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MasterofTofu Offline
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No Recognition - February 8th 2010, 04:46 AM

I have posted in these threads many months ago, when I was fifteen or sixteen. I was at one of the lowest points of my life, and contemplating suicide on almost a daily basis. Thankfully, I came to pass it...for a time, anyway.

I started on a 30mg dose of Prozac in September 2009. I noted that my overall mood improved, suicidal thoughts were almost gone, and I became an overall more outgoing person. My academics, though, were still lagging far behind. I knew I had the potential to be a straight-A student, but a lack of motivation and procrastination left me almost every night neglecting my homework. I ended that trimester with two C's and three A's...one of my best trimesters in high school to date.

I began my next trimester, only to discover something life-changing; I have ADD. I talked to my doctor, and she put me on a 30mg dose of Adderall about two weeks later. Now I am able to concentrate better, I don't procrastinate nearly as bad, I have improved retention and long-term memory, and my writing skills have improved. I was sincerely hoping that both my mental state and academic state would improve even further, considering that I have straight A's; instead, my academia has soared, but my mental state is deteriorating...rapidly.

With my new-found interest in learning, I am asking more questions. In the "its cool to be dumb" high school atmosphere, kids have been mocking me and insulting my intelligence. I have an asshole in my Geology class who is throwing small wads of paper at my head. Then, there is a girl I sit next to in my US history class that says I get special treatment from my teacher and that is why my grade is so high, NOT because I am actually working! Not only this, but my complete turn around in grades (from D's and C's to straight A's) has gone almost completely unrecognized. Hell, I have the highest grades in my Honors Geology class, my AP US History class, and my math class! I receive no complements, no recognition, no praise, not even a pat on the fucking back. My friends don't understand. My dad is emotionally unavailable, and my mom is just flat-out mean. She does not care about the way I feel; everything I say to her is ignored, and worse, sometimes even used against me in a fight, creating wounds that even after three years are still raw.

I feel alone...isolated from everyone around me. Everything is being bottled-up. What more does the world, my friends, my family, want from me? I am only capable of so much! I have never been drunk, never smoked, never taken an illegal drug, never snuck out with a friend, and never stolen anything...hell, I don't even have one school punishment on record! I am putting out my hardest effort ever to be the best person I possibly can, and I keep being ignored, neglected, and discarded.

There is only so much I, or anyone, can bear. I want to give up. This "life", if that is what it can be called, is pathetic. I am reaching the capacity for how much bullshit I endure. When I hit that breaking point, it will be a devastating blow to my schoolwork and my already weak mental state. If I hit this point, I will know that I can't handle life. I will have been putting out my best attempt to turn my life into something positive, something productive, and failed. It will confirm what I have feared for too long: That I am worthless...that I will be a failure as a person, and that no matter what I do, there is no overcoming infinitely bad odds.

Last edited by MasterofTofu; February 8th 2010 at 05:00 AM.
   
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Re: No Recognition - February 8th 2010, 05:34 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MasterofTofu View Post
This "life", if that is what it can be called, is pathetic.
So wait... You're telling me that overcoming depression, thoughts of suicide, ADD, apathy, bullying, lack of good parenting, poor grades, isolation, drinking and drugs is pathetic?

You sir, are a hero. Not many people can do what you've done. Don't sell yourself short.

People like you don't come around too often.


Don't waste the chance you've given yourself.
   
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Re: No Recognition - February 8th 2010, 09:51 AM

Seriously, it seems the only thing that can help you in this situation is realizing that you ARE accomplishing great things. It seems like you notice that, but for some reason won't allow yourself to accept it and you feel like you need the acceptance from others. You really don't. The most important person in this situation is yourself and seeing that you are an awesome person can help you.

Take a look at all of the things you've done and all of the areas you've improved in. You can go on to do whatever you want. The people who aren't supporting you are obviously missing out on a lot, and you need to be the one to realize that. You're not missing out; they are. Perhaps you should even think about finding new friends who actually understand what it means to be a good person.


Waitin' for my ruca.
   
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Re: No Recognition - February 9th 2010, 03:07 AM

Hey there,

I agree with what everyone else is saying. It seems to me like you have accomplished quite a lot and you need to try and accept those accomplishments. Sometimes realizing all the good we have done is one of the hardest things to do but it is possible and I think with time you will be able to realize this.

I know that when I was in school and I made accomplishments it seemed like everyone, the teachers and my parents did not notice, and this affected me negatively. However, with time I came to the realization that my recognition of all the good things I have accomplished is all that matters. I do not need other people's praise to feel good about the accomplishments I have made.

Although other people realizing it does feel better it is not a neccesity, you know? So, just accept that you have done a lot of good and go from there.

And, to be honest, maybe people do see the progress you are making but they don't bring it up because they don't feel like it would do any good. Sometimes people do not know what is the best thing to do is certain situations.

As for the girl in your class; ignore her. I know it can be hard but you know that all the grades you have are based on your hard work and not on 'special treatment' and that is all that matters. There are always going to be people in life who are going to claim that you are doing good because of special treatment but if you know this is not true than that is all that matters.

Please hang in there and if you need anything do not hesitate to pm me.

Jenna


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Re: No Recognition - February 10th 2010, 05:52 AM

Thank you all for the replies. They will help to change my thinking processes...at least I hope they will. Perhaps time to cool off would help, and a start to a new trimester.



I need a vacation and a massage.
   
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