Triggering: Anger, Freaking out! Pointless!!!

[UltraViolet]

AARRRHHH SHUT UP!!
JUST SHUT UP STOP THE FUCKING ARGUING!
I CAN HEAR THE MURMER OF UR RAISE VOICES FROM UPSTAIR YOU TWATS!
Y DO U HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS! JUST SHUT UP!!!!

God sorry, *angry* much?

Anyway, I've just got back from the doctors.
I chickened out of telling him how much im thinking about suicide,and how much its always on my mind.
I've got same pills higher dose woop

He didnt ask me about how much I've been SHing, good. non of his business
I asked about seeing the councellor again, she was ok, but i might not be able to see her becasue ive seen her before, how odd.

and the doctor has told me that 'i have got to ring Healthy Minds about my CBT' i told him i dont like it, i dont want to go.
and he said if i dont call this week then im off there list.
boo hoo what a loss.
i might ring just to be poliet.
but my doctor really want me to try this.
he says that when i get better (i always think if, and its really unlikey) that CBT will help me to recover faster in the future, pff.

what future.
i dont want a future do i
i have had enough.
im going out, to get drunk.
to forget, and when i get back i know what will happen.
i know the mess i'll make, cutting while drunk isnt the easest way to clean up.
i might just not bother.

Also im still freaking out about asking my mum to read that sodding book!
why did i ask!!
she'll get half way through, and then when 'Emily' cuts herself with the blade she'll think, 'oh aye, my freaky daughter is still doing that 'daft' thing, stupid girl'!!!!!

gezz this is a really negative post, sorry.
but thats what u get when iv got no one else to talk to...

[Alessa (>**)>]

Hey Lea,
Sounds like you are going through a lot right now. I just wanted to let you know, it will get better. Anxiety and depression go hand in hand so it sounds like that may be what you are struggling with right now. I know exactly what you are going through. I myself have extreme anxiety which has caused my depression and a hell of a lot more. But, you WILL get through this and so will I. I just started CBT and it's a HUGE help. It's hard to get the hang of at first because you have to think about your thoughts and change them. The more you do it though, the easier it will be, and the better you'll feel. Don't give up. You have your whole life ahead of you.

he says that when i get better (i always think if, and its really unlikey)

See the whole point in CBT is fixing these thoughts. Changing the "if I get better" to "when I get better" because you will. You may need to work hard, but you will get there because you are strong. Believe in yourself and tell yourself you CAN do it.

Maybe when your mom reads the book she'll start to realize why people SH and maybe start to understand you more. You never know.

PM me if you ever need something, or you just want to chat with something going through the exact same thing. I'm always here.
Stay strong and hang in there,
Alessa

[~CourageousSurvivor~]

Hey there,

It sounds like you are going through quite a bit. I know it must be an everyday struggle but you can and will make it through you just have to keep on believing in yourself.

I know that confiding in your doctor can be a hard thing but in the end it can be really helpful because the more you confide the more help they can be. So, why do you think you couldn't tell him? Were you afraid of what would happen or what?

Seeing as you didn't tell him at the appointment do you think you could give him a ring and tell him what is going on, now? I know it will be scary but he might be able to help keep you safe. Maybe he can help you get a plan in place in case you feel the need to harm yourself?

CBT really can be good, in small doses, for people. What is it about it you didn't like? Instead of not going to it do you think you can communicate to the CB Therapists the way in which you are feeling about it?

If you let them know why you are struggling with it they might be able to help make it a better experience. You know? Therapists are there to make therapy work for you but you have to let them in on the concerns you are having.

As for the book; maybe your mom will read it and like it. Maybe she will feel as if you are giving her a little insight into your own struggle. I know that it can be hard to let our parents know we are still struggling but it can really be a good thing if you think about it because they can give you the emotional support you need.

Please hang in there and if you need anything do not hesitate to use teenhelps many resources or feel free to pm me.

Jenna

[UltraViolet]

People on this site are too nice to me.
I spoke to my mum this morning, having a bit of a heart to heart.
i didnt realise how much i manged to upset her.
when i flip out and just see red, if u know what i mean.
when i get so angry and im so close to hitting her, but i never would do that.
i told her that i dont mean to, i mean shes the person i love the most, so i dont do it on purpose.
but i feel so horriable now.

then i mentioned thee book.
and i tried to say that its about a girl
and then my mum said, shes reading it.
and is it about a girl who feels sort of how i do
and does what i do?
and i said sort of yeh, and then i said that i need her to have at least a small understanding.
becasue 'it' isnt what she thinks, its not stupid.
not to me.

[Alessa (>**)>]

Lea,
That's great you talked to your mom. You should be proud of yourself because that's a huge step. Everyone says or doesn things they don't mean when they are upset. It's just hormones and it's okay. That doesn't mean you don't love her. Maybe after your mom reads the book she'll understand you a bit better. Like realizing the emotions you have and what is causing you to feel this way. Don't hesitate to let your mom know how similar or different you are from the girl in the book. It might help her understand.
PM me if you need anything,

Alessa