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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ShAtTerEd HeaRt Offline
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Just a rant about what happened 2 nights ago - February 9th 2010, 08:30 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

okay, Its bene a long, rough road threw my past life.

and well to make it short heres what happened:
Im not going to say what exactly happened since i really do not want my friends to possibly find out im on here and mabie even reading everything in my threads? yeah i wud but i cant im just too afraid at this moment.

Anyway i embarissed the crap out of myself with a guy from a band that came to our youth group camp, i was so embarassed it hurt my heart and i started crying in the bathroom and throwing one of those tantrum fits i should say? idk but remember when you were really little and wud scream and kick the walls and mabie even hit yourself in the head and stuff? well thats exactly what i started doing. screaming in the bathroom stalls, kicking the walls with my feet and like crazy and hitting myself. i wanted to kill myself right then and there and just let people come finnaly and find my body in the bathroom. but i didnt have anything with me. i just threw more fits and cried more and more. then i took my belt and decided to just hit and cut myself with it as much as i wud and imagining myself really having something tp kill myself with. (but see it wasnt even sharp so i couldnt even cut myself or make hardly any marks on myself with it)

So i started trying to cut myself with it on my wrists, my arms, i tried to draw blood to badly but it wouldnt work. finnaly i just put my head in my arms and started crying. asking god right there to just "let me die and go in the sky, i hurt so badly just let me go" i dont wanna live here Anymore. why do i have to suffer to much?"

and to make it even worse i started relizing that once i got home i was gonna probley start cutting myself all over again. and i had just promised i wouldnt cut anymore. things were falling apart like glass. i was just a toatal mess. finnaly i came out of the bathroom and washed off all of my makeup since it was smeared all over my face. (luckily it came off but then i got a bunch of soap in my eye which left me just crying since it hurt so bad, i couldnt get it out of my eye)

when i came out of the bathroom and my friends saw me they were like, "hey" and all i said was the same thing. then they relized what was wrong. and said "winter whats wrong?" and i said "nothing" "nothing happened" then theyre all like, show me your arms. so i did which really didnt show anything really of marks but they still cud kinda see the purplish marks on my arms that i had just did to my wrists. they just rolled there eyes and walked away and didnt talk to me for a few minutes. which made me feel more like crap.

everybody kinda knew theyre was something wrong and i tried to so hard to hold in the tears. if everybody wasnt there and it was just my best guy friend (who wasnt even there on the trip) then i probley wud have most likely cried and wouldnt have cared if it was in front of him. but since he wasnt even there to be ther for me and a bunch of strangers were there i just stuffed it and went outside.
the thing i hated was when my friend Lauren always thinks she hast to know everything about me and i have to tell her EVERYTHING. I HATE IT! I CANT EVEN HAVE A PRIVATE CONVERSATION WITH MY COUNCLERS THERE BECUZ THEN SHE ASKS ME AND IF I DONT TELL HER THEN SHE GETS MAD AT ME! SO I HAD TO TELL HER EVERYTHING AND I DONT WANT HER TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. ONE TIME SHE EVEN LOOKED IN MY JOURNAL AND MADE ME GIVE INTO HER READING IT. SO SHE KNOWS CRAP NOW ABOUT MY GUY PROBLEMS AND STUFF AND PERSONAL STUFF. I REALLY HATE IT. SO I HAD TO TELL HER CRAP THAT I TOLD MY COUNCLER. IT SUCKED.

then she said everytime i think badly of myself shes gonna hit me and slap me across the face. and she did slap me and hit me when i told her i wanted to kill myself. i felt like crap and my friends did make me feel more like crap. and the dude told exactly everything that happened to all of his friends (hes 16, im 13) and he was nice about it and everythig when i told them it couldve bene way,way worse then that but still, it was really embarassing for me.

that whole night was a big huge mess for me. even though people keep telling me not to worry about it i cant stop worrying about it. im so embarassed about the whole thing. i may never see the guys again since they like, are from Vancouver but still, it really embarasses me.

so that night was crappy and my friends teased me about it the next day and then they pointed out that he was flirting with 2 other girls that were like, 14? 13? same age as me and i think it was true cuz you cud tell and then i think he gave them his phonenumber which made me feel more like shit.
that winter camp was so much fun but really really crappy too.

sorry i made it so long i just had to rant.


Met you from a tie between u and me buddy,
Saw you from my wired eyes with a twisted little lie, and my mind told me negative when i had a wish to own you with my heart, buddy and you split like twigs, senses told her i fell for him, and she told me "i loved him, and go get him" And while i said "negative he said "correct" <3


Me and ? = 3 days which =correct
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Darrenboy! Offline
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Re: Just a rant about what happened 2 nights ago - February 9th 2010, 11:52 PM

that is one long message: You have gone through a whole damn truckload of shit.

i get the feeling that's what's done in the past.. shall be best left in the past. Remember the good parts for life, and do not ever think of the bad parts ever again . alright? so..yeah. now , remember that one of the main things that you gotta do is quit cutting.

That is the most important part of it all.

I understand that it is an outlet for the pain and the negative feelings you are harbouring for everything. However, there are definitely better ways for you to deal with it than that. Such things you can do are like read a good book(a touching positive one will be the best) or just tell someone you definitely can trust about how you feel. This is because no one deserves to go through shitty stuff alone... everyone deserves some kind of support, and to that i agree wholeheartedly ..

remember that you are never alone.


Those who have went through more pain than everyone else, and want to protect anyone and everyone they know and care for from that pain, are stronger than everyone.

we come, we help, we stick and never leave. pm me anytimeee!

Official member of the completely Unofficial free hugs Club !

I'm firing mah Hugs!
   
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Bibliophile Offline
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Re: Just a rant about what happened 2 nights ago - February 10th 2010, 12:16 PM

Hey there, Winter.

It seems like you're really struggling right now. I'm sorry that you're struggling so much, this will get better. You're not going to feel this way forever. You say right at the beginning that you don't want to say exactly what happened. If you feel you want to tell somebody exactly what happened and rant it all out you're more than welcome to PM me.

What happened that embarrassed you so badly with the guy from the band? Was this guy with you when you had the tantrum? It seems as though whatever happened between you and him really effected you into feeling suicidal. Have you spoken to him since this camp of completely lost contact with him? Whatever happened between you and this boy seems to be the turning point that lead you to feeling so low. Try and tell your counsellor about what happened between you and him, to cause you to have the tantrum and feel so low.

You're clearly feeling very low right now, is your counsellor aware of quite how low you feel? Have you ever seen a psychiatrist or being put on medication to lift your mood? As low as you feel right now, try and understand that this can and will get better, there's always ways around it and different paths to choose from. The thing is, if you died you would never feel happy again, you would never feel sad or love or any other human emotions. You would never hug anybody again, cry or scream. Most of all, you would never seek the relief you seem so desperate to reach. You're still young and you still have your whole life ahead of you, you can't change the past but you can change the direction your future is going in. It's not to late to seek help.

Please try and take care of whatever cuts and bruises you have. http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-s...d-information/ There's some first aid information here. It's a good thing to make sure they are clean and protected from risk of infection. Infection can get nasty especially if you're not using clean implements and you're not cleaning the wounds afterwards. Try to keep them clean and get medical attention if you need it.

As for Lauren, there's no reason for you having to tell her anything if you don't feel comfortable with her knowing. As much as she asks and pleads and gets mad with you for not telling her, it's not a required piece of information for her to know. You're perfectly fine not to tell her. Lauren has broken your privacy, and gone through your personal belongings for information, she certainly doesn't sound like a friend to me. She has threatened physical violence, have you told anybody about this? For example; a teacher, counsellor, parents, even the police if you feel it that serious? What she is doing isn't right, you don't deserve to be pushed further down by people you think of as friends, especially not while you're feeling this way yourself. What these people are doing and saying to you is wrong. You don't deserve to be hurt because of feeling low, you deserve a supporting, caring friendship group, rather than one to push you down.

PM me if you need anything.
Rie.
   
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Jacksonian Offline
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Re: Just a rant about what happened 2 nights ago - February 12th 2010, 11:51 PM

Hello there. Well sorry for what you went through.
But keep this in mind, whenever you embarass yourself in front of someone you may like, don't go hurting yourself. You may just find that that guy may not be worth the trouble yet you are hurting yourself. If he didn't understand then he may not be worth the trouble. Keep that in mind.
   
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