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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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I'm broken... - February 15th 2010, 03:59 AM

My depression's making a comeback. Worse than before, but only because it's different than before. When I was super depressed and suicidal a few years ago, I knew the cause. It was a cause that I'd been living with for most of my life. But now, I don't know.

I can't sleep until 4am or later. I don't naturally wake up until around noon. I find myself crying several times a day for no apparent reason, usually at night. I'm sleeping through my classes; I'm barely able to make it to work on time. My grades are falling drastically (I mean, I made Dean's list the last few semesters and now I'm struggling to pass). I don't give a crap about anything anymore. I'm pretty much constantly drawing, but even that only works to make me happy so long as I'm physically drawing. The only way for me to contact my friends who go to school at the college in my hometown is on the internet and they haven't been online very often at all. My sister and her best friend are my roommates. We don't get along anymore. I've despised her friend since we moved in together (she's a major leech). As for my sister, well, we're sisters. It's pretty much a given we're going to be fighting. They've both always treated me with little to no respect, always being condescending and treating me like I'm completely useless. They've also taken to treating me as my parents used to: good for only cooking and cleaning. I never expected to go from being my parent's maid to my sister's and her friend's maid. I DESPISE IT. I DESPISE THEM.

My dog's been really sick off an on for a year now. The vets don't know what's wrong and want to do a really expensive exploratory surgery on him. My parents didn't have the money for it, so I took $500 of my own FINANCIAL AID to help pay for my dog's surgery. (I really don't know what I'd do if he died....especially if he died while I was away at college.) I asked my parents last week if they've taken him in. "No, it's a really expensive surgery, especially if they don't find anything." Then why the HELL did I give you money that I really need? Better question, what the Hell did you DO with it? Last week, they also told me that we're going to Mexico in mid-May. Normally I'd be ecstatic. I can't tell you how much I've wanted to go or for how long. This is a dream come true. But after my parents gave me that little bit of information, they told me that we each have to pay for ourselves and they needed my answer right then. I told them I was unsure just because I don't really have the money for it. "But it's a FAMILY vacation! It wouldn't be the same at all without you! We'll put your name on the list just incase." The next day I found out they already booked everything. So my parents are forcing me to shell out money I don't have from my FINANCIAL AID for SCHOOL to go to Mexico. And what are we going to do while we're there? We're taking a pirate themed booze cruise and bar hopping! While I'm sure that just about every other 19 year old on the planet would be ecstatic about that (especially since my family doesn't care at all if I drink), I'm very unhappy. I am not like most people. I despise alcohol and will NEVER drink it in my life. NEVER. I have a very addictive personality and will most likely become an alcoholic if I do. Besides, I hate how people act when they're drunk. But no one in my family understands this. They don't understand that I'd much rather enjoy the beach, the arts, and the historical aspects.

And you know what else my family doesn't understand? My depression. Barring the fact that I never revealed it to most of them, my sister likes to make fun of me for it. She's constantly saying, "You're so emo it hurts." or "Are you online being emo again?" The other day she said, "I'm so sick and tired of your cryptic emo speak!" Every time she says something like that, I get furious with her and she takes it as an "emo flair-up." I yelled at her, "I don't tell you anything straight forward because you wouldn't understand!" She called me emo again. "You wouldn't understand that I'm DEPRESSED!" Still she called me emo. "It's called DEPRESSION. It's a clinical mental disease that I've been struggling to live with for years!" Her retort, "It's called a happy pill! Get some!" I wouldn't get anti-depressants even if I did have the money to go to a doctor and pay for the prescriptions. Everyone I know who's been on them have said they only make them feel numb. They don't feel better or worse...the symptoms of depression are just gone. I'm sorry, but I'd rather feel the pain and know I'm alive than feel numb. Call me crazy. I'd much rather see a therapist, but though my school gives you so many free sessions, you still have to show proof of health insurance. I've only got optical and dental, not the full coverage they require.

You know....today's Valentine's Day. It would suck even if it weren't a holiday dedicated to love. No one's called me at all today. No one's even returned my call. And a few days ago, my guy friend that I'm getting over told me he'd pretend to date me to get this creep stalker guy away from me. He said it'd be fun to pretend to date me. How thoughtful of him. Why wouldn't have been fun to date me six months ago when I told him I liked him as more than a friend? Why wouldn't it be fun to date me now? But you know what? If he did ever ask me out, I'd say no. He's missed the ship. I'm over how I felt. Months of complete silence will quickly kill years of unrequited feelings...at least for me.

Ef. I'm rambling now. I'm sorry guys. I don't mean to wallow in self-pity or anything. I just really needed to tell someone about what's been going on with me. I just wanted someone to know that I'm starting to believe that death would be more desirable than life. A few years ago, I wanted to die so much...now I'm heading back to that point. I'd love to just be able to close my eyes and never wake up. To feel that sweet peace for all eternity....So much better than whatever I'm dealing with now. And you know, people are always telling me it's going to get better. That's pretty much all I've heard since my suicidal thoughts started when I was 9. Well here I am, ten years later....when is it going to get better? In my experience, it's only gotten worse.


-B
--

R.I.P. my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much more than you could have ever imagined.


"There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.-Gerard Way
   
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Re: I'm broken... - February 15th 2010, 03:13 PM

Hey Brittany,

First, you have nothing to apologise for in terms of what you've written - talking about how you feel is what this part of the TH forum is all about, and it isn't rambling by any means.

It does sound like there are a lot of issues contributing to how you feel, and I would strongly recommend you talk to your school about arranging to see a professional. I understand that the lack of full coverage health insurance is a problem, but there should be some state-funded system that either yourself or the college can call upon if required (such as Medicaid), especially as you're already on financial aid for your studies and so would pass the applicable means testing. The proof of health insurance requirement sounds like something which would apply only after the free sessions have been used, so I'm confident if you discuss it with your college they can make arrangements. It's in their best interests to as well as yours.

On more practical issues, you should talk to your parents about the $500 you gave them for the surgery. Either they should take your dog to the vets, or else give you back the money so you can make alternative arrangements. As far as the Mexico trip is concerned, if you don't want to go on the cruise then quite simply you don't have to. You are 19 years old and in college, so you have the right to decide whether you go or not. It will be quite simple for the booking to be amended as it's still 3 months in advance.

The final thing I would say is that while dealing with depression of any kind is a very difficult situation to be in, once you find the level of support and help that works best for you it does get a lot easier to deal with. I also struggled with depression when I was younger, and it isn't a quick fix kind of problem. However, it can be managed and you can live a happy life. The main thing is to find out what support there is out there and talk to people like your college or state health department who can make arrangements for you. Also think about whether there is anyone you know who could act as a confidant on these matters - a teacher, tutor, pastor or such like. They may be able to give you some support and advice in the meantime.

Hope some of that is helpful.
   
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Re: I'm broken... - February 16th 2010, 07:24 AM

Thank you so much for your comment. It was very helpful for me.

I did talk to my mom about the money. It turns out that they didn't even know I gave them $500 for my dog's surgery (which they for sure aren't going to do) because I had to do the transaction through my sister. My parents have access to her account but not mine. So I also talked to my sister about it. The whole situation's being slowly ironed out. As for Mexico, everything they've already booked is non-refundable, so I really don't have a choice. But now that I know where my $500 went, it's being taken care of. I'll just have to make the best of the booze cruise...I mean, I do like pirates, so maybe it won't be so terrible. And there'll be a lot for me to do during the days when we aren't in the bars. (See? I'm looking on the bright side! Huge step.)

As for my actual depression by itself, I'll find a way to push through it...just like I always have. Maybe I could just go sit in the rooms they have on campus with the happy lights. And if that doesn't help, I'll talk to a professional.


-B
--

R.I.P. my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much more than you could have ever imagined.


"There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.-Gerard Way
   
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Re: I'm broken... - February 16th 2010, 08:26 PM

hey i suffer really bad depression too, if you need someone to vent to or even just to have a normal conversation with just message me =]
hope things smooth out a little for you soon x
   
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Re: I'm broken... - February 17th 2010, 03:25 AM

That'd be awesome. Thank you.


-B
--

R.I.P. my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much more than you could have ever imagined.


"There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.-Gerard Way
   
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Re: I'm broken... - February 19th 2010, 12:36 AM

From what you've written, i think its something very deeply associated with your emotions. If not all of it, then a great deal of it. I say this because of how you've written your post and what you've written. It may just be frustration but it seems more than that.

You can try meditating about your emotions and talking/listening to your heart.


I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
   
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