I feel so disconnected.

[a_soldier_of_orange]

I'm on the verge of giving up completely. With school, I'm doing awfully. It's my senior year, and I'm doing completely horribly. The school is aware that I've been medicated for depression since I was 13, and because of that I get "extra help" with studying and such. I have a really awful habit of sporadically going off my medication and going through therapists like water. People try to help me. My parents try to help me, my friends are supportive. But I....I don't know..? How can you help someone who doesn't even help themself. I have a really tough time opening up to people about certain things - namely those pertaining to these exact issues - hence the shrink-hopping.

I feel doomed to feel like this my entire life. I've attempted suicide(they were more like pitiful cries for help, really - I don't think I've ever genuinely wanted to die) twice before. The attempts were at very young ages. I don't feel suicidal now. This year has been really, really hard. I won't go through the laundry list..but it's made me revisit some tough times in my own life.


I'm a senior in highschool, and I honestly feel like I won't make it through the school year without hurting myself in some way. There's no bullying, no problems with friends, the only problem is me. Am I copping out by seriously considering finishing up in cyber-school? I can focus on myself, focus on school work, spend my time around the people I love, and just take the oppurtunity to heal.






I just...ugh...I'm a real mess right now.

[~CourageousSurvivor~]

Hey there,

I am sorry you are struggling. I know how tough all of this can be but please know that you will make it through. Don't give up on yourself because there is so much that you have to offer and so much of life that you still have left to live.

I know that it can be hard to help yourself but you seem to be making good steps towards doing that. Going to therapists is a great thing. I know it can be hard to open up to them but it can happen.

When I first started going to a therapist I couldn't talk to them about anything. We basically spent the whole session chit chatting about nothing then I just came to the realization that I needed help and I wouldn't get it if I did not open up. It was still hard to open up though so I wrote down all the feelings I was having in the week and all the issues that were going on and then I picked one issue to talk to my doctor about. With time I really started opening up and it felt great. Maybe you could do something like that? Slowly let the therapist in? Start out by talking about something small that makes you sad and go from there?

Another thing you could try is writing down some of the things that are bothering you and then take in the notes to your therapist. Then you or your therapist could read it? That might help things get out there as well.

I know it is hard to open up. I know it is scary but it really can help and if you have the right therapist they will be objective, understanding and caring.

As for cyber-schooling; I don't think there is anything wrong with it if you feel it is the right decision for you. Have you really looked into it? Weighed the pros and cons? If so and you still think it is the right decision then talk to your parents about it and go from there.

Please hang in there and if you need anything feel free to pm me.

Jenna

[Heartlines.]

Hey there. I'm sorry you feel like this.
Just know that we are all here for you.

You are right; it's difficult to help someone who doesn't help themselves.
But you seem to be making a great effort.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. And you will make it there.
Try and keep your head up dear I know it's difficult sometimes.
Life is difficult to say the least, but I know yu can make it through.

As for counseling, I think it's great that you're going to one.
Try to find a counselor that you can click with. And maybe try
sticking to one long enough to know they can really help you.
Finding the right counselor is a must, otherwise you won't feel
like you can open up. Opening up can be very uncomfortable
but sometimes you have to step outside of your comfort zone to make
things better.

I think once you feel better about yourself, everything will fall into place.
Such as schooling, friends, family, emotions. Etc.

Jenna makes a good point: you should make a list of things that bother
you and bring that list to a counselor. That's a really good idea.
And in my eyes: Definitly worth a shot.

Try to keep your chin up. And please Pm me if you ever need
me or just need to chat.

[MadPoet]

Hi Jess,

I myself have had a lot of trouble with school. In eighth grade, I would cut myself in the bathroom, and would be on the verge of tears in class. It was a really hard time for me, so it was extremely difficult for me to attend school. I ended up finishing up school at home; the teachers would give my mom the work, and I would then complete it at home.

I thought everything would be better when I started high school, but my social anxiety reached its peak. So, long story short, I'm now completely my freshmen year online. I don't look at it as a cop out, but simply a bit of a break. I am working towards becoming a more social person, and I don't see anything wrong with doing this outside of school. School can be overwhelming and simply treacherous at times, and there's nothing wrong with taking a break in order to work on improving things for yourself. You would be keeping up with your work, and you may actually find it to be extremely helpful for you in more than one aspect. If you feel that this would be the best option for you, talk to your counselor. See what he/she has to say, and what their views are on this decision.

Therapists learn how to help us once they learn more about our problems, so by constantly switching therapists you are not getting the kind of help that you need. Your therapists need to know all about your problems, and you, so that they can give you the best advice possible. I think that you should make some rules for yourself. Tell yourself that you will stick with one therapist for at least two months (or whatever period of time you feel most comfortable with). Force yourself, remind yourself that this is for your own good, and that this is the best way to get the help for your depression that you deserve.

Let your therapist know that you have a hard time opening up, and about your problems with switching therapists. Maybe keep a journal of the events that are happening in your life, and about the things that are contributing to your depression. See if this makes it a bit easier for you to open up. I find it hard to share some things with my therapist, but it's always been easier when I write things down. Just a suggestion!

I know that things get hard sometimes, and it sounds that they have been difficult for you for awhile now. But keep fighting this, okay? Depression can't control you, or your life. PM me anytime you need to. Take care. x

[Jacksonian]

You have to let people help you. The reson you feel doomed like this is because you are refusing the help. Even if you don't want to help yourself, let them help you and make the effort to take in what they are saying.

Take sometime for yourself too. Take the time to meditate alone. Take the time to think about the happy things in your life and the other things that have hurt you but you got through them. Take the time but try to go on with life as it will help you to help yourself.

[a_soldier_of_orange]

Thankyou guys, I really appreciate the input and honest answers.


I opened up to my mom a bit(well..she kind of cornered me), and I realized that they've been so unable to help me simply because they've been left in the dark - even my friends. I guess I'm a lot better at putting on a smiling face than I ever really thought. I'm going back to the one therapist who I've had the most success with, and going back on medication.

I'm going to try and get through school - I know that I have an awful habit of running away from things, and just completely disappearing off the face of the earth when things get tough - and even though cyber school is useful to others..I don't think that it'll make me a stronger person in the long run.

I still feel sad, and very tired - but better. Thanks again.

[fall to romance]

I've been feeling pretty much the same...only I've never been on medication nor have I seen therapists. No body's ever really tried helping. And recently my depression has been getting worse and now I'm pretty much where you're at. I've even been skipping most of my classes. It's so unlike me and I don't know how to reverse it. I'm not even sure I want to. Ehf....I'm sure this isn't helping you. I'm sorry. I basically just wanted you to know you're not alone.