessly decide to kill myself.
That's a horrible state.
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Re: Still Searching, but time is running out - February 5th 2010, 06:42 AM

I understand how you're feeling when you describe bouncing between optimistic and pessimistic. Megan, from this site, gave me awesome advice and encouraged writing down the thoughts/environment/events occurring during the optimisic state, and referring back to those when you're feeling pessimistic. For me, it's all about my thoughts. During a good day, I realize that I'm constantly telling myself, "Everything will be okay." Even though it may not seem like it at the time, when you've hit rock bottom the only way to go is up. Sure, suicide will get you out, but then you'll never be let back in. In life, there are second chances; in death, there are none. Use your second chance and like you mentioned, start over.

This is going to sound cliche, but if the girl never loves you back, there will always be someone else. You deserve a person who will return that affection and it seems like you already know that you're a kind, helpful person, so continue to tell yourself that. It's true! Your future is not destroyed because you're the one who gets to build it up and you can choose to go about it however you please. But hold on and don't let go, because you have so much ahead of you. Yeah, some stuff may totally suck, but you can make it out alive. So many people have survived through the toughest of times yet others have chosen suicide, but don't you think that the people who got through it all are so thankful for their choice? You can be that person.

This may be a biased opinion, but I really think you should stop the meds. I'm not for meds at all. Have you considered therapy?


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Re: Still Searching, but time is running out - February 5th 2010, 06:56 AM

Thanks for the response.

I've tried to write things down while still at a peak of optimism, and that worked for a bit, then it just accused it all as crap. Then that kinda went out the window. I want to find someone else, I don't want to lose her as a friend though, and it seems like it's pretty much all on my doubt and paranoia that is pushing her away. The meds, i stopped those, they are practically counter productive. I'm not a fan of meds either.
I feel really highly of this girl though, she is someone special. I know that somewhere is another girl for me, in terms of a relationship and such. I don't want to lose this girl as a friend, especially since it's me being stupid that's messing things up. I confronted her again about this, somewhat, i sent her a message, one that I'm kinda waiting for her to read. Knowing her, this means that she will want to talk to me about it in person or something, i prefer in person. I may need to try Therapy, again.
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Re: Still Searching, but time is running out - February 5th 2010, 10:46 PM

Hey there,

I am sorry you are struggling but please keep hanging in there because things will improve with time.

I think that talking to your friend about all of this would be a good idea. I know that you do not want to lose her as a friend but honesty is the best policy. If, when, you decide to talk to her about this be sure to try and not play the blame game. When you guys talk, talk reasonably and try to make her see how you are feeling without causing a fight.

A lot of times when people have serious chats both parties tend to get defensive. To, hopefully, ensure that this does not happen you should each take a turn to talk without the other party interrupting.

First you can talk about everything (no interruptions from her) and then the two of you can try and objectively talk about ways to solve it. From there, she can explain what is going on for her, how she is feeling (with no objections from you) and then the both of you can discuss it and try to come to some resolutions.

To be honest, this is a hard way to communicate because it is in everyone's nature to defend themselves but I have found in doing this the point is driven home. When interruptions happen emotions start to run higher and both parties end up missing the whole point of the conversation.

So, maybe you and her could give this a try?

As for therapy, I think that it would be a great idea to start going again. I know sometimes it can be annoying and it can be a lot of hard work but it really can help.

Lastly, about the medicine, I understand the feeling of medicines not working and of not wanting to take them. But, I think you should discuss these concerns with your doctors. In my own experiences most doctors try to respect your wishes and not put you on medicine. The try and give the patient a chance to get through this without medicine. However, the only way your doctor can ever know how you are feeling about this is if you communicate with him.

Please hang in there and if you need anything feel free to pm me.

Jenna


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